The Under The Radar Relationship Killer

Lack of communication between two souls can be a relationship killer.

Researchers are doing a great job raising awareness about harmful things couples say and do in a relationship. For example, we now know from the work of Dr. John Gottman that there are four communication patterns which predict whether a couple will stay together or break up: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

We know high conflict couples are on a one-way trip to divorce if they don’t learn how to better communicate, take responsibility, and work towards shifting their adversarial paradigm to a more collaborative one.

Dr. Gottman’s research has also shown couples who turn towards their partner for emotional connection and are skilled at making repairs are more successful than couples who don’t.

Despite all this progress, there is one marriage killer which doesn’t receive as much attention and is just as damaging. It has the potential to slowly erode the foundation of love and trust over the course of a relationship.

Silence Is Destructive

Do you know a couple who appears to have it all together, never seems to fight, and for all intents and purposes looks like they have a great relationship? Sometimes they do.

However, they may have gotten in the habit of not saying a word when they are hurt, angry, or disappointed.

Perhaps they feel they “should” be happy because they have it all. Maybe they don’t want to rock the boat.

Or they are both highly conflict avoidant because of challenging dynamics in their families of origin.

They’re silent.

This is the couple I am most concerned about because their wounds remain hidden. Their lack of open and honest communication with each other is slowly eroding the intimacy and emotional safety of their relationship. In fact, the California Divorce Mediation Project reported that 80% of the time couples divorced were due to partners slowly growing apart and losing the sense of closeness that left them feeling unloved and unappreciated.

This couple accepts the status quo. One or both partners decide it’s good enough and not worth the effort to try to improve the situation. Or more likely, they don’t know how to make the effort so the silence continues.

Over time the disconnection, though not verbalized, becomes painful. It’s an internal experience which is never shared with their partner.

As a result, partners feel alone, even when they’re together. They may even decide that they have fallen out of love but struggle to understand why.

A loving, healthy, and connected marriage is a result of ongoing dialogue. These couples check in with each other not only on the things that are bothering them, but also to celebrate when their partner has done something they appreciate.

Do not let silence be your paradigm.

It’s particularly easy for this to occur with couples who “appear” like they have it all. As we all also know, appearances can be deceiving.

Your relationship needs to be nurtured to survive. Even if things are generally okay, don’t let it cast a fog over unmet needs or pain points. This risks not only a buildup of resentment, but worse, the slow death of your relationship.

So speak up. Start small. It will be uncomfortable to break the silence in your marriage, but the resulting emotional connection will be well worth it.

If you are unsure how to initiate a more honest conversation with your partner, seek a couples therapist to help. Think of this as a relationship check-up in the same way you take your car to be serviced or have an annual check-up with your primary care doctor.

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT


You may also like:

The Under The Radar Relationship Killer

Published On:

Last updated on:

The Gottman Institute

The Gottman Institute uses over 40 years of research on thousands of couples to provide research based tips on how to make love last. Our research has saved troubled relationships and strengthened happy ones. Get your free copy of 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last by clicking here Workshot for Couples Professional Training Certificate Courses

Disclaimer: The informational content on The Minds Journal have been created and reviewed by qualified mental health professionals. They are intended solely for educational and self-awareness purposes and should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing emotional distress or have concerns about your mental health, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional or healthcare provider.

Leave a Comment

Today's Horoscope

Accurate Daily Horoscope for 12 Zodiac Signs

Daily Horoscope 13 June 2025: Prediction For Each Zodiac Sign

🌟 Ready to unlock the secrets of 13 June, 2025? Discover your personalized horoscope and see what the stars have in store for you today! ✨🔮

Latest Quizzes

Who Is The Real Father? Only 1% Can Spot - Can You? Fun Quiz

Who Is The Real Father? Only 1% Can Spot The Baby’s Biological Dad In 10 Seconds — Are You One Of Them?

Can you really tell just by looking? Well, here’s your chance to find out.

Latest Quotes

Let's Normalize Telling People - Self Worth Quotes

Let’s Normalize Telling People – Self Worth Quotes

You can love them and still choose yourself.

Readers Blog

Caption This Image and Selected Wisepicks – 8 June 2025

Ready to unleash your inner wordsmith? ✨??☺️ Now’s your chance to show off your wit, charm, or sheer genius in just one line! Whether it’s laugh-out-loud funny or surprisingly deep, we want to hear it. Submit your funniest, wittiest, or most thought-provoking caption in the comments. We’ll pick 15+ winners to be featured on our…

Latest Articles

Lack of communication between two souls can be a relationship killer.

Researchers are doing a great job raising awareness about harmful things couples say and do in a relationship. For example, we now know from the work of Dr. John Gottman that there are four communication patterns which predict whether a couple will stay together or break up: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

We know high conflict couples are on a one-way trip to divorce if they don’t learn how to better communicate, take responsibility, and work towards shifting their adversarial paradigm to a more collaborative one.

Dr. Gottman’s research has also shown couples who turn towards their partner for emotional connection and are skilled at making repairs are more successful than couples who don’t.

Despite all this progress, there is one marriage killer which doesn’t receive as much attention and is just as damaging. It has the potential to slowly erode the foundation of love and trust over the course of a relationship.

Silence Is Destructive

Do you know a couple who appears to have it all together, never seems to fight, and for all intents and purposes looks like they have a great relationship? Sometimes they do.

However, they may have gotten in the habit of not saying a word when they are hurt, angry, or disappointed.

Perhaps they feel they “should” be happy because they have it all. Maybe they don’t want to rock the boat.

Or they are both highly conflict avoidant because of challenging dynamics in their families of origin.

They’re silent.

This is the couple I am most concerned about because their wounds remain hidden. Their lack of open and honest communication with each other is slowly eroding the intimacy and emotional safety of their relationship. In fact, the California Divorce Mediation Project reported that 80% of the time couples divorced were due to partners slowly growing apart and losing the sense of closeness that left them feeling unloved and unappreciated.

This couple accepts the status quo. One or both partners decide it’s good enough and not worth the effort to try to improve the situation. Or more likely, they don’t know how to make the effort so the silence continues.

Over time the disconnection, though not verbalized, becomes painful. It’s an internal experience which is never shared with their partner.

As a result, partners feel alone, even when they’re together. They may even decide that they have fallen out of love but struggle to understand why.

A loving, healthy, and connected marriage is a result of ongoing dialogue. These couples check in with each other not only on the things that are bothering them, but also to celebrate when their partner has done something they appreciate.

Do not let silence be your paradigm.

It’s particularly easy for this to occur with couples who “appear” like they have it all. As we all also know, appearances can be deceiving.

Your relationship needs to be nurtured to survive. Even if things are generally okay, don’t let it cast a fog over unmet needs or pain points. This risks not only a buildup of resentment, but worse, the slow death of your relationship.

So speak up. Start small. It will be uncomfortable to break the silence in your marriage, but the resulting emotional connection will be well worth it.

If you are unsure how to initiate a more honest conversation with your partner, seek a couples therapist to help. Think of this as a relationship check-up in the same way you take your car to be serviced or have an annual check-up with your primary care doctor.

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT


You may also like:

The Under The Radar Relationship Killer

Published On:

Last updated on:

The Gottman Institute

The Gottman Institute uses over 40 years of research on thousands of couples to provide research based tips on how to make love last. Our research has saved troubled relationships and strengthened happy ones. Get your free copy of 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last by clicking here Workshot for Couples Professional Training Certificate Courses

Leave a Comment

    Leave a Comment