Mother’s day 2025 is approaching and you’re still trying to make sense of your mom’s parenting style that made your childhood something out of a Dickensian novel. So, how to not be like your mother?

It’s tough when everyone around you can’t stop talking about how their mom had a big influence on their lives, and yet, here you’re, still trying to piece together the memories of your childhood that invoke only a feeling of dread, lack, insecurity, and helplessness.

Maybe your mom was not around much; always missing your recitals or matches, or she often locked herself in her room and stayed there for days on end, or maybe she was too controlling – always picking up fights with her partner and trying to keep you under her thumb.

Whatever be the case, you couldn’t ever see her as your role model. The thought of turning out to be just like her fills you with trepidation. No, you wouldn’t be like her, not at any cost. But, do you know how to not be like your mom?

Read: 8 Dysfunctional Patterns In Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationships And How To Heal From Them

Are Your Childhood Wounds Still Raw?

As a vulnerable child you were dependent on your parents. The way they treated you and handled their relationship shaped your psychological make up and understanding about relationships. Your world-view was molded by your perception of them.

As you grew up seeing your mom bickering with her partner, cheating on them, lashing out on you and your siblings, or indulging in drinking or any other addiction, you adapted accordingly.

Either you accommodated this behavior or you started resenting it. You found ways to cope with these adverse childhood experiences. You started to do things to get attention or you started avoiding interactions altogether.

You either became hypervigilant; always walking on eggshells, reading the room, and staying alert, or you withdrew in yourself. You either complied or pushed back.

You either became too dependent on others or resolved never to depend on anyone for any kind of help.  

Your mom taught you how to navigate life and deal with its challenges in her own way, and you internalized a good part of it whether you realize it or not.

And as an adult, when you make your way through the world, you realize you’re still seeing everything through your childhood lens.

Childhood wounds or emotional wounds are those feelings which, when we were kids, repeatedly resulted in pain and still get triggered by others in our adulthood.

The most common childhood wounds include abandonment, rejection, being dismissed, not being appreciated, ignored, and not getting attention.

Your boss doesn’t smile back at you in a meeting and you think you have done some royal mess up at work, your boyfriend doesn’t text you back right away and you start imagining he’s with someone else or worse, met with an accident, your friend says something jokingly and you take it as a personal attack.

You have a knee-jerk reaction to your triggers, your pain is strong, and your emotions are near the surface – like a child, and you deal with your stressors just like you did when you were a kid – resenting, acting out, taking a flight, shutting down, or seeking validation.

Unknowingly, you’re repeating old patterns as you don’t know any better – you were not taught any better.

Research suggests that dysfunctional parenting can leave severe physical and psychological impact on a child that has long-lasting effects, influencing their adult years.

How to not be like your mother? Just avoiding becoming like your toxic mother is not enough, you have to identify your emotional wounds, heal them, and reprogram those childhood perceptions.

Read: How Does Childhood Trauma Affect The Brain And Create Emotional Wounds

How To Not Be Like Your Mother

To stop repeating dysfunctional patterns, now, let’s understand how to not turn into your mother. Here’re some tips to get started:

1. Identify Behavioral Patterns Of Your Mother

If you do not want to turn out to be like your mother, there must be some valid reasons behind this sentiment. What exactly upsets you about her or her parenting style? Is it violence, neglect, or toxic coping habits?

If it’s a vague feeling of dislike or hatred, like a dark cloud that takes up all your mental space, it would be a good idea to sit down with a pen and paper and write down each and every thing about her that you do not wish to emulate.

This will help you recognize red flags, modify your own behavior, and strengthen your resolve. Identifying poor parenting can help you achieve positive parenting skills when you become a parent, yourself.   

2. Genetical History Cannot Be Ignored

Try to find out whether you have a family history of depression, anxiety, alcoholism, ADHD, or psychosis.

Not saying that these necessarily contribute to or justify negative parenting style, but any of these if untreated can lead to behavioral problems that can interfere with a person’s parenting style.

It’s good to be knowledgeable about brain chemistry and aware of any trail of mental health issues in your genetic pool.

Your grandfather’s untreated PTSD or grandmom’s OCD could have become a part of your less than perfect childhood. Take any precaution if needed. 

3. Acknowledge Your Emotional Wounds

What sets you off? What behavior or action of others brings out your “child-reactions”? What are you particularly sensitive to?

Identifying these triggers can help you manage your stressors and behave differently than how your mother had behaved during your formative years.

Talk to the people around you and let them know about your limitations and reactions. Talk to your partner regarding your mother-wound, attachment style, and love language.

It’s not about refusal to change, but letting others know what you need to feel safe – something that you couldn’t do as a kid.

4. Revisit Your Childhood Memories

You need to remember that your sentiment and resolution of not turning into your mom is mainly based on your childhood memories. And those memories can be distorted as they were all from a child’s perspective. They can be incomplete.

While you could see your mom fighting with your dad in front of your eyes, your dad’s problematic behavior such as drinking, gambling, or cheating could have easily gone unnoticed by you.

Your grandparents may have been very doting toward you but you don’t know how they treated your mother – how they criticized her every move and belittled her every chance they got.

Marching ahead without knowing the full story will only lead you to disappointments. You might vow never to argue with your partner in front of your kid, but you will find avoiding difficult conversations can lead to more trust issues and less intimacy. 

5. Draw Boundaries Or Heal Your Bond

Your past can barge in your present and mess with your future, if you don’t give it closure. You will find unhealthy behavioral patterns emerging in your life and relationships, even after you have sworn to make better choices. So, how to not turn into your mother?

Separate your past from your present. If you can, tell your mother what you couldn’t tell her as a child. Tell her how her absence, her criticism, her abuse, or her addiction took away from you the valuable years of your childhood.

If there’s any chance of healing your bond – if she can realize what she has done and make amends, you can consider giving your relationship a second chance.

If nothing has changed, you can limit your contact with your mother. Please know that cutting her off or even limiting your interactions can lead to conflicts, resistance, blame game, or other types of outbursts.

Even if you and your mother are not on talking terms or she is not around or passed away, you can write everything you want to tell her and either burn that paper or write down what you would assume her reply would be and gradually aim for a closure.

6. Work On Your Individuality

How to not be like your mom? Focus on how you navigate your relationships and how you resolve conflicts when they arise. Do you repeat what your mom did or do you choose to make better decisions?

Work on your individuality and see yourself as an unique individual – not an extension of your toxic mother or a byproduct of her parenting.

7. Ask For Help

Talk to someone from your family who can offer highlights into your mom’s behavior. You can also share your challenges with a trusted friend or a partner.

Mental health professionals are trained to help their clients unpack such heavy emotional baggage and formulate a life that’s free from the shadows of their toxic or dysfunctional mother.

You can seek trauma-focused therapy or work with a certified expert to unravel the overwhelming feelings toward your mother.

Professional help will also be useful in case you want to have a conversation with your mom or your family, which you fear can turn tricky.

Read: 10 Signs Of Childhood Trauma: You Had An Unhappy Childhood And The Realization Is Setting In Now!

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. While we strive for accuracy, we do not guarantee the completeness or reliability of the information provided. Readers should always seek guidance from a qualified mental health professional for any concerns regarding their mental well-being.

We know that Mother’s Day can be a very emotional time of the year that can trigger buried childhood wounds. You’re not alone. We hope reading this blog on how to not be like your mother, will help you enjoy your life with more hope, clarity, and power, and less fear. 

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