The three visceral needs you long to fulfill, determines the quality of your relationship. Are you meeting these needs of your partner?
Some of the basics needs you require to be met with the people youโre in a relationship withย are the need for inclusion, for control and for affection.
You mightย immediately disagree with one or more of those three. Why?ย You may argue you are not a person who desires or even cares toย have control or affection in your life. You may even protest you donโt need to be included in anything.
I can understand when someone has had some negative experiences in the past. Those experiences then help to shape how a person would view these three needs.
Despite the fact youโve enduredย negativeย experiences, it doesnโt mean deep down within you, a desire for you, or your partner to have these needs met doesnโt exist. We are human beings who were created for relationships and within relationships, assessments and conclusions are made.
Most times, these assessments and conclusions have been based upon an isolated event. Someone said something unkind. You feel as if you and your ideas wereย ignored or dismissed.
Whatever the basis for your conclusions, the fact remains, at an elemental level, we have a yearningย to satisfy all three needs. This is not to say there arenโt other needs, because we know there are.
The need for security, safety, shelter, food, and so on, are relevant needs, but the needs to which I refer are also as important as our more visceral needs because they determine the quality and quantity of our relationships.
Related: 5 Things Apart From Love That A Relationship Needs To Survive
Are you meeting these three needs of your partners?
1. The Need For Inclusion
This need represents our desire to belong, to be involved and accepted.
Some people have a greater need to fill this longingย than others. Their value rises and falls on this need. When they donโt feel included, they think something is wrong with them and will resort to any behaviorย to be included.
When this need is not met, not only might they think something is wrong with them, but they may withdraw from others and become a loner. They will conclude, they donโt need anyone and seek to do life on their own. These types of reactions, when left unmonitored, could lead to mental and emotional instability.
A person may also try to be noticed as they engage in unsafe and unhealthy behaviors because they want so badly to be includedโso theyโll do whatever it takes. Trying to impress, manipulate situations and people, they will exaggerate and even resort to seductive behaviors. If your SO acts in this manner, ask yourself,ย what can I do to make them feel more included?
2. The Need For Control
This need refers to feelings of competency, confidence and the freedom to make our own decisions.
Youโll see this when someone wants to be the โleader.โ In relationships, they must have the final say. Theyโll do anything for this position. Theyโll war for it if pushed far enough.
On the other hand, someone may not have such a strong desire but will seek to undermine what is being done. This is a method of control, too. In a case involving a husband and wife, she may use sex to control. He may use money. Or vice versa.
Regardless of who wields what weapon, at heart is theย need for control. What roles does your partner play in your relationship?ย Ask yourself,ย do we share the decision-making?
3. The Need For Affection
This need reflects our desire to be liked by others.
Those who have a strong need hereโand please note, not everyone doesโseek close relationships and expressions of warmth from others.
Those with a strong need want to be liked by others. This described me at one point.ย I found myself bending over backwards so I could feel liked. While I still do desire to be liked, I do not feel the need for it as I once did.
When affection needs are not met, people will become uncomfortable being around others, and like the need for inclusion, withdraw. They may appear aloof and uninvolved. When asked about their โnewโ behavior, they will rarely share their honest feelings or opinions.
On the flip side, some who have this strong need may resort to inappropriate behaviors. They may become too talkative, too personal and too confiding. They will use this approach, seeking to โpurchaseโ affection. Do you take the time to reach out to your partner for no reason, to tell them they are loved and appreciated?
Related: Why You Need To Accept Your Partnerโs Needs
Ask yourself,ย When my partner acts aloof, are they lacking affection from me?
Which of these three resonates with you? What do you do when you donโt get that need met? How does your partner react?
Understanding how unmet needs turn into undesirable behaviors helps you to better understand your partner. When you know what your partner hungers for, you can serve them easily and avoid miscommunication.
Think about this and talk to someone who could help you sort through these emotions if you feel compelled. If not, please take these suggestions into your relationships and witness the emotional rewards.
Written by Kingsley Grant Originally appeared in The Good Men Project
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