10 tips for parents and their daughters for dealing with and preventing girl drama.
Key points
- If you have a secret you don’t want to go viral, don’t share it with anyone.
- Remind your daughter that most hurts lessen over time.
- Apologizing is rarely a bad idea and goes a long way to repairing a fractured relationship.
The other day, a third grader knocked on my door asking to meet with me. She was crying uncontrollably, and it took some time for her story to fully come out. She had two friends, we’ll call them Girls A and B, who coincidentally, shared the same name—making following the story that much more difficult.
Girl B didn’t like Girl A, who was the better friend of my visitor. My visitor had only known Girl B for a year, while Girl A was my visitor’s best friend. Girl A didn’t know why Girl B didn’t like her so much and had asked my visitor, her friend, why Girl B disliked her so much. She said she didn’t know why but explained that Girl B could be a little jealous, possessive, prickly, or stand-offish.
Are you wondering what any of this had to do with why she was crying? I did as well, but figured the important facts of the story would be revealed soon. It turned out that Girl A, who was disliked by Girl B, told her friend at Hebrew school that Girl B didn’t like her and that her best friend, my visitor, had shared her best guess. She said that sometimes Girl B could be a little tricky. Sometimes she wasn’t always the nicest, maybe was even jealous sometimes and possessive.
This might seem like regular social dynamics—not everyone likes everyone. But it essentially exploded into what landed in my office. What happened next was and wasn’t predictable. Girl A who felt disliked, confided in another friend at Hebrew school—Girl C, what my visitor had shared about Girl B. Girl C then told Girl B what my visitor had told Girl A.
Who would have thought that there was a Girl C who knew Girl A or B?! Girl C didn’t even go to school with Girls A or B, or my visitor. But, not too surprisingly, Girl B confronted my visitor, who now felt overwhelmed. Her attempt to validate her best friend’s (Girl A’s) feelings had morphed into her being blamed for explaining the other friend’s (Girl B’s) actions.
What made the situation even more awkward was the fact that it was her best friend, Girl A, who had shared what my visitor told her—but presumably not to create drama but to vent about what had happened with Girl B. Unfortunately, Girl A’s venting or sharing put my visitor in the middle of a conflict with the very girl who actually initiated the ill feelings.
If you followed all of this, great. If you didn’t, at least be sure that girl drama is hard to keep track of. What are the lessons learned? What are the tips you can offer your daughter if she is caught up in a story that remotely resembles this one?
Tips for Parents
Don’t condemn your child’s role in the situation. You are trying to encourage sharing. You also want to teach understanding, and, to do so, you will need to remind your child that we all make mistakes in judgment and can engage in hurtful behavior at times.
Hopefully we do less of it as time goes on, by reflecting on how others’ actions impacted us, and, in part, by realizing that we sometimes act similarly. You are trying to teach lessons that will be useful in the future, especially when the table may be turned.
Normalize the situation without excusing it. Let your child know that most of us have had this happen to them, but that while this situation is not abnormal, it’s not desirable, and what they can do in the future to avoid a repeat occurrence.
Consider the perspectives of all the players. How would most of us feel if someone said we weren’t always nice, even if true? Was the response of Girl B to be expected? Especially when young, would many of us tell a friend what someone else said about them? Maybe.
Tips for Your Child
Remind your child now that there is always more drama ahead. In the life of most schools, there will inevitably be new distractions and drama. Use past experiences of discord and repair to have your child recognize that this too will pass.
Read More Here: Should Parents Set Consequences for Misbehavior or Not?
Suggest your child apologize for what she thinks she did that was hurtful. The most effective apologies that result in actual forgiveness have three essential components:
- Say sorry and make it clear in the apology that you know why your actions were hurtful. This makes the apology seem more genuine.
- Offer to repair the situation or make up for your actions.
- Indicate that you will make every effort to not do what you did again. This assumes that you have given some thought to what prompted you to act as you did.
Put money in the bank. Think about what you can do to make up for what you did that was hurtful. Although this is part of a good apology, it may be that there is nothing that will directly address your actions. This reference to money in the bank is to encourage your child to act with goodwill toward the person whose feelings they have slighted.
For communication skills
Write it down. If your child believes they would have a hard time getting her thoughts out without being interrupted, suggest she write them down and deliver them in a letter. Avoid sending anything electronically as this kind of communication can be easily forwarded to other uninvolved people.
For the general future:
Keep secrets to yourself. As my great-grandmother used to say, “If you can’t keep your secret, why do you think someone else will?” If you have a secret you really want to keep, don’t share it with anyone. It’s kind of simple, but most of us don’t follow it and then we get upset with someone else for doing just what we did.
Use the T.H.N.K. acronym. Suggest that your child think about how what they might say could be interpreted or internalized. Many elementary school teachers use “Is it true, helpful, necessary, or kind? If not all of these things, then keep it to yourself.”
Although what my visitor said was not necessarily mean, commenting on Girl B’s personality was not necessary. When asked why Girl B didn’t like Girl A, it might have been wiser to have said, I don’t know.
Give feedback thoughtfully and gently. If you really need to share, think about a soft, nonshaming way for giving feedback.
But before you give it, you might want to ask yourself if you think the person on the receiving end would really want the feedback and how they may likely respond. If your child is committed to giving their peer feedback, then they may also want to rehearse what they are going to say, something like:
“I’m glad we became friends, but sometimes I feel uncomfortable when you talk about things you and I have done together in front of Girl A. It feels exclusive and I worry it may hurt her feelings. Could we try and avoid doing that when she’s around?”
The bottom line is that navigating social challenges is tricky. Practice makes better, but not always perfect, and that’s OK. Hopefully, we can all give one another grace, realizing we all make mistakes from time to time.
Read More Here: Let Kids Be Kids? 6 Identifying Signs of Hurried Child Syndrome
So this is for parents and their daughters to prevent unnecessary drama in life! Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Written by Pamela D. Brown Ph.D.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
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