Not All Abuse Is Physical: Why Inner Damage Is More Devastating Than Bruises And Broken Bones

 / 

, ,
Not All Abuse Is Physical: Devastating Stories

Not all abuse is physical some scars are deep within. In this article let’s delve into why emotional abuse can be more enduring than physical injuries

Many people aren’t actually aware of what emotional abuse actually entails or are under the misconception that it isn’t as serious as physical abuse. Physical abuse can be damaging and escalates to be very painful on one’s part, but the truth is mental abuse will leave you in a state of loss of self, which is much more damaging than bruises.

Abuse holds so much more sadness and hurt than the wounds that occur due to shoves, slaps, or physical blows. You may see yourself or someone you love in these stories. And it can be so very painful to live through or watch someone you love to be in denial or try to hide what’s happening.

The stories… Not all abuse is physical

Debbie

Debbie sat, quietly crying in my office, “I don’t think I should’ve left. The boys miss him. They blame me for the divorce.”

She’d been the wife of a very popular and well-liked coach…and a victim of constant, pounding verbal and emotional abuse.

It had been a little over two years since Debbie’s chaotic divorce. She and her two boys were living in a garage apartment behind her parents’ home. Her ex made noise about wanting the children but had not fought for custody.

When they met to exchange the boys, he barely spoke to her as he greeted the kids with hugs. She was working full-time at a small insurance agency, whereas before she’d only worked part-time. He’d gotten on Match and Tinder even before the divorce was final and now his Facebook account was full of pictures of his arm around a new woman.

Debbie was lonely, she had gained weight. She was fighting off depression. She tearfully wondered, “Maybe it wasn’t all that bad. It’s not like he hit me.”

Related: The 3 Different Types of Emotional Abuse

Todd

Todd was a man in his early 50’s who worked in administration at the local University. He was a quiet guy, gentle in his demeanor. He’d been married for over 30 years.

We married young and I loved her so much; I still do in a way. I don’t want to leave – we’ve been through so much with the kids and we’ve done a decent job. But I get so tired of her screaming at me. I do everything wrong. She has to be in control. I don’t know what’s happened to her over the years. I get mad back sometimes, but it does no good.”

He looked up, a little ashamed, “One time she slapped me.”

Abby

Not all abuse is physical
Abuse Is Not Just Physical

Abby was a well-put-together woman in her early 40’s. A junior executive at a huge corporation, she was a rising star. She’d recently separated from her husband and was getting a divorce. They had no children.

She was outfitting her own apartment, something she’d never done, as she moved straight from her parents’ home into one with her husband.

One day she went to Pier One to buy pillows, “I got in the store, and realized I had no clue what I liked anymore; I bought all three colors because I couldn’t choose. For ten years, I’ve been told that my taste was terrible. He wouldn’t like what clothes I had on and would make me change outfits until he approved. He often said what I cooked wasn’t worth eating and would throw food at me. If I did shop and find something that I liked, when I brought it home he would talk badly about it, and usually would make me take it back. I gave up trusting myself.”

‘He didn’t hit me, but he would hold my arm behind my back or push me up against a wall. He would get in my face and mock me when I would try to get away.”

And then slowly, with a new look of sadness in her eyes, “He would make me have sex when I didn’t want to. I’d just lie there until it was over.”

Emotional and sexual abuse don’t leave bruises or broken bones. But the damage is very real.

There are far too many people who are far too aware of violence at home, every day of their lives. And there are sometimes children, who are watching the screaming and contempt; they are learning by the actions of those around them. Yet sometimes, emotional abuse is harder to understand. Here’s what happened in therapy – when Debbie, Todd, and Abby were my own patients.

The treatment…

I asked Debbie to invite her girlfriends over for a night when the kids were gone. Her assignment? To ask them what they remembered about the abusive events that had actually gone on behind closed doors. She returned with a four-page list, and tears of recognition and relief, “I’d forgotten so much of this. I needed to forget at the time- but now, I also need to remember.”

She needed to grieve. First – that her marriage had ended and it would take time for her children to adjust. Second – that her ex might not be capable of, or ever want to get, emotional closure with her, so they could parent well together. And then, she needed to choose how to better care for herself.

Related: 20 Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

Todd’s work was to learn to respond (and not react) to the deep insecurity and emotional instability his wife apparently was suffering, which can surface as a rigid need for control. He needed to assert himself more and draw boundaries about what was acceptable. Both had become demoralized, trying to keep their now-adult children away from drugs. The kids were finally getting their act together, but it had been extremely rough going.

So we worked on building more of a life for the two of them, while at the same time, he needed to look more closely at the option of leaving if indeed, she was unable or unwilling to change along with him.

Abby? Her first assignment was to decide what color pillow she liked and take the rest back.

The grieving she faced was immense. She worked on letting go of many demeaning messages that she’d absorbed, while also rediscovering her own sense of self and value. Moreover, we spent a lot of time working through the sexual abuse that occurred within her marriage. This can be tough because often it is shrouded in confusion and secrecy. Abby was at times unsure whether she should even call it “abuse.”

Let’s be clear. Having sex as a gift? Maybe you’re not quite in the mood, but you do it anyway because you love your partner, and bringing them pleasure is something you want to do? That’s fine.

But being forced? That’s sexual abuse.

Some of you who are reading this are in relationships just like the above. I have a recent podcast on what’s termed trauma bonds and how they are very difficult to leave. And a post on my own experience of how difficult it is to leave, which I invite you to read as well. You can get help, and sometimes the relationship can get better.

Sometimes it cannot.

Please talk to someone who will not judge, but can offer support and an objective perspective. Abuse is not just about slapping someone around and being physically violent; the inner damage caused by abuse can sometimes be much worse and painful. The inner mental, emotional trauma left behind by abuse is sometimes harder to move on from.


Written By Dr. Margaret Rutherford 
Originally Appeared In Dr. Margaret Rutherford
Abuse Leave Bruises Broken Bones pin
Not All Abuse Is Physical: Why Inner Damage Is More Devastating
Abuse Doesnt Always Leave Bruises Pin
Abuse Is Not Always Physical – Inner Damage
not all abuse is physical
Not All Abuse Is Physical: Why Inner Damage Is More Devastating Than Bruises And Broken Bones

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

Are Adult Temper Tantrums Dangerous? Recognizing and Addressing the Risks

Are Adult Temper Tantrums Dangerous? Understanding The Risks

Adult temper tantrums can be really unpredictable and you never know which direction they might take. This article is going to discuss the dangers of temper tantrums in adults, so that you know how to protect yourself.

KEY POINTS

Adult temper tantrums are not necessarily physical but can still hurt a partner.

Adult temper tantrums can easily slip into domestic abuse.

Adult temper tantrums are destructive for the person having them and those they are directed against.

Some children have temper tantrums in response to unmet needs or desires. Tantrums are especially comm



Up Next

Spotting Emotional Neglect In Childhood: 8 Important Clues

Spotting Emotional Neglect In Childhood: Important Clues

Anyone who has been through emotional neglect in childhood knows that it never leaves you; it haunts you for the rest of your life. It’s like an invisible wound, that may not leave invisible scars, but it can shape you in ways you might not even notice.

Maybe it was the feeling that something’s missing from your childhood, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Well you are not alone. Many people experience emotional neglect without even realizing it.

Today we are going to talk about the impact of emotional neglect in childhood, and what are the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect in adults. This isn’t just another list – it’s a chance to understand yourself and your emotions better.

R



Up Next

Romantic Manipulation: 10 Subtle Phrases To Watch Out For

Romantic Manipulation: Sneaky Phrases That Signal Trouble

Romantic manipulation is sneaky, and it can creep into a relationships without either person fully realizing it. We have all heard those phrases that sound sweet or caring but leaves a bitter aftertaste, making us second-guess our feelings.

Manipulative partners often have a way with words, twisting them to control or belittle. So, are you curious to know the signs of romantic manipulation, and the things manipulative partners say?

Whether you’re navigating your own love life, or just looking out for your friends, this article will help you spot the subtle signs of emotional trickery. So, are you ready to dive in?

Related:



Up Next

Flying Monkeys: The Narcissist’s Secret Weapons

Flying Monkeys: The Narcissist’s Secret Weapons

Have you ever heard of the term “flying monkeys” or “flying monkeys of the narcissist”? Who are they and what do they do exactly? This article is going to explore everything about who flying monkeys are and what role they play in narcissistic abuse.

‘Flying Monkey’ is the term given to those agents and allies that collude with an abusive person. Their role is to continue carrying out tormenting the victim on their behalf.

If it’s during the relationship, the abuser gets to abuse by proxy as it’s other people that are getting their hands dirty.

If it’s after the relationship has ended or you’ve left that job or left that area, it’s a way of perpetuating the abuse. Again though, the abusers hands are clean as others are doing the work for them.

<



Up Next

4 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Leader

Warning Signs Of A Toxic Leader

Have you ever worked with a toxic boss or toxic leader? If you have, then you know how horrible and malicious they really are, and if you haven’t, then read on to know the signs of a toxic leader so that it’s easier for you to understand what you are dealing with.

KEY POINTS

Poor, toxic leaders demand unquestioning loyalty and service to the leader.

Bad leaders rule by a sense of fear, both of outsiders and of the leader’s wrath.

Good leadership empowers followers, shows concern for them, and benefits the collective.

All too often, people fall prey to self-serving



Up Next

Eggshell Parenting Meaning: 5 Signs You’re Making These Mistakes!

Eggshell Parenting: Signs You're Making These Mistakes!

Parenting is one of the most sincere tasks in every individual’s life that should be done with utmost care and coherence. However, the relationship between parents and their children is often tampered by the mental, and behavioral issues of the parents.

Thus, mood disorders and the violent nature of parents can affect the child’s life. Eggshell parenting is one such consequence. In this blog, we will guide you to understand eggshell parenting and show you the risky spots you should avoid.

What is Eggshell Parenting?  



Up Next

Top 6 Most Notorious Serial Killers In History and Their Psychology Unleashed

Top Most Notorious Serial Killers In History

Some of the most horrifying and notorious murder cases in criminal history are those in which the most notorious serial killers caused irreversible harm to society by their horrific deeds. Motivated by an intricate network of psychological, social, and frequently pathological elements, these infamous persons have perpetrated atrocities that persistently enthral and appal the public.

Every instance sheds light on the dark psychology of serial killers, from Ed Gein’s horrific acts to Ted Bundy’s deliberate and planned killings. Investigating these sinister tales reveals not only the specifics of their heinous deeds but also the patterns and reasons behind them, providing insights into one of the most ghastly aspects of human nature.

6 Most Notorious Serial Killers In History