The Slippery Ground Of Unconditional Giving In Relationships
A recent experience in love led to nowhere but the destruction of my healthy self-image, and it taught me a lesson that can be resourceful to many.
So now I will share with you the treasures I found in a box full of weapons licensed to kill.
One and a half years ago I met one of my brothers in spirit. Seeing each other on a daily basis in an active and fun work environment, I had a chance to experience myself in ways not known to me before.
Functioning on higher frequencies, I became the fuller and a complete version of myself. My heart emanated unconditional love; acceptance and understanding were a natural state of my spirit and mind united into one force. Both were springing within me effortlessly whenever the circumstances asked for them.
I loved myself; I loved him; I was joyful every hour of the day. Clouds happened but I did not feel their shadows. I lived in an unbreakable unity.
Yet we never became a couple those three months spent side by side. We manifested love but not as lovers. Shortly after, these circumstances came to an end. I was preparing to move to London while he left for Spain. Only once he was gone did he call and confess his love. Before this point, he ran from it. He told me he wanted “to go alone”. Trying to let go proved useless during our months apart. Our feelings were strong, deep; we experienced each other’s beings deeply, regardless of the boundaries of space. What we had was incomparable and unbeatable. I knew its worth. We held onto the light of love and union and both benefited from its gifts.
Later time proved that what he omitted to say, and I omitted to recognize, was that he was unready, incapable of giving in a concrete relationship, of cultivating and taking the responsibility for one. He did not give us the chance for a manifestation of our beings in one, actively, day by day.
Plus the fact that he still wanted to “go alone”.
All this time I never stopped giving, and was very good at it, hoping, building, nurturing, finding and cultivating ways for us. He eagerly accepted the daily dose of love that I kept submitting to him in very creative ways.
But eventually, my inner strength dropped. I lost my appetite for life. It is very dangerous for a woman to maintain a long distance love relationship because structures of her soul are constantly projected on the loved one, causing her to lose the benefits of her own soul energies being with her, nurturing her own life, and opening her own doors toward meaningful experiences. Men tend to practice this kind of soul connection to a lesser degree and intensity compared to women.
We finally managed to share some time together, but we only had ten days to figure things out and experience each other. Strong feelings of familiarity, glimpses of unity, “knowing”, tenderness of heart, and love, but also pain, separation, confusion, pushing away, and running were all part of those ten days.
At the end of it, I was again told he wanted “to go alone”, that it was not the right time.
Read 5 Steps To Help Let Go Someone You Love
Although painful, my story led me to a very big screen full of lessons of self-mastery.
Before I start the projection of that screen onto paper, I would like to mention, that when I began this article, on the 28th of September 2015, we were living in the eclipse to which the Twin gateway is linked—a project of the Universe that is meant to work on reuniting those of spiritual brotherhood on the physical plane as well. My attention had been drowning to the topic the past few days, and then while confessing my feelings to one of my friends, the sky showcased the most beautiful rainbow in a full arch on the “screen” in front of my house in Corfu…and a few minutes apart a second one right above it! It’s twin!
I was aligning with the energies of the twin gateway, only to have a few hours later the revelation and clear sight of my “twin” experience.
It is its wisdom I am looking to share today.
Within the second third of my long distance relationship, I started to struggle with self-confidence and self-worth as a woman. These slowly started to download themselves into my subconscious. Having seen that my beloved did nothing to give us a chance together, I started to translate that into “I am not enough”, “I am not good enough as a woman”, not desirable enough, not worthy enough. These were the messages on my mirror and I believed them, absorbed them deeper and deeper into the structures of my psyche. Soon I gave up reaching out for life, gave up my present, found it absurd and invaluable, placing myself on hold, withdrawn from life. My self-image and worth were on the minus scale; only it happened so softly and quietly that I overlooked it, living it as a given reality.
Still, paradoxically, I knew that everything I gave him was of exceptional quality. The love I gave was valuable and important to him, hence the length of time he stayed, being part of it, receiving it.
Be aware of the distortion in the mirrors you are shown! I perceived myself as not enough, not good enough, not desirable enough, and valuable enough, while in reality, all these were true for the other end of the interaction line!
The messages that came to me from him said, “I love you but I don’t want you”. I accepted him as an authority. So I believed the fault was with me. Though what truly happened was he did not want me because he did not feel enough for a relationship. He did not desire me because he did not feel powerful enough for giving, did not have enough strength to cultivate a love relationship in real life. Looking at him and at his behavior, I believed they were my mirror image, a reflection of me…but no, they were of him.
And slowly, slowly day by day I forgot that what I gave him was beautiful because I was that beauty. What I gave him was truthful because I am truthful, what I gave him was meaningful because I am meaningful, that I gave him so much because I have such a big power to give.
My own actions are my own mirror and not other actions!
Loving was not the mistake! My mistake was wanting to be with a person who was contrary to the fact that he loved me, was not capable of giving me a chance to manifest the value and beauty of me in real life while being in a love relationship. The manifestation of love in the physical world is a healthy requirement for everyone who chooses such a relationship. It is a mistake to want to be with someone who does not offer the chance to experience your love, experience yourself and the loved one in the delight of real life manifestation. We are responsible for giving and creating for ourselves the opportunity to manifest in the physical world in a broad variety of situations, playing all chords of life, all chords of our inner being. These give the taste and meaning of life.
The right attitude on my part after a healthy period of time would have been “I love you, I really do, but you never gave me the chance to truly be with you”.
While you continue wanting a relationship that does not offer much, you hold up a false mirror for the other person that sends the wrong messages instead of giving them the chance to see the way they really are.
At the same time you “make” them hold a prolonged false mirror toward you that eventually will bring you down.
Agnes Bodi
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