Why do you always get attracted to toxic people and end up in misery?
“Nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people.” ― Jonathan Franzen, Freedom.
The attraction is the primary reason a relationship is formed. The moment we are attracted to someone, we start to see other aspects too.
But all the attractions are not loved. Similarly, if the person we are getting attracted to might get attracted to us too but the frequency or rather the reasons for attraction might be completely different. In the beginning, it might seem they are all the same but this not how the reality works.
Attraction blinds us, makes us biased.
This is why we tend to look at the positive sides of our person of interest ignoring the darker negative ones. We might really get immensely attracted to the person and develop the feeling of love but the other person might get attracted to us out of infatuation or even lust. In the worst case, they might fake to take our advantage.
Once this attraction is established between two people, by any means, love settles down, and then comes the question of commitment, loyalty, etc. But these attractions need to be genuine.
We are not mind readers. There are innumerable times we might get attracted to a person for all the wrong reasons.
In order to prevent yourself from getting hurt, it’s important to understand why are you getting attracted to that person.
(1) You think the person needs your help:
We all have problems. But a relationship can never be based just on saving someone or helping someone. The fire-fighters, doctors, nurses, army men, security guards and all of us are doing this every day. Does this mean we are in a relationship with everyone? Of course not! In a relationship, you should support your partner but that should also be reciprocated.
Having empathy for the person, you cannot get yourself drained. You think that your love interest needs your help but the reality is, your love interest is just using you. If someone helps you, you need to acknowledge that, reciprocate that. But that’s not your case. So, don’t think that entertaining that person is your duty.
(2) You think you can change the person:
We all need a second chance. You love interest or your partner made a mistake once and apologized. But if this keeps on happening in cycles, then you should stop nurturing your love or attraction towards them.
You cannot change the person unless they want to change themselves. Thinking that you will change that person and make them a better human being is an act of foolishness. That is not going to happen.
(3) Your partner makes you feel guilty for your actions:
If the reason you still love your partner because they make you feel guilty of your actions, blame you for the misunderstandings, always telling you that the relationship will not work out because of you, then it is not love. Your partner has made you lose your self-confidence and that’s how you are attracted to toxic people.
You are the one who gave them the right to judge what’s right and wrong. Don’t let them be the arbiter of your life. You might make mistakes but everything is not fault and your partner is not a sage either. It’s the lack of love from their side which makes them do such cheap things. You know you are hurting yourself in the relationship.
(4) Your peers urge you to go back:
You have to understand this straight and simple. This is your life and you should decide what’s right and wrong for you. You might take advice or suggestions from people but don’t jump into their prescribed actions if you are not comfortable with it yourself. If you don’t feel like going back, then don’t go. It’s your life, your call.