People act in really unappealing ways when they lose themselves in their relationships. Are you investing all your energy and time into someone? What if itโs a trap? Here are signs you have lost yourself in your relationship.
I know this intimately because I see it every day in my work, but also because itโs happened to me.
Iโve been going through a rocky time in my own relationship. And after a LOT of rational self-examination, Iโve come to the depressing conclusion that Iโve done exactly the opposite of what I teach, and that thing isโฆ
Iโve totally and completely lost myself.
Now, โlosing oneself in a relationshipโ is a trite phrase thrown around ALL THE TIME by relationship coachesโ myself included. But Iโve noticed that while people might talk about it, they donโt deal with it as itโs happening very often.
I can look back on many failed relationships of my own and nearly pinpoint the exact time it happened, but this time, the terrifying realization has dawned on me in real-time that Iโm screwing up.
Related: 10 Signs You Shouldnโt End Your Relationship
Thatโs why I had to write about thisโ both to help you lovely readers andย to make myself a rough guideโ a roadmapโ so that this never, ever happens again.
Here Are the 9 Most Pervasive Signs You Have Lost Yourself in Your Relationship:
1. Youโre Lost Touch With Your Own Goals, Passions and Life Purpose
Remember when you were so full of hope?
Feel like thatโs been crushed and youโve let your lifeโs purpose fall by the wayside?
Thatโs a big red flag that youโve allowed yourself to take the backseat and lost yourself in your relationship.ย
Related: Sexual Soul Mates: Signs You Have Met Your Romantic Soul Mate
2. Instead of Speaking Up About Your Wants and Desires, Do You Consistently Let Them Fall by the Wayside?
Iโm not sure why sometimes it seems so important to forgo what we want for what we THINK someone else wants in our relationships. Do we do it in favor ofโฆ approval? Not rocking the boat?
Maybe because like hoovering down an entire bag of Doritos, ignoring what we really want feels great in the moment. When we ignore things like our desires and wants that areย messy and take hard work, we can put our head in the sand.
We donโt have to do anything about them. We can go on like itโs all not happening, until weโre so overtaken with regret and resentment that we just canโt stand it any longer.ย
3. Youโre Going Through the Motions
For most, life goes something like wake up, take kids to school, go to work, deal with the kids, sleep. Rinse off. Repeat.
Carve out a few minutes of โquality timeโ on the weekend. Repeat.ย
This probably wasnโt at all what you pictured when you were a kid and you plotted out the way you thought your life would go. If it wasnโt bad enough, your sense of humour seems to be on hiatus as well.ย ย
Related: 23 Unromantic Signs That Youโve Found Your Soulmate
4. Youโre Living a Worried, Hand-Wringing, Fear-Based Life
Youโve allowed the creepy โwhat ifsโ to lurk around and rule your life.
โWhat ifโ you die in that fiery crash? Better not buy that motorcycle. โWhat ifโ you never get famous and make doing your art?
Better not even bother to sketch anything. โWhat if your spouse doesnโt take the right exit on the freeway? You could be LATE!โ The horror.โWhat ifโฆโ โWhat ifโฆโ โWhat ifโฆโ
Itโs exhausting, and itโs a trap. Fear and worry tell us that we have control when we really have zero control.
That groundlessness is both terrifying and freeing, depending on the amount of joy youโre allowing into your life. Right now, itโs downright overwhelming.
5. Youโre Controlling and Perfectionist With the People Around You
Even though the reality of your daily life is that youโre bored to tears and working at half the level of joy you could be, youโre weirdly attached to it all, so itโs vitally important that EVERYONE ELSE act how you expect.
Perhaps because you donโt even know who you are anymore, but youโre pretty convinced youโre right about how everyone else is.
If someone else were to be happy or follow their own bliss, it would force you to consider your own lack of the same. Ouch.
Related: What Role Do You Play In Your Relationships? Inkblot Test
6. You Attend to Everyone Elseโs Needs First, Which Is Silently Eating Away atย You
Except itโs not really silent, since everyone around you can sense the toxic resentment that seeps through your pores like sewage in a leach field. To everyone around you, you come off like a long-suffering, put-upon martyr.ย
Martyrdom might work for religious figures, but sacrificing yourself for your relationship isnโt good for you and itโs the death knell for your partnerโsย attraction to you.
When you donโt take responsibility for the fact that youโve let your OWN light go out, itโs easy to look around and decide that itโs someone elseโs fault.
This is both a cop out and a way to absolve yourself of responsibility for your own happiness.ย
7. Your Emotional Range Is Bluntedโ You Sort of Live in That Limbo Territory Between Neutral, Angry and Resentful
Joy and true happiness are fleeting. You might not be anxious and depressed (many are), but youโre flirting with them at least.
Unfortunately, your ability to experience anger is probably bubbling there right below the surface at any time, ready to jump out and hurt someone in its path.
Related: 14 Signs You Have Finally Met A Good Guy
8. Anything to Fill theย Void
Since real joy feels like such a long way off that itโs practically unobtainable, itโs tempting to look for somethingโฆ anything to fill the gnawing hole in your gut and your soul.ย
Temporary relief, like losing whole days to Netflix marathons, eating yourself out of house and home, drinking and shopping is at least relief, however temporary it might be.ย
9. The Hopeless Feeling That Youโve Sold Yourself Out Weaves Itself Into Your Inner Dialogue
โThis isnโt all itโs cracked up to beโ is pretty much your mantra. Remember those hopes and dreams I was talking about before?
You wake up every morning with a vague sense that โitโs not gonna happen.โ
Real talk: if you keep going inย this sleepwalk, zombie, half-life direction youโre headed in, itโs NOT gonna happen. Unless you make a change. Now.
Related: 60+ Carl Jung Quotes On Finding Yourself
You know how on planes when they do the safety demonstration, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first?
You know, because youโll die if you try to help everyone else before yourself? Losing yourself in your relationship is like throwing your own oxygen mask out the window and then trying to share your partnerโs mask.
Letting yourself get lost in your relationship is claustrophobic, toxic for both of you and impossible long term.
If you see yourself in this, itโs time to make a change.
This post originated onย Attract the One.
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