Are you struggling with teen parent clashes and wondering why your teenager pushes back? Learn insights by Dr. Ran D. Anbar to bridge the gap!
Parents should fully explain the rationale for their guidance to their children.
Key points
- Preteens may interpret setting of boundaries or guidance as criticism or arguments.
- Children often disregard statements made by their parents in anger.
- Improved communication within the family can improve teenagers’ cooperation.
Recently, I began discussing with my preteen and young teenage patients why they thought that their parents argued with them.
The answers I was given were telling:
My parents like to show that they’re right.
My parents like to make me angry so that they can punish me.
My parents like to argue.
My parents don’t like to give in.
I have no idea.
Listening to these answers reminded me that many children and adolescents (and even some adults) assume that most people think like they do.
Read More Here: Eggshell Parenting: 6 Signs You Spent Childhood Walking On Thin Ice
In other words, a young adolescent may assume that their parents are arguing with them for the same reason the adolescent argues with their parents. Adolescents may want to demonstrate their independence, show that they’re right, not want to give in, or want to make their parents angry so that they can feel what the adolescent is feeling.
It should be noted that often preteens interpret the setting of boundaries or guidance as criticism or arguments, even when they are given calm instructions. The hormonal changes that occur around puberty can further increase these children’s sensitivity.
When I have suggested that the main reason parents argue with their children is that they want to help them become well-adjusted and successful adults, many of my young patients appear surprised and become more receptive to their parents’ input.
I must admit that I was surprised to find out that some teenagers do not understand the reason for their parents discipline and guidance.
Teen Parent Clashes: What Your Teen May Not Understand
Upon reflection, I recognized that one reason for this lack of understanding may be that the parents never took time to calmly explain to their children why they insist on appropriate behavior. When their children were young, such an explanation would not have been helpful because the children were too immature to understand the rationale. However, by their preteen years, this issue should be addressed.
Telling children that “I know best because I’m your parent,” “You’ll understand when you’re older,” or “I’m doing this for your own good” is woefully insufficient.
First, because these statements are usually made in anger, children tend to disregard them.
Second, these statements do not offer a rationale for the parents’ opinions. For instance, telling children that too much use of electronics is bad for them does not provide them with an understanding of why this is so. After all, our children often know other children who are good students and seem well adjusted despite spending a lot of time on electronic devices
Instead, parents can explain that overuse of electronic devices takes away time that could be devoted to activities that would help children to become more successful, such as exercise, developing social skills, improving their academic abilities, or forming new interests that would provide them with greater opportunities in life.
I suggest to parents that they take time with their preteens to explain their rationale for their guidance. Such a discussion should take place when both the parents and preteens are calm so that parents can fully listen to and understand their preteens’ responses. In this way, they can better address any of their children’s misconceptions or apprehensions.
Takeaway
American author Mark Twain purportedly said, “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”
Twain’s parents likely did not explain to him the rationale for their viewpoints when he was a teenager.
Ironically, when I cite this quote to young teens and ask them what it means, they typically do not figure out that it was the teenage Twain who mostly changed during the seven years in question. Thus, these teenagers demonstrate yet again that it is important for parents to be explicit in explaining the ways of the world to their children, rather than assuming that they already know.
Read More Here: Digital Parenting: Guiding Children Through Tech And Social Media
To find out more information about improving communication with your teen, you can check out my new book, The Life Guide for Teens: Harnessing your Inner Power to be Health, Happy, and Confident.
Written by Ran D. Anbar, M.D., FAAP
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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