Kind Words, Weird Feels: The Psychology of Compliments

Psychology of Compliments Ways Accept It Well

Receiving praise can feel tricky, but why are they so hard to accept? Dive into the fascinating psychology of compliments and discover how accepting it transforms confidence and connections.

Why we resist kind words and simple strategies to accept them fully.

Key points

  • Compliments can create discomfort when they clash with our self-perception and internal narratives.
  • Social conditioning often teaches us to deflect praise, making compliments feel unnatural or undeserved.
  • Embracing compliments boosts confidence, builds meaningful connections, and fosters personal growth.
  • Reframing compliments as gifts helps us accept them with gratitude instead of skepticism.

As my new book, Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing It All, debuted and compliments started rolling in, my inner critic quietly pulled up a seat and muttered, “Letโ€™s not get carried away.”

My brain managed to downplay every kind word that came my way. For instance when one person said, โ€œI couldnโ€™t put it down,โ€ my brain, ever ready to undermine the moment, whispered, โ€œTheyโ€™re just being kind.โ€ Another reader told me, โ€œYour writing is so powerful,โ€ yet all I could think was, โ€œThey probably donโ€™t want to hurt my feelings.โ€

No matter how kind or genuine the feedback, my inner dialogue seemed determined to find a way to dismiss it. It was like I was allergic to compliments, constantly downplaying what my co-authors and I worked so hard to create. Turns out, Iโ€™m not alone in feeling this way.

Why Compliments Make Us Squirm: Psychology Of Compliments

For many, compliments are paradoxically both uplifting and unsettling. A kind word about our achievements, talents, or even our appearance can feel undeserved or insincere.

Why Compliments Make Us Squirm

This discomfort often stems from deep-rooted insecurities or the nagging voice of imposter feelings, which convince us that we arenโ€™t as competent or worthy as others perceive.

Psychologists attribute this discomfort to cognitive dissonanceโ€”the mental tension that arises when our self-perception doesnโ€™t align with how others see us. If youโ€™re your own worst critic, hearing โ€œYouโ€™re incredible at thisโ€ can feel jarring because it contradicts the narrative in your head that says, โ€œI could have done better.โ€

This clash often leads to knee-jerk reactions, like deflecting (โ€œOh, it was no big dealโ€) or dismissing (โ€œThey donโ€™t really mean itโ€). While these reactions might ease our initial unease, they also prevent us from fully embracing the positive impact of kind words.

Research suggests this struggle is particularly pronounced for women, who are often socialized to be modest and to focus outwardly on others. Compliments, then, can feel like spotlights exposing imagined imperfections.

Layer on the pressure of perfectionism that women often feel, and even a well-meaning โ€œYouโ€™re amazing!โ€ can feel like a reminder of our perceived shortcomings.

Ironically (or maybe not), this is a dynamic Iโ€™ve explored deeply in my work, including the very book that sparked my feelings of vulnerability around praise. I guess itโ€™s true: We often study what we most need to learn!

Why Learning to Accept Compliments Matters

Accepting compliments isnโ€™t just about boosting your ego; itโ€™s about fostering connection (Fredrickson, 2009). Compliments are small acts of kindness that say, โ€œI see you. I value you.โ€ By brushing them off, we unintentionally dismiss the giverโ€™s thoughtfulness and vulnerability.

Moreover, learning to accept praise can help us rewrite those internal scripts of self-doubt. When we practice embracing positive feedback, we affirm not only our worth but also the relationships that give life its richness.

How to Get Better at Receiving Compliments

psychology of compliments
how to accept compliments

If compliments make you squirm, remember youโ€™re not alone, but thereโ€™s good news: You can train yourself to accept them with grace. Here are three practical strategies:

1. Say โ€œThank Youโ€ and Pause. The simplest way to respond to a compliment is with genuine gratitude. A heartfelt โ€œthank youโ€ shows you value the kind words without deflecting or diminishing them. Resist the urge to explain or downplayโ€”just let the compliment land.

  • Compliment: โ€œYou did an amazing job on this project.โ€
  • Response: โ€œThank you! That means a lot to me.โ€

2. Resist the Deflection Trap. Itโ€™s tempting to redirect a compliment with phrases like, โ€œOh, it was nothing,โ€ or โ€œIt was really a team effort.โ€ While these responses may feel modest, they can unintentionally diminish the compliment and make the giver feel dismissed. Instead, try owning your contribution.

  • Compliment: โ€œYour presentation was so relevant.โ€
  • Deflection: โ€œOh, I just got lucky with the timing of the topic.โ€
  • Better Response: โ€œThank you! Iโ€™m glad you found it valuable.โ€

3. Reflect and Let It Sink In. Compliments often feel fleeting, but you can make them last. Take time to reflect on kind words, letting them settle in your mind. Writing compliments down can help, tooโ€”a โ€œcompliment journalโ€ can remind you of your strengths on tougher days.

  • Compliment: โ€œYour advice really helped me.โ€
  • Reflection: Later, remind yourself, โ€œMy perspective made a difference.โ€

Reframing Compliments as Gifts of Connection: Learn To Accept Compliments

One way to shift your mindset is to view compliments as gifts. When someone offers kind words, theyโ€™re sharing their positive experience of you. Accepting a compliment graciously is like saying, โ€œThank you for this giftโ€”Iโ€™ll treasure it.โ€

This reframing can help you stop seeing compliments as judgments about your worth and start seeing them as bridges of connection. The next time someone offers you a kind word, try to embrace itโ€”not just for your own benefit, but for the connection it creates.

Compliments remind us that our actions and presence have meaning to others and can foster a sense of mutual appreciation and understanding.

For me, this shift is still a work in progress. When someone says, โ€œYour book really spoke to me,โ€ my inner critic might still whisper, โ€œTheyโ€™re just being polite.โ€ But Iโ€™m working on quieting that voice and instead saying, โ€œThank youโ€”that means so much to me.โ€

Accepting kindness may feel awkward, even unnatural at times, but itโ€™s an opportunity for growth. When we let compliments sink in, weโ€™re not just acknowledging our own valueโ€”weโ€™re also honoring the person who offered them. In doing so, we create space for deeper connection, greater joy, and more confidenceโ€”not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.

For more inspiration like this, visit Dr. Lindsey Godwin’s blog on Psychology Today, or check out her #1 New Release in Women’s Studies on Amazon: Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing It All.

Read More Here: 10 Most Heartfelt Compliments Men Would Love To Hear More Often

References
Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity: Top-notch research reveals the upward spiral that will change your life. Crown.
Godwin, L, McGuigan, M. & Novotny, M. (2024) Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing it All. Onion River Press. ditchtheditty.com/book
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Pileggi Pawelski, S., & Pawelski, J. O. (2018). Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com/au/blog/happy-together/201812/why-is-it-so-hard-accept-compliment
Sarkis, S. A. (2017, September 28). Cognitive dissonance. Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201709/cognitive-dissonance
Whitbourne, S. K. (2016, March 17). Why women canโ€™t accept compliments. Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/valley-girl-brain/201603/why-women-cant-accept-compliments

Share your thoughts on how to accept compliments in the comments below!


Written by Lindsey Godwin Ph.D.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
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