When you are happy in a relationship, things can get really complicated really fast. You may not understand it completely but you realize that you don’t love him anymore, even though he has always been good to you. And so you feel trapped and suffocated. All you want to do is breathe. Here’s an honest letter for everyone who, secretly, feels stuck in a loveless relationship with a good man they don’t love anymore.
“We are stuck with not knowing what our actions will actually lead to.” – Andre Alexis
A letter to a good woman who feels stuck in a loveless relationship with a good man
My life seemed fine, but underneath I was unbearably restless. Our 5th anniversary was coming up. I felt stuck. Almost 4 years now. It’s hard to believe this used to be a problem in my life.
I know it’s been quite some time you’ve been thinking to break up with this guy. Only that you haven’t been able to quite figure out how to, and how to live your life after. Maybe you even live together. So you can’t seem to work up the courage. Maybe you have gotten yourself to the point where you can’t even talk to other people about it. And it isolated you, and you feel alone in it.
I don’t know you but I know I was exactly where you are right now. Feeling numb, exhausted, and disconnected. And the big love day is coming up, and you may even feel there is nothing to celebrate about your current relationship.
So, one day turns into another. You could be even secretly wishing he could change. In whatever way he needs to. Only if he could be a better partner, or if he could be doing something he is excited about in the world, or maybe if only he could stop judging you so much. But he is not a bad person. He is a good guy, and you’d be a horrible person if you left him. Because he is lovable, but now he is more like a friend only that you don’t even like spending time with him.
It is hard to admit. I did it. I slipped down the slippery slope of being with someone I didn’t want to be with any longer. And I scrutinized myself for the last 1.5 years of our relationship.
“If you stand still long enough, you’ll get stuck.” – David Hasselhoff
Our 5th anniversary was coming up. It was unbelievable how much we grew apart. It felt like I barely had anything in common with this person. And there was no sincere curiosity in me for what he had to say.
I felt stuck. I wanted to believe in him. But I wouldn’t admit it to others. My life seemed fine, but underneath I was unbearably restless. And I didn’t know what to do. There was a growing hunger for spontaneity, laughter, adventure, romance, space to move around in, and my freedom; something I was born with and had chosen to deny. But instead, I invested all of my energy into making this relationship work. But it wasn’t working. And it became exhausting.
There was a moment he asked me a question about where I saw myself 5 years from now. And my mind blanked. I don’t know exactly what I saw but I knew he wasn’t there with me. He wasn’t in my future years from now. And it hurt because I still couldn’t bring myself to make the move.
And I had two big reasons:
- I worried I couldn’t figure out my life without him.
- I believed I was a bad person if I left him when he wasn’t feeling strong about himself.
So I judged myself and got irritated with him. My own thoughts became a pattern that disabled everything from any sort of positive progress.