Is This the Right Person for Me?

“How will I know when I meet the right person?”

I often hear this question in my counseling practice. The answer is fairly complex.

 

There are two different reasons that people have for wanting to get married:

  • To get love, validation, security, and safety
  • To share a love and to grow emotionally and spiritually

 

If you feel insecure and alone, you are likely to look for someone who will fill the inner emptiness and give you the love you are seeking. You may want to find someone who will complete you and make you feel adequate and worthy.

The problem is that no one can do this for you – it is something you need to learn to do for yourself. Since we are always attracted to people who are at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, a person looking to get love will attract a person also looking to get love. Each person hopes to get filled from the other, not realizing that each feels empty and really has nothing to give. Therefore, no one is the right person when the intent of getting married is to get love and security rather than to share love and learning.

 

Instead of asking the question, “Is this the right person for me?” why not ask, “Am I being the right person?” Am I being a person who comes to a relationship filled with love to share, or am I being a needy person hoping to get love and validation?

The main reason that many relationships don’t work is that each person is disappointed in not getting what they expected to get from the other person. But when individuals do not know how to love and validate themselves and create an inner sense of safety and security, they certainly can’t do this for another person. Yet this is what each person expects of the other.

It is fairly easy to know if this is the right person for you when your intent in being in a relationship is to learn together and share the love.

A person who comes from a full place within finds it easy to discern when someone is empty inside, and will not be attracted to the empty person. People who are truly open to learning about themselves, to grow emotionally and spiritually, to taking responsibility for their own feelings of safety and security, worth and lovability, will not be attracted to a person who is closed, controlling, and just wants to get love.

Knowing if this is the right person for you does not happen instantly. It takes months to discover whether or not a person is who they say they are.

You cannot really know who a person is until you have conflict and find out what this person does in conflict. Some people can appear very open and loving until a conflict comes up and then they get angry, withdraw, resist or comply, rather than stay open to learning about themselves and the other person. An important question is, how does this person deal with conflict and how long does it take them to open up if they do close in the face of conflict?

Since none of us enter relationships fully healed, it is very important to know that your partner is willing to explore conflict, rather than just protect against it with controlling behavior. Conflict occurs in all relationships, and if both people are not open to learning about themselves and each other within the conflict, the unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy the relationship.

 

If you are a person who is open to learning and wants a relationship in order to share love, there are three essential ingredients that need to be present for the person to be the right person for you:

  • There needs to be a basic spark of attraction. If you do not feel physically attracted to this person within the first six months of the relationship, the chances are this attraction will not develop.
  • Each of you needs to be capable of caring, compassion, empathy, and acceptance for who each of you is.
  • Both of you need to be open to learning in conflict, rather than just wanting to win and be right.

Other ingredients, such as common interests and values, are also important, but without the above three ingredients, they will not sustain the relationship.

Dr. Margaret Paulhttp://www.innerbonding.com/
CO-CREATOR OF INNER BONDING Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook, Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids, and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God Dr. Paul's books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into eleven languages. Dr. Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, chaplain, consultant, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1967. Margaret continues to work with individuals and couples throughout the world on the phone and on Skype. She is able to access her own and her client's spiritual Guidance during her sessions, which enables her to work with people wherever they are in the world. Her current passion is working on and developing content for this Website, as well as distributing SelfQuest, the software program that teaches Inner Bonding and is donated to prisons and schools, as well as sold to the general public. Margaret Paul, PhD information Anxious, Depressed, Addicted, Empty, Relationship struggles, Inner Bonding - The Power To Heal Yourself! http://www.innerbonding.com
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