Are you truly willing to be awake in your relationship?
A lot of people like to pay lip service to the idea of being in a ‘conscious relationship’… but when push comes to shove, they aren’t interested in truly doing their work.
It’s easy to hide behind the guise of being woke as fuck, but walking the walk is a whole other ballgame.
First off, if you’re new to this whole concept of being awake in your relationship, let me break it down for you.
Relationships aren’t meant to make you happy. They’re meant to wake you up.
If you expect your relationship to make you happy as a person, that’s also known as codependency and you’re eventually headed for a rude awakening. If you base your life’s fulfillment on a person (or money, or fame, or your achievements) when that isn’t complemented with you honoring your core values, then the gig will eventually be up and you’ll realize that you need something deeper to sustain you.
An intimate relationship with someone who is a good fit for you is like nature’s most effective form of therapy (that results in healing and spiritual growth).
Sure, on the surface, you are lovers. But deep down, you are also each other’s enemies. Enemies to each other’s egos. Enemies to each other’s desire to play small in the world. Enemies to the parts that want to self-sabotage. Enemies to the parts of each other that can be nasty, self-rejecting, and inconsiderate.
To explain the gap between going through the motions in your love life and being awake in your love life, here are some examples of what each modus operandi looks like.
Being asleep/unconscious in your relationship:
– Telling your partner that they make you feel a certain way (making someone else responsible for your emotional state).
– Disowning your power/anger/sadness/any emotion, and having your partner act it out on your behalf for the both of you (aka displacement).
– Being unwilling to look into why you feel jealous/sad/angry/resentful and going through the motions as if nothing is wrong for you.
– Covertly trying to manipulate your partner into meeting your needs without you ever naming them.
– Listening to your partner and always believing their words at face value when they are upset.
– Being quick to take things personally and make everything about you.
– Saying yes when you really mean no.
– Becoming grumpy/grouchy/childish when your partner says no.
– Seeing yourself as a victim in your relationship as the one who tries really hard but always gets the short end of the stick.
– Seeing yourself as the only one who truly invests any real love or energy into your partnership.
– Expecting that your partner owes you sex just because they’re in a relationship with you.
– Pretending that you’re content with your sex life when you aren’t.
Being awake/conscious in your relationship:
– Asking for your needs to be met, by naming them directly and being unattached to the outcome.
– Nudging into your partner’s resistance when they tell you they’re fine when you can tell that they’re hurting.
– Becoming curious when you feel a challenging emotion (sadness, jealousy, anger, etc.) and having a desire to discover the real root issue of what is coming up for you.
– Naming your emotional and sexual needs with clarity.
– Making sex, and you and your partner’s pleasure, a priority.
– Understanding that both you and your partner are each other’s best bullshit detectors and that you should use each other as such (to reality-test fears and assumptions you both will sometimes carry).
– Being willing to get some of your social and emotional needs met outside of your intimate relationship (i.e. having friends and hobbies/not expecting that one person should meet all of your needs flawlessly).
– Being willing to take full responsibility for your part in miscommunications that lead into arguments.