Ever find yourself being in conflict, saying all the wrong things? Here are six steps for better communication to help you when interpersonal tensions rise.

When there is interpersonal tension, we may need to give it gentle attention.

Key points

• Being in conflict with someone can be deeply distracting and distressing.
• There are specific do’s and don’ts that can be applied to both listening and speaking skills.
• Staying in third person, listening well, and responding thoughtfully can help repair a relational rupture.

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When something feels off or amiss with a friend, coworker or family member, we may know that we need to talk but sometimes hesitate because we don’t know how to approach the topic.

Communication is naturally easier when we are addressing lighter or more cheerful material, but communication is just as important during difficult times. However, there are some guidelines to keep in mind when approaching a situation that needs more direct interaction.

Either party could initiate the metaphorical tools offered here, though usually the person who is generally less distraught likely will need to be the one to start this conversation.

Both sides deserve to be heard and to share, but the less dysregulated individual likely needs to begin the process. Hopefully, some clear communication can dislodge the roadblock and allow there to be more of a bidirectional conversation.

6 Steps For Better Communication

Holding Conjugation Memories: Stay in First Person

Anyone who took a foreign language class in school will likely remember the conjugation exercises that addressed the need for subject-verb agreement.

These sorts of grammatical shifts are considered one of the more difficult parts of learning a new language. However, when aiming to have a clarifying conversation with someone in your native language, it is recommended that the first-person “I-messages” are used most often.

Rather than focusing on “You did X” or “You can’t do Y” in our initiation of conversation, we are likely to have much more success if we can instead communicate with “I was shocked when X happened” or “I was really scared when Y occurred.”

This sort of approach helps to lessen defensiveness, shows some ownership, and provides an opportunity for the other individual to respond similarly using more “I-messages” than the accusatory-sounding “You messages.”

We Have Two Ears and One Mouth: Listen Well

The Greek philosopher Epictetus is quoted as saying: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” This craft of listening, especially during times of conflict or disagreement, cannot be over-emphasized.

Listening does not indicate full agreement or passivity, but it does allow more clarification and a better starting point for finding common ground than continual shouting or disagreement.

There are several steps to listening effectively. Encouraging the other individual to share more can be supported with phrases such as “Tell me more.” Reflecting back what you believe you heard is also critical in terms of avoiding misunderstandings or potential biases in the processing of the information.

Engaging in this process allows the other individual to feel heard and prepares for the next stage of possible healing or negotiation to take place. Keeping calm and neutral is critical.

Drop the JADE Dagger: Respond Thoughtfully

Once we have heard the other’s concerns, we may be ready to jump into a tirade of all the injustices and misperceptions that have occurred. Sadly, this sort of knee-jerk response is a tactic that often escalates conflict rather than resolves it.

In Al-Anon, JADE is a helpful acronym used to remind loved ones to beware of the tendency to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. When a loved one accuses us of something or remembers a situation differently, we may want to excessively explain ourselves, defend our position, and get caught up in arguing.

Instead of over-justifying actions or opinions when trying to resolve a dispute, we are likely to have much more success if we aim to calmly, clearly, and confidently communicate our own viewpoint. All emotions may be valid, but some feelings might be considered more inside/private thoughts than outside/sharing types of thoughts.

Carry a Personal Fan: Blow Away Minor Insults

If a derogatory remark within the exchange is minor or minimal, the conversation may be able to continue. In those moments, we may envision using a small personal fan that gently wafts away any of the small challenging commentaries. Attaching to everything negative can be derailing and distracting. We can observe without absorbing.

However, if the negativity turns offensive and cruel, some “I-messages” may be needed to declare boundaries, such as “I am not comfortable continuing to talk right now when you are yelling at me” or “I can’t absorb what you are wanting to share with me when you seem so angry.”

This behavior may indicate that the other person is not really ready to talk and may be taking the opportunity to hurl more insults or extreme statements your way. In those moments, we may need to step away to avoid more wounding.

Like Asking Which Flavor Popsicle They Want: Clarify Need

If we are able to get a better understanding of what is going on and what might have led to some tension with the other person, we then may be ready to move to the next step of clarifying the need. Similar to how we might ask about someone’s favorite popsicle flavor rather than assume they have the same preferences as us, asking for the next step request is important.

Asking directly, “What do you need from me around this?” is a direct, clear, straightforward way to begin the dialogue possibly. A common mistake is for people to jump forward into a fix-it mode before knowing what really might be most helpful for a particular situation.

You may not be able to provide what is requested, but you are much less likely to be able to do this if you are guessing.

One example of a type of question that might be helpful is “Do you want me to hear you, help you, or hug you?” This originated from a New York Times article by Jancee Dunn and provides the prospect of some pause for both parties and opens up the possibility for solution-generation.

If one party jumps in with practical support when really only listening was needed, this can cause more ripple effects of misalignment.

Unlike Milk, Expiration Dates on Apologies Can Be Extended

Repairing a relational rupture is not always easy or immediate, but it is often possible over time. Often, genuine, heartfelt apologies are needed from one or both individuals. We must remember that there is a difference between our intention and the ultimate impact something had on someone; having had no intention to hurt does not mean an apology is not warranted.

And when we are waiting for an apology, the timing is almost always slower than what we think would be ideal. The sooner, the better in most cases, but even long-overdue apologies can be meaningful.

In Ira Byock’s book, The Four Things That Matter Most, he identifies the four most important sentences as “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you.” As a palliative care physician, he highlights things patients might most benefit from saying and hearing on their deathbed; however, these simple phrases also serve as guidelines for living.

Read More Here: How To Improve Communication Skills: 5 Proven Techniques

The fact that 50 percent of the phrases have to do with forgiveness speaks to how common an issue this is among people and to the importance of mending relationships with people about whom we care.

Want more insights from Dr. Wartski? Learn more about her here or explore her other articles on Psychology Today.

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Written by: Dr. Sandra Wartski
Originally appeared on Psychology Today