Date Nights: How Intentional Dating Can Keep Passion Alive In A Relationship

 / 

,
Date Nights

Many couples tend to lose the spark in their relationships as time passes by, and end up taking each other for granted. If you want to have a passionate, loving, and fulfilling relationship, it is important for both of you to put in efforts to make each other feel special. This valentine special post will tell you how.

The best way to ensure that is by dating and doing date nights just the way you did at the beginning of the relationship, and the passion won’t end.

Date Like You Did in the Beginning and the Passion Won’t End

We are supposed to find love by dating around. All across the globe, different pairs of strangers meet every night at restaurants hoping that the person sitting across from them is “The One.”

Many dates will be awkward enough to signal the server over immediately for the check. Other dates will last for hours. Some couples get lost in the world of sharing their hearts, and when they go on a second and a third date, they put on their best behavior.

The new love birds shop for attractive clothes, exercise more, eat well, and groom themselves. One of them will plan the date by picking the restaurant, the dance class, or making a reservation at a hip speakeasy neither has been to. A lot of work goes into seeing each other again.

Related: How Date Nights Can Protect Your Relationship From A Divorce

And this is something we often forget. Dating is work. It takes an intentional effort. And this effort is created by the desire to impress and please your mate. It is the essence of romance. It is our gestures; the care we put into the way we dress, the places we take our lover, and even the surprises that produce excitement, novelty, and emotional connection.

Date nights are like gasoline to the flames of romance. Yet, 44% of long-lasting couples in America go on one date a year. (1) These couples forget to add wood to the fire to keep the heat burning. And as their relationship goes through time, the fiery passion turns into lonely embers in the night.

“Couples who stop spending a romantic time together lose sexual interest in each other.” – The Normal Bar

The authors of The Normal Bar surveyed 70,0000+ individuals and found that more than 60% of men and women in the United States desire more romance.

Globally speaking, women generally wanted to enhance romance more often than men. But more than one-third of the men said it bothered them a lot that their lover wasn’t more romantic.

When you’re done falling in love, you must learn to stand in love. To wilfully create it. The authors of the Normal Bar propose that Romance is a simple loop that reminds us of this.

“Romance creates desire and desire is expressed romantically.” – The Normal Bar

And romance is created by the desire to be loved by your partner, to impress them, and your desire to love and want them more. This happens in small ways, such as showing admiration for each other and making each other a priority by continuing to court each other.

Whether it is a valentines week or not, dating is so important to long-lasting love that it is two hours out of Dr. Gottman’s Magic Six Hours to Lasting Love. Yes, it’s that big of a deal.

The Ideal Date Night

The vast majority of the Normal Bar couples who are extremely happy intentionally spend alone time together. No kids. No work. Even after partners share a mailbox together, they still “date.”

The research is in: Date night boosts happiness, emotional connection, and intimacy.

Fortunately for you and me, men and women have similar expectations when it comes to the ideal romantic date.

Women want to feel sexy, have a delicious meal at a nice restaurant, drink some wine, and end the evening with some quality love-making at home (or a high-end hotel if there are kids at home). (2)

Men agree.

Men enjoy pleasing their partners by taking them out to dinner at a favorite spot, followed by going somewhere private where they can give and receive full-body sensual massages. Or maybe take a bath that finishes with having sex… “all night long.”

“True love is not a hide and seek game: in true love, both lovers seek each other.” – Michael Bassey Johnson

Throw in some heartfelt surprises such as a love note, more affection, and a serious makeout session, and you have yourself the international recipe for an ideal romantic date. Try this and have a happy valentine’s day!

Related: 40+ Date Night Ideas According To Your Love Language

The 3 Excuses for Why You’re Not Dating Your Spouse

Couples who don’t do date night don’t prioritize their time together. The kids, work, and everything else takes precedence, and their relationship slowly erodes. If you do nothing to improve your relationship will get worse over time.

When asked why they’re not dating, couples come up with three excuses:

1) We don’t have enough time!

No, you just value spending your time on other things than the passion of your relationship. All of us have to make sacrifices by choosing one thing over another.

As Mark Mason puts it, “No, You Can’t Have it All.”

A 75-year study on what makes a good life proves that the way to live a meaningful life is not fame or wealth, but by having meaningful relationships. And meaningful long-lasting relationships are cultivated by two people committing to each other.

Commitment to your partner enables you more freedom because you’re not distracted by looking where the grass is greener. Instead, you are focused on making your current lawn lusciously green. It is this investment in your relationship that allows you to go to the depth that the gold of love is discovered.

2) We don’t have the money for a fancy restaurant or a sitter.

One of my favorite date nights with my partner is getting froyo. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It only has to be with your partner.

If you’re struggling with having the money for a babysitter, get creative! In The Normal Bar, the authors suggest doing “Block Dating,” which means connecting with other families in your neighborhood and rotating who takes care of the little ones. Every other week, you’ll watch their kids so they can spend the evening on a date. It’s a win-win for the whole block because you get your turn too!

“Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off.  It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.” – Unknown

4) We want to do different things.

Of course, you do. You’re different people. Take this opportunity to push each other to do things you normally wouldn’t do. This may require some negotiating.

In Stan Tatkin’s book Wired for Dating, he talks about how his wife Tracey wanted to go to her favorite spot for a drink, while Stan wanted to see a new movie. While Stan is not a fan of just going out for drinks, Tracey prefers to emotionally connect and feels that having a drink together is a perfect way to do that.

So they went to the movie and then talked about it over drinks. While this is a simple example, it shows that your partner’s desire can be an opportunity to learn something new about both of you. It’s your responsibility to find something interesting in the thing you are doing with them, not theirs. Ask questions, explore why they enjoy it and find delight in their joy.

Related: Forget the Listicles: A Happy Relationship Depends on Just One Thing

Image says some people believe dating shouldn't be a casual but a real ideal date. Intentional dating can keep the passion alive in a relationship.

The Skills of Great Dating

Try something new + learn something new about your partner + intentional together time = Great date.

Couples often settle into the relationship and take each other for granted. When fun and novelty fall to the waste side, it can be toxic to a bond. By discovering fun activities that are interesting to both partners, you bring in new and different experiences that spark new levels of intimacy.

Additionally, a great date is built on expressing real curiosity about your partner’s life. Here’s how to do it:

1. “Be Interested, not interesting:”

Everyone wants to feel valued and admired. Your ability to pay attention to the details of your partner’s life does this.

“Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.” – Ted Mosby, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

2. Ask questions:

Remember when you could talk for hours and never got tired of learning new things about each other? This doesn’t have to end. There are always new things to learn. Your partner’s inner world is always changing. You can do this by asking open-ended questions that lead to the heart, such as:

  • What is the secret dream of yours?
  • What and who are the most important things in your life right now?
  • What is your biggest struggle?
  • If you want more ideas, I highly recommend picking up Dr. Gottman’s card deck: Open-Ended Questions. (Hint: you can even bring them on a date! I do.)

3. Focus with all your attention:

Once your partner is talking, truly listen. That means no cell phones or other distractions. Don’t plan on the next thing you’re going to say. I like to imagine a conversation with my partner as getting a tour of her heart. I’m not sure where it’s going to go, and if I see something I’m curious about, I stop and ask my partner about it.

4. Show responsiveness:

It’s helpful to nod or mm-hmm to indicate to your partner that you’re truly listening.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”  – Mignon McLaughlin

Related: 11 Indoor Date Night Ideas That Will Pump Up The Romance

Date Night Ideas

Struggling to come up with date ideas? Here are a few ways to brainstorm:

1) Date Night in a Jar:

Pull up Yelp and Google and search for date ideas in your town. Select ten, write them on a piece of paper, and put them in a jar. Have your partner pull out one – there’s your date!

2) Create a bucket list.

My partner and I did this recently, and every weekend of our summer is packed with dates and fun things with friends.

“Make a Date, Not a Diagnosis”

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. proposes a very simple approach to rekindling the flames of dating. If your partner feels emotionally unavailable, you may have a habit of diagnosing your partner and the relationship. You might accuse your partner of having intimacy issues and blame them for being afraid of getting close to you.

This makes things worse.

Instead of complaining about how you don’t date – plan a date. Such as, “there’s a new steakhouse in town, want to check it out on Friday?”

Before diagnosing your partner’s intimacy issues, try taking steps to create closeness with them to see how they respond.

“Dating is Forever“

The frequency of dates in a relationship is also important. If you only go out a few times a year, The Normal Bar shows that it’s simply not enough for long-lasting relationships. To keep the passion alive in a relationship, dating has to happen often enough to become the norm of the relationship. Once a week, or even twice a month will do wonders, not only for the emotional connection but for the sexual connection as well.

Related: 13 Ways To Keep The Thrill In Your Relationship

Just because you sleep in the same bed every night doesn’t mean dating should end. Make dating a priority. Plan it. Prepare for it. Get excited about it. Think of new places to go, new things to experience, and make romancing your partner a new normal in your relationship. Court and seduce your lover with the same energy you had at the beginning of the relationship, and the fire of passion will continue to burn.

Are you ready for intentional dating and keeping passion alive in a relationship?

With love,
Kyle Benson

1. According to the Normal Bar Study based on surveying 70,0000+ individuals across the globe ↩

2. This insight comes from the Normal Bar’s survey responses. ↩

3. Dr. Gottman in The Art and Science of Lovemaking

Written by Kyle Benson
Originally appeared in Kyle Benson
Date nights and happy relationships
Date Nights And Dating Like The Initial Days
Date Nights pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

10 Riveting Movies About Broken Marriages: How Love Crumbles Over Time

Best Movies About Broken Marriages: How Love Dies

Marriage is supposed to represent love and commitment, but it’s not always a fairy tale. Below are some of the movies about broken marriages that challenge the “happily ever after” stereotype!

Sometimes, things start falling apart — from within or without — and this is frequently caused by different pressures and conflicts.

Broken marriage movies have taken up this subject widely, giving us stories that are sad, or even hopeful around relationships.

Below you’ll find ten such unhappy marriage movies that show how love can breakdown and be turbulent – each films look at human



Up Next

Friendship Marriage: Japan’s Latest Relationship Trend Explained

Friendship Marriage: Japan's Latest Marriage Trend Explained

Friendship marriage is the latest relationship trend taking the world by storm, and it’s got everyone talking. Forget the traditional notions of romance and commitment; these couples are rewriting the rules of marriage and how!

This unique approach has not only got people talking, but it’s also challenging many societal norms when it comes to marriage, romantic relationships, physical intimacy and cohabitation.

So, are you ready to unravel what the friendship marriage in Japan is all about? Let’s go then.

Related: 5 Simple Ways To Strengthen The Friendship In Your Marriage<



Up Next

Should I Start a Family? 10 Reasons That Might Convince You

Should I Start a Family? Reasons That Might Convince You

Two paths are diverging before you at a crossroads. You can either continue with your present life which has the comforts you know so well, or you could choose the other path which goes into the unknown. 

The decision to start a family is one of those big adventures in life that leaves us breathless with awe; it is filled with twists and turns and love upon love.

This article takes you on an exciting journey of decoding parenthood: an adventure that is both daunting and thrilling, and joyous as well as demanding.

Whether it is from the depths of unconditional love or soaring heights of leaving a lasting impact, each reason acts as a lighthouse in this respect.

Therefore, let’s examine these 10 reasons why to start a family!



Up Next

8 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Want To Avoid Marrying The Wrong Person

Marrying The Wrong Person? Important Questions To Ask

Picture this: you’re standing at the altar, surrounded by beaming friends and family, moments away from saying “I do” to the person who you thought was your soulmate and the love of your life. But deep down, you can’t ignore the nagging feeling that something doesn’t feel right. Could it be possible that you’re marrying the wrong person?

The fear of marrying the wrong person lingers in the hearts of many, and it’s a fear worth exploring, because this is your life we are talking about. In this article, we’ll dive into eight essential questions that you should ask yourself before taking that leap into forever.

So, grab a cup of coffee, get comfortable, and let’s unravel how to avoid marrying the wrong person.



Up Next

63 Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Conversation Starters For Deep Dialogues With Your Partner

Why conversation starters? Over time conversations with your partner might begin to feel shallow and focused more on the daily grind than topics that actually matter. This is normal. It’s probably not a dangerous red flag that your relationship is about to end, but it is likely unsatisfying and monotonous.

It’s quite easy to reignite the spark with your partner by enjoying deeper and more meaningful conversations just by becoming more intentional in carving out time to talk.

We all know that communication is key to a healthy relationship, but let’s be honest; talking about what’s for dinner or whose turn it is to walk the dog just won’t cut it.

If you’re yearning for a deeper connection, it’s worth dedicating ten to fifteen minutes a day to one of the most important people in your life.



Up Next

When You Outgrow Love: What Is Grey Divorce And How To Thrive After

What Is Grey Divorce and How to Redefine Your Story

Divorce is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes life happens and you have to do the unimaginable. Grey divorce is one such experience that can feel like an unthinkable decision, yet, you know you just need to take the step. But what is grey divorce?

In life, at a certain stage we may feel that it is absolutely crucial that we start over, not only to survive but also to thrive. It becomes necessary that we step into the unknown regardless how scary or irrational it may sound. And the same goes for a marriage. 

Even if you may have shared a lifetime together and created lasting memories and experiences, a divorce may be the only option left for a happier, healthier and better life. That’s the reality for an increasing number of couples who find themselves in the realm of “grey divorce.” 



Up Next

What Does Being Submissive Mean? 9 Warning Signs You Might Be A Meek, Submissive Woman

What Does Being Submissive Mean? Signs Of A Meek Woman

Ever wondered, “What does being submissive mean?” Well, let’s put it this way: it’s like constantly being in the backseat of your life’s car, letting others take the wheel while you navigate the road of existence.

For example, meet Jess. She’s that friend who’s always putting everyone else’s happiness and needs before her own, and she often finds herself getting involved in abusive and unhealthy relationships.

If you relate to Jess and the ways she lives life, then you might be in for a very rude reality check. Because this points to the realm of female submissiveness. Stick around as we uncover nine warning signs that scream, “Hey, you might be more like Jess than you think!”

Related: