6 Phases Of A Relationship With A Narcissist: The Emotional Rollercoaster

Written By:

Written By:

Relationship With A Narcissist Phases Of The Toxic Cycle

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with each phase presenting new challenges and realizations. These phases of a narcissistic relationship leave you questioning your self-worth. Understanding these stages can help you navigate the ups and downs of a narcissistic relationship more effectively.

KEY POINTS

  • Narcissists may manipulate through observation and charm, creating a false sense of bonding.
  • These relationships have distinct phases, often involving a gradual, potentially traumatizing end.
  • Understanding these phases aids in healing and setting boundaries.

Relationships with individuals who exhibit narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) present a series of dynamics that can be complex and challenging to navigate and often leave lasting emotional scars that go from emotional pain to lasting trauma.

Through observations gleaned from working and interacting with many couples, I have identified a series of phases that characterize the narcissist’s approach to relationships.

Related: 22 Stages of Relationship Between An Empath And Narcissist

These stages reveal a pattern of manipulation, emotional control, and eventual emotional and physical abandonment that can deeply affect their partners.

Understanding these phases can help in recognizing the dynamics at play and, for those who find themselves entangled in such relationships, in navigating their path toward recovering themselves after having been under the influence and strongly bonded to someone who didnโ€™t care about them.

Phases of a relationship with a narcissist

6 Phases Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

1. Observing

The narcissist initiates this phase by meticulously studying their target’s behavior, routines, interests, and weaknesses. They aim to gather valuable information that will allow them to navigate the situation effectively.

The narcissist subtly showcases their charisma and magnetism without direct engagement, piquing the target’s interest and enticing them into the relationship. For them, choosing the right partner is extremely important.

2. Approaching

In this stage, the narcissist makes contact with the target and begins love-bombing, inundating them with excessive affection, attention, and flattery combined with periods of indifference.

The euphoric feeling generated by this tactic renders the target vulnerable and more susceptible to the narcissist’s charms.

At some point, the narcissist appears deeply invested in the relationship, accelerating its intensity, and fostering a false sense of strong, almost indestructible bonding.

3. Glamorizing

Here, the narcissist carefully crafts an idealized persona, highlighting their accomplishments, connections, and material possessions to captivate and charm their target.

They generate an aura of success and desirability, ensuring their target perceives them as exceptional and worthy of admiration. The narcissist aims to charm and impress their target, making them feel special and privileged to be in their company.

During this phase, they create a strong emotional bond by portraying themselves as the perfect partners and even mirroring the target’s interests.

The narcissist may adapt their personality to mirror the target’s values, fortifying the emotional bond, and consolidating the target’s trust in the relationship.

Related: The Narcissistic Loverโ€™s Playbook: Stages of Relationship With a Narcissist

4. Needing

Arguably the most protracted and emotionally draining phase, the narcissist capitalizes on the target’s compassion and empathy by emphasizing their vulnerability or neediness, and the trust they built.

They engineer drama and crises to preserve emotional control and dependency.

As the target prioritizes the narcissist’s needs and neglects their own, the erosion of their self-esteem and personal boundaries may become increasingly evident for the narcissist and others but not to the partner, who may have developed a trauma bond by this point.

5. Discarding

Contrary to popular belief, the discarding phase isn’t always sudden. This phase can unfold gradually and be painfully long. The narcissist may be planning their exit strategy but still requires the relationship for various reasons they will keep hidden.

They start the process of withdrawal, depriving the target of the most fundamental emotional intimacy and support. This phase is filled with gaslighting, accusations, devaluation, and abuse, and a lack of commitment, loyalty, or accountability.

The partner is left to their own devices but may remain under the illusion created by the narcissist that itโ€™s their fault and that they deserve โ€œpunishment.โ€

It can become particularly hard for the partner if they become aware of what narcissism entails, as this awareness can pose a threat to the narcissist. Learning about narcissistic abuse is often the beginning of the partner’s fall from grace and the end of the bond.

6. Leaving

This phase is often overlooked but is critical in understanding the narcissist’s motivations. As the narcissist prepares to end the relationship and orchestrates their departure, they may make a last attempt to regain control and preserve their self-image.

They may offer apologies, express remorse, or manipulate the target into believing they possess redeeming qualities to absolve themselves of any guilt and secure their reputation.

Regardless of the partner’s response, the narcissist ultimately constructs a narrative that portrays them as the victim. They will express resentment toward their former partner, bad-mouthing them to others and making public false accusations.

They may claim their partner made their life difficult or took away something that belonged to them, such as children, assets, or social status.

Leaving internal

There are some couple that cohabitate for a while and pretend to be married, but once the narcissist “leaves,” even if still living in the same house, the marriage is over.

Because I specialize in trauma, I canโ€™t conclude without addressing the trauma associated with being in a relationship with a narcissist. Typically, the partner is chosen for their positive attributes, which the narcissist seeks to exploit.

Feeling seen and appreciated drives the target to lower their guard and develop trust in their partner. This makes them easy prey for manipulative techniques like gaslighting because of the trust and the highly probable trauma bond developed in the name of love.

Thatโ€™s why the discarding and leaving phases are so damaging. A slow discarding can keep the partner in a state of uncertainty, activating their stress responses and altering the functioning of their nervous system day after day.

This gradual, sustained emotional rollercoaster is often referred to as complex trauma, or the slow traumatization of the person, where the struggle for survival is fraught with challenges such as self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, shame, confusion, fear, and instability.

Related: What a Relationship with a Narcissist Actually Feels Like

As the narcissist chips away at the very qualities that initially drew them to their partner, the targeted individual may experience a decline in self-esteem and a sense of debilitation.

This erosion of personal identity can leave the partner feeling disoriented, helpless, and questioning their resilience in the face of ongoing emotional abuse.

Once you recognize these red flags and when you understand the narcissist’s true intentions beneath their actions, you can begin the process of healing, rebuilding your damaged sense of self, and recovering yourself and your potential.

By identifying these phases, you can take steps to protect your emotional well-being and set boundaries to prevent further harm.

The award winning book Traumatization and Its Aftermath (Routledge, 2023) expands on all these issues.

References:

Contreras, A. 2023. Traumatization and Its Aftermath. Routledge, NY, London.

Written By Antonieta Contreras
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
narcissistic relationship

— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

, ,

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

8 Subtle Signs Youโ€™re Dealing with a Covert Narcissist (And How to Handle Them!)

Subtle Signs of a Covert Narcissist You Need to Know to Save Yourself

You may know how to spot a narcissist, but identifying a covert narcissist can be tricky. Here are some signs of a covert narcissist that you need to look out for!

At first glance, they might seem like the perfect friend or colleague, always willing to help and never asking for much in return. But as you spend more time around them, something starts to feel off. They subtly fish for compliments, often downplay their own achievements, but expect recognition in return.

And when they don’t get the praise they think they deserve, they may act hurt or withdraw but without openly saying it. Well, this person has the signs of a covert narcissist!

Up Next

8 Signs of a Petty Person Thatโ€™ll Have You Saying, โ€œWait, Really?โ€

Signs of Petty Person Thatll Have You Saying Wait Really

Do you ever get that feeling that you are the lead actor in a soap opera you didn’t sign up for? Do you think you are dealing with someone who is petty, by any chance?The signs of a petty person arenโ€™t always neon-lit, but once you spot them, youโ€™ll wonder how you missed it.

From holding grudges longer than your Netflix subscription to being the Sherlock Holmes of social media stalking, petty people have a unique way of spicing up life (not always in a good way).

So how do you know youโ€™re dealing with petty people? Letโ€™s break it down and start with trying to understand who is a petty person.

Related:

Up Next

10 Red Flags of a Vindictive Mother and How to Stay Strong

Red Flags of a Vindictive Mother and How to Stay Strong

So, who exactly is a โ€œvindictive motherโ€? Well, itโ€™s not just a mom whoโ€™s a little cranky or gives you the cold shoulder once in a while. Weโ€™re talking about those mothers who holds grudges, plays mind games, and never hesitates to make your life harder. Why? Because she can.

A vindictive mother is a malicious mother, who isnโ€™t your regular parentโ€”she is controlling, manipulative, and, at times, straight out cruel.

Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her? If you answered yes, then chances are you have vindictive narcissist mother. So today we are going to explore what the signs of a toxic mum are and what you can do to handle her.

Related:

Up Next

Feeling Exhausted? 8 Signs of an Emotionally Draining Person to Look Out For

Signs of an Emotionally Draining Person to Look Out For

Have you ever hung out with someone and have left feeling like you just ran a 5k marathon without moving an inch? If you’re nodding along, this is just one of the many signs of an emotionally draining person.

These energy vampires are really talented when it comes to mentally exhausting you, even though you didn’t do anything but have a simple conversation.

Have there been times where you have felt completely wiped after a chat or hangout? Then maybe itโ€™s time to figure out if youโ€™re dealing with an emotionally draining person.

Today, we are going to talk about what is an emotionally draining person, the traits of an emotionally draining person and how to deal with an emotionally draining person.

Let’s start with what is an emotionally draining

Up Next

What Is Narcissistic Injury? 8 Signs And How To Dodge The Drama

What Is Narcissistic Injury? Signs And How To Dodge The Drama

What is a narcissistic injury really? You know that person who flips out over the smallest critique, like you just insulted their entire life? Or maybe they go into full passive-aggressive mode because you dared to disagree with them? Yeah, you mightโ€™ve walked right into a narcissistic minefield. 

When you cause a narcissistic wound, it can feel like navigating a relationship booby trapโ€”one wrong move, and boom! Drama explosion.

But what is really going on here? Why do some people react like their world is ending over a tiny comment?

Letโ€™s dig into the wild world of a narcissistic injury, what causes narcissistic injury, the signs of narcissistic injury and some good old examples of narcissistic injury.  

Letโ€™s start with what is

Up Next

Inside Vulnerable Narcissism: Exploring Traits, Patterns, and Relationship Struggles

Vulnerable Narcissism: Traits, Patterns, and Mental Health

Have you ever been on the other side of vulnerable narcissism? What even is that, and what does it entail? Today we are going to do a deep dive into this world of narcissism and find out what it means to have a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist.

In the world of psychology, the idea of narcissism has caught the attention of experts and therapists. When you hear the word “narcissist,” you might imagine someone who thinks highly of themselves.

But not all narcissism is the same; there are different types. One kind is called vulnerable narcissism. This means feeling insecure and sensitive and thinking you’re better than others.

Related:

Up Next

5 Cruel Things A Narcissist Does To Torture You

Toxic Things A Narcissist Does To Hurt You

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like you’re trapped in an emotional storm that never settles. If you suspect this type of behavior in a relationship, then here are five inhuman things a narcissist does to torture you.

But, What Is Narcissist Torture?

Narcissist torture isn’t an official psychological term, but it’s commonly used to describe emotional or psychological manipulation by those with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

It usually refers to the harmful behaviors or tactics that a narcissist uses to control, demean, or manipulate you, all in an effort to uphold their sense of superiority, gain power, or reinforce their self-image.