How many times have you felt heartbroken, and used just because the man you slept with, started ghosting and avoiding you almost immediately after?
“It’s because you slept with him too soon.”
That’s the reason your friends tell you he flaked.
But it’s not the real reason.
The sooner you realise it, the sooner you’ll stop it happening again.
I find this surprises a lot of women, so let me explain.
A man flaking after sex is a symptom, not the cause.
He wasn’t head over heels smitten by you, then (after sex) thought to himself, “You know what? I’m no longer interested because she slept with me so soon”. I’m yet to hear a single man state that the reason he chose not to pursue things with a woman was solely because of the timing of sex.
Related: 5 Reasons Why Men Lose Interest After Sex
But I can see where the myth comes from, because men disappearing after sex happens – a lot.
I chat to clients and women every day who are sick of men only after one thing. Tired of guys who talk the talk then disappear like clockwork after sex.
I get how used this leaves you feeling. And you’re tired of it.
But correlation is not causation.
Now, this is important.
If you want to immediately decrease the chances you’ll be ‘used’ for sex, then adjusting when you have sex might be a good move for you. Set an arbitrary rule. 3rd date. 5th date. Do whatever you’ve got to do. You’ll reduce the number of men you sleep with, and naturally, you’ll get ‘used’ less.
But this is more important.
Delaying sex in this manner won’t fix the problem. You’re only treating the symptom. It’s like using pain relief to treat an infection. It will make you feel better, but you’re not dealing with the cause.
The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex
Both male and female attraction is a combination of two factors. Physical attraction and Non-physical attraction.
Here’s where things get muddled.
Because men routinely sleep with women they have a physical attraction for, women assume non-physical attraction is of lesser importance in men. This is a mistake. Non-physical attraction is just as important to men – except when it comes to sex.
Physical Attraction
Men put more initial emphasis on physical looks. Studies of the male brain show it’s the first thing men notice about you, and it directly relates to sex. Any man who shows interest in you wants to sleep with you. He’s programmed to.
What you can’t be sure about is this second, much more important, factor.
Related: 3 Frustrating and Ridiculous Ways Men Test Women While Dating
Non-Physical Attraction
Is he non-physically attracted to you?
If he is, you can sleep with him on the first date, and he’s going nowhere.
If he’s not, you can wait until the tenth date, and his physical attraction will often carry him through regardless. He’ll wait it out so he can sleep with you, then leave anyway.
If a man flakes after sex, it wasn’t because you slept with him too soon. It’s because he didn’t feel enough non-physical attraction for you.
Building non-physical attraction
Within a short time of meeting you, a man has begun subconsciously sizing you up as girlfriend material. He’s seeing whether you think you’re worthy of him or whether you put him on a pedestal. He’s noting how much you rely on your looks. He’s watching how people and the world respond to you. He’s looking out for red flags in your character. Most importantly, he’s figuring out if you have a vibrant, passionate world he’d like to be part of.
All these factors are affecting his non-physical attraction, while the deepest part of his brain tells him “sleep with her sleep with her sleep with her”.
And it’s happening faster than you think.
If he isn’t non-physically attracted to you by the end of the first date, it’s not likely to change by the 5th. If you don’t believe me, think about how many bad first dates you’ve had with guys you weren’t attracted to – that have then recovered for you to find attraction later on.
I bet it’s not many.
Your disempowering question
It makes sense. You feel like you’re being used for sex, so you decide to have less sex and wait longer until you do.
The problem? This solution is a great answer… to a fundamentally bad question.
“How can I stop being used for sex?”
You couldn’t find a more disempowering query.
When you’re #1 focus is “not being used“, that’s all you’ll get.
You won’t be empowered. You won’t meet higher quality guys. You will change none of the patterns that led to the flake. You’ll just ‘get used’ less.
Related: 8 Lessons Women Never Learn About Men
Empowering questions to ask yourself
When you start asking empowering questions, you start getting empowering answers. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I stop being used?” imagine if you asked yourself…
- “How can I raise my standards, so I’m not so sold on these guys I’ve only been seeing a short time that I would even want a relationship with them?”
- “How can I stop seeing sex and something I’m ‘used’ for, and start enjoying my sexuality for me?”, and;
- “How can I build a life any man would be lucky to be a part of, that no guy would ever want to flake on?”
Now we’re talking.
Ask questions like these, and you’ll stop asking the question, “When is the right time to sleep with a guy?”
Have sex on your terms, when you feel like it, and when it is comfortable for you. If you feel like you’re being used, having sex less will help in the short term. But stop thinking that the timing of sex plays any real part in male attraction. It doesn’t. And it’s not the reason guys leave after sex.
Work on growing yourself and building non-physical attraction, so that no man in his right mind would flake on you. Ask yourself empowering questions that get to the root of the issue. Above all, stop believing your friends when they tell you, “He flaked because you slept with him too soon.” The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll never concern yourself again with a man’s actions after sex.
Check out Mark Rosenfeld’s personal website and blog, for more such interesting, helpful and informative pieces.
Written By Mark Rosenfeld Originally Appeared In Make Him Yours
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