9 Signs You Have Completely Lost Yourself in Your Relationship

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People act in really unappealing ways when they lose themselves in their relationships. Are you investing all your energy and time into someone? What if itโ€™s a trap? Here are signs you have lost yourself in your relationship.

I know this intimately because I see it every day in my work, but also because itโ€™s happened to me.

Iโ€™ve been going through a rocky time in my own relationship. And after a LOT of rational self-examination, Iโ€™ve come to the depressing conclusion that Iโ€™ve done exactly the opposite of what I teach, and that thing isโ€ฆ

Iโ€™ve totally and completely lost myself.

Now, โ€œlosing oneself in a relationshipโ€ is a trite phrase thrown around ALL THE TIME by relationship coachesโ€” myself included. But Iโ€™ve noticed that while people might talk about it, they donโ€™t deal with it as itโ€™s happening very often.

I can look back on many failed relationships of my own and nearly pinpoint the exact time it happened, but this time, the terrifying realization has dawned on me in real-time that Iโ€™m screwing up.

Related: 10 Signs You Shouldnโ€™t End Your Relationship

Thatโ€™s why I had to write about thisโ€” both to help you lovely readers andย to make myself a rough guideโ€“ a roadmapโ€“ so that this never, ever happens again.

Here Are the 9 Most Pervasive Signs You Have Lost Yourself in Your Relationship:

1. Youโ€™re Lost Touch With Your Own Goals, Passions and Life Purpose

Remember when you were so full of hope?

Feel like thatโ€™s been crushed and youโ€™ve let your lifeโ€™s purpose fall by the wayside?

Thatโ€™s a big red flag that youโ€™ve allowed yourself to take the backseat and lost yourself in your relationship.ย 

Related: Sexual Soul Mates: Signs You Have Met Your Romantic Soul Mate

2. Instead of Speaking Up About Your Wants and Desires, Do You Consistently Let Them Fall by the Wayside?

Iโ€™m not sure why sometimes it seems so important to forgo what we want for what we THINK someone else wants in our relationships. Do we do it in favor ofโ€ฆ approval? Not rocking the boat?

Maybe because like hoovering down an entire bag of Doritos, ignoring what we really want feels great in the moment. When we ignore things like our desires and wants that areย messy and take hard work, we can put our head in the sand.

We donโ€™t have to do anything about them. We can go on like itโ€™s all not happening, until weโ€™re so overtaken with regret and resentment that we just canโ€™t stand it any longer.ย 

3. Youโ€™re Going Through the Motions

For most, life goes something like wake up, take kids to school, go to work, deal with the kids, sleep. Rinse off. Repeat.

Carve out a few minutes of โ€œquality timeโ€ on the weekend. Repeat.ย 

This probably wasnโ€™t at all what you pictured when you were a kid and you plotted out the way you thought your life would go. If it wasnโ€™t bad enough, your sense of humour seems to be on hiatus as well.ย ย 

Related: 23 Unromantic Signs That Youโ€™ve Found Your Soulmate

4. Youโ€™re Living a Worried, Hand-Wringing, Fear-Based Life

Youโ€™ve allowed the creepy โ€œwhat ifsโ€ to lurk around and rule your life.

โ€œWhat ifโ€ you die in that fiery crash? Better not buy that motorcycle. โ€œWhat ifโ€ you never get famous and make doing your art?

Better not even bother to sketch anything. โ€œWhat if your spouse doesnโ€™t take the right exit on the freeway? You could be LATE!โ€ The horror.โ€œWhat ifโ€ฆโ€ โ€œWhat ifโ€ฆโ€ โ€œWhat ifโ€ฆโ€

Itโ€™s exhausting, and itโ€™s a trap. Fear and worry tell us that we have control when we really have zero control.

That groundlessness is both terrifying and freeing, depending on the amount of joy youโ€™re allowing into your life. Right now, itโ€™s downright overwhelming.

5. Youโ€™re Controlling and Perfectionist With the People Around You

Even though the reality of your daily life is that youโ€™re bored to tears and working at half the level of joy you could be, youโ€™re weirdly attached to it all, so itโ€™s vitally important that EVERYONE ELSE act how you expect.

Perhaps because you donโ€™t even know who you are anymore, but youโ€™re pretty convinced youโ€™re right about how everyone else is.

If someone else were to be happy or follow their own bliss, it would force you to consider your own lack of the same. Ouch.

Related: What Role Do You Play In Your Relationships? Inkblot Test

6. You Attend to Everyone Elseโ€™s Needs First, Which Is Silently Eating Away atย You

Except itโ€™s not really silent, since everyone around you can sense the toxic resentment that seeps through your pores like sewage in a leach field. To everyone around you, you come off like a long-suffering, put-upon martyr.ย 

Martyrdom might work for religious figures, but sacrificing yourself for your relationship isnโ€™t good for you and itโ€™s the death knell for your partnerโ€™sย attraction to you.

When you donโ€™t take responsibility for the fact that youโ€™ve let your OWN light go out, itโ€™s easy to look around and decide that itโ€™s someone elseโ€™s fault.

This is both a cop out and a way to absolve yourself of responsibility for your own happiness.ย 

7. Your Emotional Range Is Bluntedโ€” You Sort of Live in That Limbo Territory Between Neutral, Angry and Resentful

Joy and true happiness are fleeting. You might not be anxious and depressed (many are), but youโ€™re flirting with them at least.

Unfortunately, your ability to experience anger is probably bubbling there right below the surface at any time, ready to jump out and hurt someone in its path.

Related: 14 Signs You Have Finally Met A Good Guy

8. Anything to Fill theย Void

Since real joy feels like such a long way off that itโ€™s practically unobtainable, itโ€™s tempting to look for somethingโ€ฆ anything to fill the gnawing hole in your gut and your soul.ย 

Temporary relief, like losing whole days to Netflix marathons, eating yourself out of house and home, drinking and shopping is at least relief, however temporary it might be.ย 

9. The Hopeless Feeling That Youโ€™ve Sold Yourself Out Weaves Itself Into Your Inner Dialogue

โ€œThis isnโ€™t all itโ€™s cracked up to beโ€ is pretty much your mantra. Remember those hopes and dreams I was talking about before?

You wake up every morning with a vague sense that โ€œitโ€™s not gonna happen.โ€

Real talk: if you keep going inย this sleepwalk, zombie, half-life direction youโ€™re headed in, itโ€™s NOT gonna happen. Unless you make a change. Now.

Related: 60+ Carl Jung Quotes On Finding Yourself

You know how on planes when they do the safety demonstration, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first?

You know, because youโ€™ll die if you try to help everyone else before yourself? Losing yourself in your relationship is like throwing your own oxygen mask out the window and then trying to share your partnerโ€™s mask.

Letting yourself get lost in your relationship is claustrophobic, toxic for both of you and impossible long term.

If you see yourself in this, itโ€™s time to make a change.


This post originated onย Attract the One.

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