If you’ve been following my work for a while you know a lot about me, I am very open about the traumatic narcissistic relationships I endured. But today I take it a bit further and I go deeper into the depths of destruction I was pushed to by these terribly damaging people.
Truly, it almost killed me!
Just like you, I was attacked mercilessly. I was dealt low blows, shocking accusations and the insults came thick and fast. Then it got even worse. You’ve been there too so you know exactly what I’m talking about.
And all the while I still tried insistently to “fix” them.
I urge you to watch this video because within it I grant you key takeaways that can shine a huge, big light on why you’ve been trying to fix somebody, the true reasons it hasn’t worked, and how you can generate real healthy, safe relationships in your future.
I just want to remind you that my upcoming signature 10-week healing Bootcamp, for getting out of the pain of narcissistic abuse and onto the path of Thriving, is coming up soon.
If you’d like to work with me hands-on, up close and personal from the comfort of your own home with powerful information and life-changing Quanta Freedom Healing sessions that are powerful beyond measure, then go to melanietoniaevans.com/thrive.
Spots are limited, and we’re expecting this to sell out soon. The first one did really quickly. This is number two.
Today I want to share with you my story, my humble story about trying to fix the narcissist because I really tried to. I really want you to know that this episode is for any narcissist in your life, not just a love partner – it could be your family member, or even your child … any narcissist at all.
Related: An Open Letter To All The Female Narcissists And Manipulators
My Story
So about me. Like so many of us, I have compassion and empathy and I want to make a difference in other people’s lives. I mean, that’s the life mission that I do now. I have the type of personality that, in my past, I was absolutely naturally drawn to people with issues and then would try to help them.
I used to take in the lame and broken birds on an animal level and also a human level, so it’s really not surprising that even before what I do now, I was a personal coach and a healer for years.
I know so many of you are healers, teachers, caregivers, and people who work in those kinds of industries, or you’re just the go-to person in your social group or your family. You’re empaths as well, and usually, people who are abused by narcissists are really lovely people.
When the narcissist came into my life, I really thought he was my perfect partner. He seemed to be everything I’d always wanted and of course, that’s what I wanted to believe. I projected how wonderful he was onto him.
This is key, and I really want you to park this thought and remember it – I needed him to be loving, honest, kind, attentive, generous, and benevolent – which was the picture that I had of him.
Now of course, with a narcissist in your life, any narcissist, you soon discover, or overtime as I did, that he was in fact capable of being incredibly cruel, dishonest, abusive, and he was capable of devastating behavior.
Here is the kicker, it’s what I did, and it’s what we all do – we decide we need to change them back to the version that we need them to be. In order to do that, we try so hard to wake them up and fix them. There’s a lot to try to fix.
Like so many of us, I suffered the unthinkable. The insults, name-calling, extreme jealousies, violent behaviors, pathological lies, and even criminal behavior against me and others. And I stayed. I was lecturing, I was prescribing. I was trying to fix him and teach him and direct him toward having a conscience, changing his ways, trying to develop his character into humanity and integrity.
I want you to ask yourself, have you been doing this? Have you caught yourself going over and over fundamental points of decency that a five-year-old should naturally understand?
Whilst I did that with him, I was attacked mercilessly, just as you’ve been. Whilst I was trying to get him to see the error of his ways I experienced the twists, the turns, the snarling defenses, the low blows, the attacks, the shocking accusations, and insults came thick and fast.
Then there was the stonewalling, the silent treatments, the abandonment episodes, where he would leave and be non-contactable for hours on end, or even longer.
He would do things that were so out of bounds, it made my head spin, and I was thinking, how does he think he can treat me like this and get away with it and think I’m going to stay with him? Yet I did. I always did.
He even set me up and called the police on me. He hit me. He stole money out of my accounts. He twisted people and authorities against me horrifically, and it was so bad I ended up suicidal. I lost my mind and I became so sick that I almost lost my life.
I was fighting a battle that I was never going to win, and experience after experience showed me that. Yet, for some reason, which we’re going to talk about in a moment, I couldn’t at the time stop myself from doing it.
Why We Try To Fix Others And Why It Doesn’t Work
When we’re stuck in the construct of, “It’s my duty to fix this person”, we’re not seeing the truth. And this was the real truth – I believed I needed him to be the version of him I wanted for me to have a happy, fulfilling, loving, and functional life.
I promise you that it’s the same for all of us. You have made the narcissist in your life – that you’re trying to fix – the source of yourself and this means you are handing all of your power away.
Now, I want you to say this statement with me, let’s say this following statement together because it’s going to help you understand what I’m telling you.
Here’s the statement, “When I try to make you kind, caring, truthful and loving so that I can be safe, I’ve handed all of my power to you.”
Now, I just want you to stop and I want you to feel that statement in your body. Do you feel out of your body? Do you feel like you’ve handed your power away? Do you feel like you’re not anchored in your body taking back your power and truth and able to generate it for real?
If I was to say to you, “Mary or John, my day is rubbish until you change what you’re doing to me.” Then my entire emotional life lies in your hands. I have no control over it.
So what I want you to do, I want you to really just grasp this last bit that we went over, and I want you to write in the comments below how that statement felt in your body.
Now let me share with you the real Quantum reason why trying to fix somebody will never work. In fact, it only brings more distress, abuse, and devastation. This relates to the baseline Quantum Law that I talk about all the time – so within, so without.
Let me explain. Your life is generating from you inside of you. You are always choosing more of you and generating more of you even though often, especially before Thriver healing, it’s deeply unconscious that this is what’s happening.
So whenever you’re trying to fix somebody else in order for you to feel better and be loved and feel safe, this equals how to lose, because really on the inside you are feeling unloved, unsafe, and distressed. Therefore any attempt you try to make to change somebody else out there when you’re like this in here is not going to grant you an improvement of what is really going on inside of you. In fact, it will only bring you an amplification of what is going on inside of you.
When battling the narcissist, I had no idea that that was going on until I turned inwards, healed on the inside, and understood how to be my own Source and then generate more of that. I promise you, that you can get to this level too.
A battle with a narcissist is a spiritual war of the highest order. It’s a psychological war, it’s an emotional war. It’s a war for your Soul and spirit. If you feel empty and broken and not whole, the narcissist will smash all of these parts of you up to the surface. The narcissist is not the healer of these wounds, they are the messenger of them by continuing to smash them.
Related: 4 Ways You Can Heal Trauma Bond After a Narcissistic Relationship
Your Goal Is To Be Your True Self
Now, let’s jump forward to your goal in all of this. It’s for you to be the Source to yourself by generating what you want so that you can be you and live your life, regardless of what other people are or aren’t being or choosing. That’s freedom, that’s power, that’s your True Self.
Of course, there’s a lot more work to do – inner work on a lot of this stuff and everything that’s around it – such as the fears of leaving, how you’re going to survive on your own, all of those attachments, obsessions, and addictions you feel towards the narcissist. You’ve got a lot of healing to do on that. That’s what the deep inner Thriver work is all about.
Can you see how it’s your goal to be your True Self, regardless of what other people are being or choosing, or doing?
Here is another powerful truth. It’s not your right to change anybody, and it’s certainly not loving, because really what you’re saying is, “I am not loving you enough to allow you to be yourself. I need you to be what I need to feel loved, safe, and happy.” That’s not loving, it’s controlling.
I want you to imagine that you meet somebody who is a non-narcissist, and you’re really active and social, and this person never wants to do anything, they’re unmotivated and aren’t hard-working. You’re a really active, conscientious person and they sit on the couch, watch movies, and eat junk food all day, but they may be a beautiful Soul …
You trying to change them and get them off the couch to make you happy is not loving. Them trying to stop you from going out the door and getting you on the couch with them watching TV is not loving. You’re not a match for each other’s values and truths.
Kindness, honesty, integrity, the ability to work on solutions, and teamwork are your values and truth. Narcissists don’t want those things, stop trying to change them. Let them go and align with and choose people that are your truth.
This is a thing about narcissistic abuse. It is a powerful Soul experience. It is off the charts traumatizing. It is so traumatizing. There’s nothing like it.
That means, to recover there is only one path out of it … to let go, turn inwards and become loving, honest, kind, and attentive enough to yourself that you get to this place of, “I now choose, deserve and align with kindness care and honesty and anything less is not my truth.” Genuinely get there, not just as a concept, but as an embodied, healed, and whole enough truth within you for it to be your new self and your new life.
In Conclusion
Now, I want to tell you about Thrive, which I touched on at the start of this video because it is the 10-week healing Bootcamp course that is about all of this – granting you back to yourself, your alignment, your truth, your values, how to release everything that is not that so that very quickly and powerfully you can take your Soul, spirit and your sanity back.
Now, the first Bootcamp course, the 10-week one that we did, surpassed my wildest expectations with how powerfully it helped members of this incredible community heal, even those that have been struggling and had found nothing that was working for them, just like it can, and will for you also.
I’d love to invite you to take part and break free from all of this trauma of trying to fix and hang in there as well as all of the other nasties that go with narcissistic abuse, by joining me every week for powerful discoveries, life-changing Quantum Freedom Healing sessions for that 10 week period.
Click here to register for your spot.
I really hope today has made a lot of deep sense to you, you really felt those statements. I’m looking forward to your comments and your questions about this episode, and as always, please know there’s hope for all of this, more than hope.
Written By Melanie Tonia Evans Originally Appeared On Melanie Tonia Evans
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