What personality traits fuel involuntary singlehood, and why do some struggle more than others to find love despite wanting it? Let’s find out!
The role of personality in involuntary singlehood.
Key points
- Personality differences partially explain relationship status.
- High conscientiousness, high agreeableness, and low neuroticism decrease the likelihood of being single.
- The rise in incels may be due to changing levels of conscientiousness, agreeableness, and neuroticism.
Read More Here: How To Be Single After A Long Term Relationship?
There seems to be an increase in the number of people who cannot find a romantic partner. The problem has become so prevalent that there is now a name to describe these, mostly young and male, individuals who wish to have a partner but cannot find one. They are known as incels (shorthand for involuntary celibate). So, why do so many young people have difficulty finding and securing mates?
Personality and Incel Status: Involuntary Singlehood
To address this question, a recent study by Apostolou & Michaelidou (2024) examined 17 qualities thought to be related to incel status: Mating effort, sexual functioning, self-perceived mate value, self-esteem, flirting capacity, capacity to perceive signals of romantic interest, shyness, choosiness, body mass index, self-perceived good looks, broad personality traits (extraversion, neuroticism, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness to experience), sexual orientation, and having children from a previous relationship.
Space doesn’t allow for a detailed discussion of the article, but I will highlight some of the key findings with particular emphasis on personality.
For both men and women, incel status was strongly related to poor flirting ability. Not surprisingly, being able to flirt increases the odds of securing a mate.
Women who were choosier were also more likely to be involuntarily single and the choosier they were, the longer they were single. The authors also found that women who were high in agreeableness and conscientiousness were more likely to be married or in a relationship than disagreeable and unconscientious women.
For men, one of the most important predictors of incel status was mating effort. Because women are, under most circumstances, choosier than men when selecting a mate (Whyte, et al., 2018), men must put forth greater effort to convince women of their value as a partner. Furthermore, there is still a cultural expectation that the man will initiate romantic contact.
So, the more actively men pursue the more successful they tend to be. The authors also found that both neuroticism and self-esteem were related to relationship status; incel men were more likely to be high in neuroticism and low in self-esteem (these two traits are highly inversely related: Judge 2002).
Many of the qualities women seek (e.g., competence) cannot be readily observed and must be inferred from overt behavior. Because competence, power, and success, all highly sought-after qualities, tend to produce confidence, anxiety and low self-esteem are often interpreted as signals of low mate value.
Why Are Incels on the Rise?
While none of the above findings are particularly surprising, the results beg the question of why the sudden rise in incels? The answer may lie, at least partially, in cultural shifts in the prevalence of some of these personality traits. There is evidence that, since the pandemic, young adults have declined in both conscientiousness and agreeableness but have increased in neuroticism (Sutin et al., 2022). Each of these trends has important implications for relationships.
Both low agreeableness and high neuroticism are associated with relationship difficulties (Esplin et. al., 2025; Wilmot & Ones, 2022), increasing the likelihood of breakups. As mentioned, neuroticism in males decreases their perceived mate value.
Also, those higher in neuroticism (and lower in self-esteem) are also more likely to feel inadequate, insecure, and intimidated by the prospect of approaching a potential partner, thus undermining their mating effort.
For females, neuroticism may also increase choosiness, as those high in neuroticism tend to view the world through a more critical (negative) lens, possibly making it more likely that they’ll reject a suitor.
Finally, lower conscientiousness means that they may spend less effort on their appearance or spend less time honing their social skills (Apostolou & Michaelidou (2024) found that for both men and women, conscientiousness was positively related to flirting skill).
Read More Here: 6 Struggles of Being In a Relationship After years of Being Single
Though the reasons for the rise in incels are, without a doubt, multifaceted, including a broad array of cultural and technological factors, this study highlights some of the important ways that personality may contribute to this phenomenon.
References
Apostolou, Menelaos, and Elli Michaelidou. 2024. “Why People Face Difficulties in Attracting Mates: An Investigation of 17 Probable Predictors of Involuntary Singlehood.” Personality and Individual Differences 216 (January): 1–6. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2023.112422.
Dyrenforth, P. S., Kashy, D. A., Donnellan, M. B., & Lucas, R. E. (2010). Predicting relationship and life satisfaction from personality in nationally representative samples from three countries: The relative importance of actor, partner, and similarity effects. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(4), 690–702. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0020385
Esplin, C. R., Rasmussen, B. D., Hatch, S. G., Hawkins, A. J., & Braithwaite, S. R. (2025). Neuroticism and relationship quality: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 128(3), 594–610. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000463.
Judge, T. A., Erez, A., Bono, J. E., & Thoresen, C. J. (2002). Are measures of self-esteem, neuroticism, locus of control, and generalized self efficacy indicators of a common core construct? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 693–710.
Michael P. Wilmot 1 and Deniz S. Ones (2022). Agreeableness and Its Consequences: A Quantitative Review of Meta-Analytic Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Review 26(3), 242-280https://orcid.org/0000-0002-3062-7651.
Sutin AR, Stephan Y, Luchetti M, Aschwanden D, Lee JH, Sesker AA, et al. (2022) Differential personality change earlier and later in the coronavirus pandemic in a longitudinal sample of adults in the United States. PLoS ONE 17(9): e0274542. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal. pone.0274542
Stephen Whyte, Ho Fai Chan, Benno Torgler (2018). Do Men and Women Know What They Want? Sex Differences in Online Daters’ Educational Preferences. Psychological Science, 095679761877108 DOI: 10.1177/0956797618771081
Written by Allan Roberts, Ph.D.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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