Couples who describe their relationships as happy, healthy, or successful don’t just get lucky. Nor do they keep a mantra of all the things the listicles tell them to do or not do.
Partners in happy relationships share an intent to have a strong relationship and they follow through that intention with their words and actions.
Beginning. Middle. End. That’s it– A shared intention or vision for the relationship and a commitment to making it happen together.
Where many people get stuck, and the thing that has people clamoring to read those 10 thing listicles, is that they aren’t sure how to move their shared intention into action. It’s likely that they are hoping for an easy fix. Couples in solid relationships know it isn’t easy but this is how they do it:
Happy Couples Move through the World with an Awareness of the Other Person.
Partners in healthy relationships know that everyone comes to the table with needs and expectations. Those needs are known and respected, rather than argued, questioned or minimized. Partners move through the world with the awareness of what the other needs and they work to meet those needs when possible.
Since we began dating, my husband has always been the one who has needed more check-ins when we’re apart. He likes a quick phone call or text when I am out and about. Me—not so much. I’d prefer to catch up at the end of the day over dinner. However, he is a child of divorce and many times when he’d show up to his dad’s house for their weekend visit, his dad would have forgotten that it was his weekend and that my husband was coming over. The sting from that childhood wound has created sensitivity for my husband where he feels like he’s out of the mind of out of my sight.
I could argue and belabor the point. I could call him “controlling” but I don’t. While I wish he didn’t have this insecurity, he does. I do my best to respect it and keep in touch because I don’t want him to feel forgotten about. I want him to know that his soft spots and vulnerabilities will be carefully kept with me.
Successful Couples Make Quality Time Together Non-Negotiable.
When couples commit to having healthy relationships, there’s no such thing as “We gave up time together when we chose to have kids.” Those in strong relationships don’t allow work to become an excuse for lost time together, either. Rather, couples committed to caring for their relationship respect the obstacles and work to create moments or pockets of time for just them, even if a whole night uninterrupted is unrealistic.
This might mean that they set the alarm fifteen minutes early so they can have coffee before the kids wake-up. It might mean that one visits the other at work for a cup of coffee. They might decide to decline a social invite so they can spend time together.
Couples who plan on staying together know that time together is important and they don’t just give it away mindlessly. They recognize that life gets in the way and they may not have a lot of time together but they make the time they do have count.
Partners in Successful Relationships Know the Rules Apply to Them, Too.
Outside of our homes, when someone does something nice for us, we say “thank you”. When we need a favor, we say “please”. When we’ve been crabby for no reason, we apologize. Couples who are committed to making it work know that those same rules apply in their relationships, too—that they or their partners are not the exceptions to that rule.
Just because your partner knows “you don’t mean it” doesn’t mean you get to say it. Couples planning on being together for the long haul know this. They treat their partners with the same common courtesies that we extend to strangers. Even if “they should be doing the dishes”, a simple thank you is often extended. Appreciation is said out loud so that partners feel seen and heard.
Physical Attention and Affection is Not Placed on the Back Burner.
Many people have written about how regular and consistent sex is important in relationships. We know, too, how hard that can be for long-term couples to navigate and negotiate. It’s a sensitive topic that has to be respected and carefully kept. Successful couples don’t have an easier time navigating this than anyone else. However, they are not put off by the challenge and they commit to keeping talking about it.
Dry spells happen. Couples can have differing sex drives. Kids, work, stress, and health can all be factors that get in the way of regular and consistent affection and attention. The couples who are happier are the ones who don’t accept this as the answer but just keep working on it.
They give one another hugs. They still kiss. They sit close on the couch. They hold hands. They touch inside and outside of the bedroom to maintain that connection when the sex is good and when it’s absent.