Why Do Narcissists Abuse Those They Love?

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Why Do Narcissists Abuse Those They Love? How to understand and predict narcissistic abuse.
By Dr. Elinor Greenberg

One of the most difficult things to understand in life is how someone who professes to love you can then go on toย abuseย you.

People feel traumatized and confused after aย romantic relationship with an abusiveย narcissisticย partner ends. They wonder,ย  โ€œWe were so in love, yet he went from telling me that I was the love of his life to treating me like garbage. He cheated on me.ย He devalued me.ย He embarrassed me in front of our friends.ย How can I trustย anyoneย again, if I so badly misjudged this person?โ€

Anyone who has been abused by a narcissistic partner may wonder how they could have made such a big mistake โ€” and how they can avoid making it again in the future.

The good news is that most people withย Narcissistic Personality Disorderย are very predictable.ย They tend to follow the same relationship pattern again and again.

And, contrary to common perceptions about narcissists, most are not especially devious.ย Narcissists continually signal that they are narcissists. You can learn to recognize the early signs that a new partner is a narcissist by paying close attention to how they behave toward you at each stage of your relationship. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue.

Why Are Narcissists Prone to Being Abusive?

When people have a Narcissisticย Personality Disorder, two things interact to predispose them to be abusive:

1. They are low on emotionalย empathy.

Emotional empathyย is the capacity to feel what another person is feeling (or what you imagineย the person is feeling).

Having emotional empathy decreases the likelihood that you will want to hurt others because you will literally feel some of their pain.ย Without emotional empathy, you have lessย motivationย to pay attention to the pain that your words and actions cause a partner.

Narcissists can have โ€œintellectual empathyโ€ without emotional empathy.ย Intellectual empathyย is the ability to cognitivelyย understandย that you are causing another person pain.

It requires that you stop and think about what the other person might feel in response to your actions. Narcissists, therefore, can understand that they may be causing someone pain, but they have less motivation to care because they are not feeling anything negative themselves.

Related: How The 3 Types of Narcissists Act on a First Date

2. They lack โ€œwhole object relationsโ€ and โ€œobject constancy.โ€

One of the main reasons why narcissists abuse those they love is that they lackย whole object relationsย andย object constancy.

Briefly defined: โ€œWhole object relations is the capacity to see oneself and other people in an integrated and realistic way as having a mix of good and bad qualities, some that you like and others that you dislike.โ€

If you have whole object relations, you can accept that someone is not perfect and still value that person for the positive qualities he or she has.ย โ€œObject constancyโ€ is the ability to maintain your positive emotional connection to someone whom you care about while you are feeling angry, frustrated, disappointed, or hurt by that person.

Object constancy helps you rein in your impulses to hurt someone during a fight. Lacking it makes people more willing to emotionally and physically damage their mate.

ย ย ย ย ย [NOTE:ย Not all people with Narcissisticย Personalityย Disorder are equally abusive. Narcissists range from those who put you on a pedestal and then verbally devalue you when they realize you are not the perfect being that they expected you to be, to people who physically abuse their mates and try and control their every move โ€” who they can see, what they can spend money on, how often they can speak to their family, etc.]

The Three Stages of the Narcissistic Relationship Abuse Pattern

Although there are narcissists who are โ€œplayersโ€ and not looking for a serious, long-term relationship, many with narcissistic disorders do want to settle down and get married. Unfortunately, because they lack whole object relations, they tend to be unrealistic about what they expect in a mate.

They perceive two categories:ย perfect and flawed.

Perfectย = You are pleasing me right now.

Flawed = You are doing something that I do not like right now.

As a result, instead of finding the perfect relationship that they crave, narcissists end up repeating what I call the Narcissist Relationship Abuse Pattern.

Each stage has its own form of narcissistic abuse that you can learn to spot.

STAGE 1: Chasing the Unicorn

In the beginning, you seem to like that rarest of imaginary creatures, the unicorn. They love everything about you; even your flaws seem like endearing idiosyncrasies.

Narcissists are extremists with no middle ground. When they first find you attractive, they are likely to idealize you and believe that you are the perfect mate for them.

At last, they have found someone who will never disappoint them. They give chase and pursue you with attention, gifts, texts, flattery, and anything else they think will help prove their total devotion.

In this stage, while you are slightly out of reach, and they have not yet sealed the deal, they are totally focused on convincing you to give them a chance to prove their love.

Some narcissists just repeat the โ€œChase Stageโ€ over and over with different people, because they really do not know how to have an actual relationship with someone they have โ€œcaught.โ€

Related: Why Empaths Attract Abusive People And How To Stop It.

Abuse Pattern

After spending an enormous amount of time, energy, and sometimes money trying to convince you of their devotion, your pursuer immediately loses interest in you once you stop running. You are left feeling disappointed and bewildered that this person who said he wanted you so much has now โ€œghostedโ€ you, and will not even answer your texts.

Predictors of Abuse

1) The over-the-topย natureย of their chase is a signal that they are unrealistic.

Unlike most people, who want to gradually get to know a person before they make commitments about the future, narcissists may try to engage you in planning your future together after your first date.

They may start talking about all the places that they want to take you on vacation, or even how many children the two of you could have together and where they should go to school.

2) They worship the ground that you walk on.

This may sound like a good sign, but itโ€™s not: What goes up, must come down.ย This degree of idealization is actually a sign that they are not seeing the real you at all.

Instead, they are simply projecting a fantasy onto you.ย The real you is not perfect and is certainly unlikely to fit every item on their wish list.

Once they discover that you are not exactly like their fantasy, they may be resentful and disappointed.ย If you are lucky, they will simply disappear from your life at this point.

3) All their former lovers ended up disappointing them.

However, they describe their former lovers and mates is how they are likely to eventually describe you. If they are perpetually disappointed in people, it says more about them than about those people.

If you ask why their previous relationships did not work out, and they tell you that they found outย their lovers were very different than they first seemed, this is a sign that you too will be described that way one day.

Related: The Aftermath Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

STAGE 2:ย  The Construction Project

Once you are โ€œcaught,โ€ narcissistic lovers start to relax and enjoy your company. Now that they have time to take a good look at you, they slowly begin to notice little things about you that they think detract from your perfection.

Your idiosyncrasies no longer seem so adorable; now they are flaws. At this point that you can start to recognize the signs that this person may be a narcissist.

Abuse Pattern

Narcissistic lovers start suggesting ways that you should change โ€œfor your own goodโ€: โ€œIf only you would do your hair differently/work out more/wear sexier (or less sexy) clothing, you would be even better. Donโ€™t you want to be better?โ€ โ€œDonโ€™t you want to please me?โ€ Think of this stage as โ€œThe Construction Project,โ€ because they keep suggesting ways to renovate you.

Predictorย of Abuse

Howย they deal with their disappointment andย react to your โ€œno.โ€ย Many people discover that a new lover is not as perfect as they first believed and are disappointed; this is quite normal.

What differentiates normal disappointment from narcissistic disappointment is how they react to you saying โ€œnoโ€ to their suggestions.

Normal Disappointment:

They would love you to make slight changes to please them, but if you really donโ€™t want to, they can accept that without devaluing you or losing interest in you.ย They may occasionally bring up the topic again, but they more or less gracefully make peace with the idea that you will not give them everything that they want.ย They also accept that you are a separate person and have a right to your own ideas.

Narcissistic Disappointment:ย 

They cannot understand why you would want to stay the way you are. When you resist their suggestions, they feel insulted โ€” as ifย you have criticizedย them, not the other way around.ย They become angry, want toย punish you, and may begin to get nasty.

They start picking fights with you about every little thing you do that they do not like. The ratio of compliments to devaluing comments shifts.ย You find yourself starting to wonder: โ€œWhat happened to the person I fell in love with?โ€

Related: 8 Things To Expect When You Break Up With A Narcissist

STAGE 3:ย  Devaluation

Abuse Pattern

One day, you wake up and realize that the compliments have stopped, and all you are hearing is criticism.

Predictors of Abuse

The criticisms are no longer phrased politely as suggestions.ย They are outright insults: โ€œYou look like a clown in that.โ€ โ€œI hate thatย scentย you are wearing. When did you become such an old man?โ€ Eventually, the insults go public.ย One day, you are out with friends, and your beloved not only starts criticizing you in front of them butย to themย in front of you.

The verbal abuse escalates until it is the main way your partner speaks to you. Your wishes are ignored, and you are treated cruelly.

The fights escalate into screaming matches, and you find yourself yelling or crying hysterically.ย You may be physically abused in some other way as well; unless you can find a way to put a stop to it, this will become your life.


Written byย Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D.

This article originally appeared on Psychology Today and has been reprinted here with the authorโ€™s permission

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