I was 19 the first time I had $ex.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I pretended I knew, but I didn’t. The worst part for me was that I knew that she knew that I had no idea what I was doing.
It was an embarrassing welcome to the wonderful world of $ex.
Up until this night, the only lessons I’d learnt on how to have $ex were from what I’d seen on screen. But what I’d seen on screen, and what I experienced that night couldn’t have been more different.
The guys on screen looked so confident.
I must have looked ridiculous.
The girls on the screen told the guys what she wanted.
The girl I was with didn’t tell me anything.
I was guessing the whole way through.
Honestly, I didn’t really enjoy it.
I put it down to a lack of experience and assumed that over time, the $ex would become better. It did get better. A lot better. But it’s never been how P0RN portrayed it.
Ten years have passed since that first night. Since then, I’ve had the opportunity to chat with a lot of close friends about how their first experience differed from what they’d seen on screen. I was comforted to hear that it wasn’t just me that felt like there was a big gap between what we’d imagined it to be and what we experienced. That’s a big part of why is stopped looking at P0RN in 2008. I felt as though it just lied to me and I didn’t want to spend my time with a liar, no matter how good the lie looked.
If I could give my teenage self any words of wisdom on the topic, this is what I’d say.
- Not all girls are into that I’d seen some pretty crazy, exciting and full on stuff in P0RN. I assumed that’s what $ex was like. But over time I’ve learnt that P0RN is a massive industry with the goal to make money. They make what they know people like to watch. It turns out, people have some pretty intense fantasies. Though our desire for those things help the P0RN industry thrive, doesn’t mean every girl we sleep with will like it. Just because it’s normal in P0RN, doesn’t mean it’s normal.
- Real $ex is unedited I’ve never seen a P0RN star with a pimple. It’s because the makeup team do what they can to hide every blemish. If the girl you’re with has a pimple, she’s not strange, she just hasn’t been edited. It’s a good thing. You wish the girl you’re sleeping with looked like a P0RN star? She probably already does.
- Orgasms only happen sometimes I was so disappointed by this. I thought that as long as you were having $ex, it was guaranteed. In fact, I’ve learnt the hard way that it’s not just about how good your performance in bed is that leads to a girl having an organism, it also depends on the events of the day. Is she stressed, relaxed, tired, excited? If she doesn’t orgasm, don’t stress it might not mean you’re terrible at $ex. She might have just had a hard day. If you’ve been together for 12 years, and she still hasn’t had one…maybe then you need to improve your performance.
- Real $ex is unscripted You know those elaborate setups where the hot school teacher gives out a detention, and the young teenage guy goes and sits down and then the teacher starts flirting? That doesn’t happen. It’s all part of the P0RN stars following a script. As much as I dreamt about this situation growing up, it’s never happened. In fact, all of my detentions have just been…detentions.
- You’ll get better at it Like anything, practice makes perfect. If I was judged solely on how good I was as $ex based on my first performance, I would give myself a three. She would have given me a two. That’s only if she had to give me a number and wasn’t allowed to choose number one.
- One night stands are overrated In April 2007 I decided I was going to try and save $ex until I was either married or in a long-term relationship. It was was a great move. Though one night stands were always a little bit of fun, that’s all they were. They lacked emotion, real connection and any feeling of affection on either side. Now that I’m in a relationship, and love and affection are involved, $ex is WAY better.
- Intimacy is underrated As much as P0RN loves to paint the picture of having $ex with the girl and then getting out of there for the ultimate hook up, it’s not. $ex with someone you love is so much more powerful than a random hookup. As soon as you have $ex with someone you truly love, you’ll know what I mean. Anyone who has slept with a person they love knows what I mean.
- You’ll feel vulnerable It doesn’t matter who you are, standing naked in front of someone for the first time is so scary. If you’re in that position, and feel nervous. Good. You’re normal. I’d never seen a P0RN star look nervous. Turns out, they’re the exception, not us.