How To Raise A Child With High EQ

Having a child with a high EQ (emotional quotient) is something every parent wants, but do you actually work towards imbibing something like that in your children? The actual secret to raising a child who understands othersโ€™ feelings and empathizes with them, is to give your children the space to understand and express their own emotions.ย 

ย Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to effectively recognize feelings in oneself and others, to appropriately express and regulate these feelings, and to use them effectively to guide oneโ€™s thoughts and behavior in working towards a desired goal.ย โ€” Rachael K. Tan

Self-awareness, emotional attunement to others and knowledge of oneโ€™s own emotional states are several qualities belonging to a person with aย high EQ.

A child who is self-aware, possesses insight, and isย considerate of other peopleโ€™s feelings is often a child who is emotionally intelligentย and on the way to possessing a high EQ. ย ย 

A multitude ofย positive emotional qualitiesย stems from these general capacities such as appreciation, thoughtfulness, empathy, and kindness. A child who is in touch with his or her emotions, maybe a child who can identify a feeling state, instead of inappropriately acting it out.

It is natural for a child to have an occasional meltdown, lapse in appreciation, or a self-absorbed moment, but most children with a healthy emotional constitution regularly exhibitย conscientiousย capacities within the context of a close relationship.

โ€œThank you,โ€ โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ โ€œI made a mistake,โ€ or โ€œAre you okay?โ€ Aย child who rarely says these withoutย a prompt may lack the deeper emotional aptitudes thatย allow a person to eventually achieve emotionalย intelligence.

Too often a parent excuses a child from displaying appreciation, accountability, or empathy. โ€œThey are just a kid.โ€ This may be an egregious mistake.

Related: Teaching Your Children Mental And Emotional Balance

Character is established early, and the correlation betweenย a secure attachment with a caregiver and emotional intelligenceย is evidence that a child is capable of exhibiting these qualities at a young age.

When fostered, these characteristics may result in a child with healthyย emotional regulation, emotional intelligence, and eventually a high EQ.

Aย secure attachmentย is formed when an infant\toddler experiences aย caregiverย who is emotionally attuned and empathically responds to him or her.

raise a child

In addition, a parent who is able to admit fault within the context of the parent-child dyad actually allows a child an opportunity to experience self-awareness and accountability within theย attachmentย relationship.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry I lost my cool. I probably scared you. I love you.โ€ These are examples of a parent who takes ownership of his or her mistakes in a relationship with a child.

When a caregiver displays self-awareness, accountability, and empathy in the parent-child relationship, the child has an opportunity to experience and internalize theseย emotionally intelligentย qualities.

Alternatively, a parent who believes he or she is never wrong, rarely says sorry when he or she makes a mistake and is unaware of a childโ€™s feelings, may unwittingly prevent a child from integrating important emotionally intelligent capacities.

Related: How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children: 3 Crucial Lessons To Teach

Moreover, a parent who shames a child for having a feeling that differs from how the parent feels may also be a barrier to the childโ€™s emotional growth.

Although the childโ€™s experience of empathy is what allows him or her to embody the capacity naturally, the difference between anย empathicย parent and a parent who enables is critical.

If a parent is too accommodating and feels sorry for a childย (sympathy), the parent may be tempted to bend the rules, lower the expectations, or give in.ย Unfortunately, this teaches a child to play the victim, deflect, and project blame, and manipulate to get what he or she wants.

The trick is to empathize, not sympathize, and uphold the expectation.

Examples include:

1. โ€œYou are mad. I can see, but you cannot throw your backpack. Please go pick it up.โ€

2. โ€œYou are disappointed. I would be too. I get it but donโ€™t quit, honey. Keep trying.โ€

3. โ€œYou are worried. Itโ€™s overwhelming, I understand. But you can do it. Keep at it.โ€

4. โ€œIt hurts to see someone do something you want to do but cannot. I get it. But you canโ€™t take it out on your friend. Please goย apologize.โ€

5. โ€œYou are worried about the run. I get it. I get nervous before races too, but you can do this, kiddo.โ€

A parent who is in tune with how a child feels and honors the feeling, yet upholds expectations and rules, is a parent who empathizes instead of enables.

First, honor the childโ€™s feelings. Next, redirect, correct, reassure, encourage, or problem-solve. Once the child feels understood, less alone, and connected to the parent, he or she is usually more open to the parentโ€™s redirection or reassurance.

If a parent is unable to follow through with expectations and rules, a sense of entitlement may arise in the child. Moreover, shielding a child from disappointment or accountability to protect him or her from emotional pain backfires because the child receives the message that he or she is entitled to receive special treatment.

When a child is able to experience painful emotional states in the context of a comforting parentยญ-child relationship, it helps a child tolerate and regulate these difficult emotions. This often results in a child who isย resilient.

Related: 9 Pieces of Wisdom Every Parent Should Teach Their Children

Conversely, a child who is shielded from uncomfortable feeling states such as, disappointment, remorse, and accountability, may not have the opportunity to experience these emotions within the realm of a safe relationship.

If a young child is left alone with these painful feelings states for a prolonged period of time without support, he or she may unconsciously resurrectย extreme and robust defense mechanismsย to ward off the emotional pain andย shame.

Emotional intelligence is a priceless attribute. Raising a child who has a high EQ is an important goal. In addition, its benefits may have a ripple effect on the childโ€™s family, community, and culture.

The compassion and selflessness an emotionally intelligent human being exudes, may resolve conflict, allow for trust in a relationship, and heal and empower others.


Written By Erin Leonard
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today

Like every parent out there, you wish for a child with a high EQ (emotional quotient) is natural. But, when you desire something like that, you need to put in practice to ensure that. Children always rely on the guidance and support of their parents, so as a parent, it is your responsibility to inculcate an emotional balance and maturity in them. If you start doing this from a young age, your children will blossom into emotionally intelligent and happy people.

If you want to know more about how you can raise a child with high EQ, then check this video out below:


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