It takes courage…
I received a shocking reality check at dinner last night, when my partner said to me, “I’ve given up on trying to love you because I couldn’t find an effective way to communicate with you what I need without you getting defensive. So I’m just going to focus on myself.”
My knee-jerk reaction was an angry defense that was not very skillful and lacked empathy and compassion for where he was coming from emotionally.
I kept thinking to myself, “What is the point of being with someone who’s stopped trying? If he’s given up, then what’s the point? I’m giving up too.”
I’ve been swimming in this scenario for most of my life as I struggle with chronic dissatisfaction in my love life — because I often do feel my needs aren’t being met.
Then I discovered the courage to accept these 3 un-sexy truths:
1. Expectations are simply premeditated resentments.
So here are the first truth ladies: You have high expectations that your partner meet your core needs because you aren’t (yet!) able to meet them for yourself.
If you don’t know how to care for your heart, if you don’t know what you need — emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually — to live a happy, fulfilled life … then you will unconsciously expect someone else to do it all for you!
If you expect your partner to meet your needs by reading your mind and body language, I have to say, you’re fresh out of luck.
2. We ALL want to feel loved and cared for by another (and that’s OK!).
I won’t even pretend to believe you if you tell me you don’t care about feeling loved and cared for by another human being, so please stop saying this to yourself or to anyone else (I am calling you on your bluff right now!).
We ALL (including me — and you!) want to feel loved, cared for and adored by another, but until we admit that we DO want it and are willing to receive it, no matter what someone else does for us, it will never be enough.
We may fight for it, but we won’t win. Our anger will push love away and we’ll be left standing all alone.
Our anger then turns to sadness, and we remain stuck in the limiting belief that we ourselves are not enough.
3. When we believe we’re “not enough,” we look to blame our partner instead of reflecting on how we can take better care of ourselves.
We often feel like there is no one who understands us. We think to ourselves, “I don’t need much — just need a partner who respects me, helps me out from time-to-time and doesn’t always just think about themselves first,” and on and on!
We blame others for our state of being and look for reasons to justify why we’re stuck where we are, we stop looking for better ways.
When we’re stuck, we can’t grow, evolve, or break free from our self-destructive patterns in relationships.