If the thought of hooking up seems exciting and empowering, or if you’re hooking up and wanting to be in a committed relationship, my hope is that the message in this post helps you think differently.
There’s actually nothing wrong with hooking up.
There’s no shortage of guys to hook up with if that’s what you want. Online sites and apps make it easier than ever to be exposed to a great number of people and to find and be found by them.
There’s actually nothing wrong with hooking up as long as both people are on the same page with the same intentions. But that’s usually not the case. Both may say they’re only looking for something casual, but one may secretly hope things turn into more.
The chances of a hook up turning into more is the exception.
The prelude to hooking up and the act of hooking up can feel empowering. But if you really like the guy you’ve hooked up with and (secretly) want more, the aftermath will leave you at his beck and call, and unhappy about not have the connection/relationship you desire. Ultimately, you’ll be rejected and bad about yourself, and your self-esteem will suffer.
But if you want more, don’t hook up thinking that you’re the exception.
Many women hook up hoping they’re the exception. You’re acting like you’re the exception if you think once he gets to know you, he’ll realize he wants to build a meaningful relationship with you. If this rings true for you, the best thing you can do is to act like the rule.
The rule is this: Hooking up may give you what you want in the moment, but it actually takes you further away from true and lasting love.
If what you want at the moment is to feel close to a guy, you can easily have that feeling because he’ll say the words you want to hear — before and during physical intimacy— making you think he really likes you. Then when having sex, you may feel connected to him. But then reality sets in.
What starts off as a feel-good moment, leads to rarely hearing from him in between the times you get together. Or if you hear from him, your communication stays on the surface. If you long for something meaningful and are hooking up because you haven’t met someone special yet, you’re “in the meantime” stage of love.
Hooking up “in the meantime” takes you further away from the love you desire.
Hooking up in the meantime is never a good approach when you desire a meaningful or committed relationship. Of course, there are exceptions and in this case, an exception is if you’ve just gotten out of a sexless (or bad sex) relationship and want to explore that side of yourself.
But let’s say you’re wanting a meaningful or committed relationship. Here’s why hooking up in the meantime takes you further away from true love. If you’re saying you want to be in a committed relationship and hooking up with a guy, you’re sending mixed signals to the Universe, higher power, God, etc.
And the time and energy you could be spending towards taking action and making choices in favor of what you want are being used towards what you don’t want. This means you’ll keep getting more of what you don’t want — casual connections — instead of what you want — a meaningful connection.
Here’s what to do instead of hooking up, but only if you want more.
When hooking up causes you to be at a guy’s beck and call, it’s time to stop that obsession. When you stop hooking up, you can better focus on what you want.
To get started, create your big vision of love. Then focus on that vision of what you want, take action towards that, and make choices in favor of the love you desire. In doing so, you’ll be moving closer to meeting that special someone.
Written by Originally appeared in Love For Successful Women