The Art Of Complaint Formula: A Game-Changing Guide For Couples

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Transform your relationship dynamic and enhance communication with the complaint formula. This is the ultimate guide for couples seeking lasting love.

This is no time to lay blame on each other.

My wife Tamiย felt angry. โ€œAll you do after you get home from work and eat dinner is sitting on the couch. Why canโ€™t we talk, or take a walk together, or do both?โ€

Couples will always have complaints about each other. Unfortunately, instead of expressing their complaints, they resort toย criticizingย each other.

Unchecked criticism leads to contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these theย Four Horsemen of the Apocalypseย and when couples fall prey to the Four Horsemen, it can lead to divorce.

Tamiโ€™s criticism provoked me to defend myself. We were almost three years into our marriage and hadnโ€™t yet learned how to effectively air our complaints about each other.

โ€œIโ€™m tired,โ€ I said. As a substance abuse counselor, I spend all day listening to people.

โ€œWhy canโ€™t you let me relax?โ€

Tami kept pushing until my temper flared. โ€œJust leave me alone!โ€

Before we knew it, the Four Horsemen were out of the barn and wreaking havoc on our marriage. Tami and I agreed to get marriage counseling from a clinical psychologist.

He taught us how to effectively express and listen to complaints in a way that we could hear each other without becoming defensive.

Related: Growing Stronger Together: 11 Clear Signs Your Relationship Is Getting Healthier

Gottmanโ€™s Complaint Formula: 3 Tips For Effective Complaining

Dr. John Gottman has refined the skill of effective complaining down to a simple, three-part formula. I wish weโ€™d discovered and mastered this formula before we went to counseling.

With a little practice and persistence, following the formula will help couples discuss their issues without causing harm to each other.

Here Is A Coupleโ€™s Guide to Complaining In Relationships

1. Express how you feel

Effective complaints begin with a soft start-up, and are best launched by stating how you feel. A feeling may be an emotion like anger or fear, or a physical state like tiredness or pain.

the complaint formula to express how you feel in a relationship

The soft start-up is in contrast to the harsh start-up that usually accompanies criticism, and often begins with phrases like โ€œyou alwaysโ€ or โ€œyou never.โ€

2. Talk about a very specific situation

After stating your feeling, describe the situation or behavior that caused that feeling.

Many complaints couples have about each other will never go away. If thatโ€™s bad news, the good news is that complaints donโ€™t have to drive a relationshipย to a bitter end.

As long as couples can keep their complaints from becoming criticisms, complaints will be a minor nuisance in comparison to the destructive power of criticism.

3. State a positive need

Finally, ask your spouse to take positive action to resolve the complaint.

Using this formula doesnโ€™t guarantee complaints will be resolved. It does give couples a tool they can use to express their complaints without the risk of their requests being sidelined by a spouse who feels the need to defend against criticism.

complaint formula

Letโ€™s apply this formula to the issue my wife raised, and my response, and see how the discussion might have ended differently.

Tami: I feel sadย (hereโ€™s how I feel)ย that we donโ€™t have time to talk with each other after dinnerย (about a very specific situation). Can we walk and talk for a half an hourย (expressing her positive need)?

Jon: I feel tiredย (how I feel)ย after listening to people at work all dayย (about a very specific situation). Please let me rest for a whileย (express a positive need).

Tami: Iโ€™m afraidย (how I feel)ย youโ€™ll fall asleep on the couch and wonโ€™t wake up until itโ€™s too late to walkย (about a very specific situation). I want you to rest. Iโ€™d like it if youโ€™d rest for an hour, then walk with me. If you fall asleep, Iโ€™d like to wake you up (express a positive need).

Jon: Thatโ€™s fair. Letโ€™s do that.

While a resolution isnโ€™t guaranteed, effective complaining enables spouses toย engage in conflict and achieve resolutionsย that criticism puts out of reach.

When resolutions are out of reach, it doesnโ€™t have to end the relationshipย or suck the happiness out of it.

Related: How Do You Communicate In A Relationship Without Fighting About The Same Old Things?

The secret ingredient for effective complaining in a relationship

Many couples have built thriving relationshipsย in spite of enduring, unresolved conflicts. Many of these couples have learned to tolerate these conflicts by complaining instead of criticizing.

But they also have a powerful, secret ingredient: they useย repairsย to diffuse the tension that builds up when discussing these issues.

This keeps those problems from overwhelming their relationship.

One perpetual conflict in my marriage has been my wifeโ€™s tendency to get rid of things that we havenโ€™t used for a while. Iโ€™m a saver. After all, you never know when you might need something.

At least once a year, Tami decides to go through the clothes in our closet to get rid of the garments we donโ€™t wear anymore. Iโ€™d never do this.

She takes clothes from my side of the closet that she doesnโ€™t think I need and piles them on my side of the bed. โ€œGo through these and decide which ones you donโ€™t need,โ€ sheโ€™ll say. โ€œWeโ€™re getting rid of anything you donโ€™t wear.โ€

I used to get angry. Now, I laugh. For me, her behavior has become predictable. For her, my behavior has become predictable.

She laughs at me as I sort through the stack of clothes, take out one shirt to get rid of and hang the other clothes back in the closet.

Couples who are satisfied with their relationshipsย donโ€™t lack things to complain about.

Theyโ€™ve discovered how to complain without criticizing, keep the issues they have with each other in perspective, and use humor to break up tension that can lead to gridlock.

If this doesnโ€™t describe your relationship, try using Dr. Gottmanโ€™s formula for complaining, add a dose of humor, and see where it leads.

By Jon Beaty
A Coupleโ€™s Guide to Complaining

Related: How to Communicate Unhappiness in Your Relationship So Your Partner Really Hears You

We hope you will master the formula for complaining in your relationship and create a deeper connection with your partner. Share your thoughts about Gottman research on effective complaining in the comments below.


A Coupleโ€™s Guide to Complaining
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