Receiving praise can feel tricky, but why are they so hard to accept? Dive into the fascinating psychology of compliments and discover how accepting it transforms confidence and connections.
Why we resist kind words and simple strategies to accept them fully.
Key points
- Compliments can create discomfort when they clash with our self-perception and internal narratives.
- Social conditioning often teaches us to deflect praise, making compliments feel unnatural or undeserved.
- Embracing compliments boosts confidence, builds meaningful connections, and fosters personal growth.
- Reframing compliments as gifts helps us accept them with gratitude instead of skepticism.
As my new book, Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing It All, debuted and compliments started rolling in, my inner critic quietly pulled up a seat and muttered, “Letโs not get carried away.”
My brain managed to downplay every kind word that came my way. For instance when one person said, โI couldnโt put it down,โ my brain, ever ready to undermine the moment, whispered, โTheyโre just being kind.โ Another reader told me, โYour writing is so powerful,โ yet all I could think was, โThey probably donโt want to hurt my feelings.โ
No matter how kind or genuine the feedback, my inner dialogue seemed determined to find a way to dismiss it. It was like I was allergic to compliments, constantly downplaying what my co-authors and I worked so hard to create. Turns out, Iโm not alone in feeling this way.
Why Compliments Make Us Squirm: Psychology Of Compliments
For many, compliments are paradoxically both uplifting and unsettling. A kind word about our achievements, talents, or even our appearance can feel undeserved or insincere.

This discomfort often stems from deep-rooted insecurities or the nagging voice of imposter feelings, which convince us that we arenโt as competent or worthy as others perceive.
Psychologists attribute this discomfort to cognitive dissonanceโthe mental tension that arises when our self-perception doesnโt align with how others see us. If youโre your own worst critic, hearing โYouโre incredible at thisโ can feel jarring because it contradicts the narrative in your head that says, โI could have done better.โ
This clash often leads to knee-jerk reactions, like deflecting (โOh, it was no big dealโ) or dismissing (โThey donโt really mean itโ). While these reactions might ease our initial unease, they also prevent us from fully embracing the positive impact of kind words.
Research suggests this struggle is particularly pronounced for women, who are often socialized to be modest and to focus outwardly on others. Compliments, then, can feel like spotlights exposing imagined imperfections.
Layer on the pressure of perfectionism that women often feel, and even a well-meaning โYouโre amazing!โ can feel like a reminder of our perceived shortcomings.
Ironically (or maybe not), this is a dynamic Iโve explored deeply in my work, including the very book that sparked my feelings of vulnerability around praise. I guess itโs true: We often study what we most need to learn!
Why Learning to Accept Compliments Matters
Accepting compliments isnโt just about boosting your ego; itโs about fostering connection (Fredrickson, 2009). Compliments are small acts of kindness that say, โI see you. I value you.โ By brushing them off, we unintentionally dismiss the giverโs thoughtfulness and vulnerability.
Moreover, learning to accept praise can help us rewrite those internal scripts of self-doubt. When we practice embracing positive feedback, we affirm not only our worth but also the relationships that give life its richness.
How to Get Better at Receiving Compliments

If compliments make you squirm, remember youโre not alone, but thereโs good news: You can train yourself to accept them with grace. Here are three practical strategies:
1. Say โThank Youโ and Pause. The simplest way to respond to a compliment is with genuine gratitude. A heartfelt โthank youโ shows you value the kind words without deflecting or diminishing them. Resist the urge to explain or downplayโjust let the compliment land.
- Compliment: โYou did an amazing job on this project.โ
- Response: โThank you! That means a lot to me.โ
2. Resist the Deflection Trap. Itโs tempting to redirect a compliment with phrases like, โOh, it was nothing,โ or โIt was really a team effort.โ While these responses may feel modest, they can unintentionally diminish the compliment and make the giver feel dismissed. Instead, try owning your contribution.
- Compliment: โYour presentation was so relevant.โ
- Deflection: โOh, I just got lucky with the timing of the topic.โ
- Better Response: โThank you! Iโm glad you found it valuable.โ
3. Reflect and Let It Sink In. Compliments often feel fleeting, but you can make them last. Take time to reflect on kind words, letting them settle in your mind. Writing compliments down can help, tooโa โcompliment journalโ can remind you of your strengths on tougher days.
- Compliment: โYour advice really helped me.โ
- Reflection: Later, remind yourself, โMy perspective made a difference.โ
Reframing Compliments as Gifts of Connection: Learn To Accept Compliments
One way to shift your mindset is to view compliments as gifts. When someone offers kind words, theyโre sharing their positive experience of you. Accepting a compliment graciously is like saying, โThank you for this giftโIโll treasure it.โ
This reframing can help you stop seeing compliments as judgments about your worth and start seeing them as bridges of connection. The next time someone offers you a kind word, try to embrace itโnot just for your own benefit, but for the connection it creates.
Compliments remind us that our actions and presence have meaning to others and can foster a sense of mutual appreciation and understanding.
For me, this shift is still a work in progress. When someone says, โYour book really spoke to me,โ my inner critic might still whisper, โTheyโre just being polite.โ But Iโm working on quieting that voice and instead saying, โThank youโthat means so much to me.โ
Accepting kindness may feel awkward, even unnatural at times, but itโs an opportunity for growth. When we let compliments sink in, weโre not just acknowledging our own valueโweโre also honoring the person who offered them. In doing so, we create space for deeper connection, greater joy, and more confidenceโnot just for ourselves, but for everyone around us.
For more inspiration like this, visit Dr. Lindsey Godwin’s blog on Psychology Today, or check out her #1 New Release in Women’s Studies on Amazon: Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing It All.
Read More Here: 10 Most Heartfelt Compliments Men Would Love To Hear More Often
References
Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity: Top-notch research reveals the upward spiral that will change your life. Crown.
Godwin, L, McGuigan, M. & Novotny, M. (2024) Ditch the Ditty: Doing What Matters Instead of Doing it All. Onion River Press. ditchtheditty.com/book
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Pileggi Pawelski, S., & Pawelski, J. O. (2018). Why is it so hard to accept a compliment? Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com/au/blog/happy-together/201812/why-is-it-so-hard-accept-compliment
Sarkis, S. A. (2017, September 28). Cognitive dissonance. Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201709/cognitive-dissonance
Whitbourne, S. K. (2016, March 17). Why women canโt accept compliments. Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/valley-girl-brain/201603/why-women-cant-accept-compliments
Share your thoughts on how to accept compliments in the comments below!
Written by Lindsey Godwin Ph.D.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today

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