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9 Ways People Settle in Relationships

9 Ways People Settle in Relationships

It’s often easier to walk away from an unfulfilling relationship when your partner is being a complete jerk or doing things that are unhealthy. But, more often than not, relationships tend to me more complicated and it’s often the small nuances that are not as clear cut that leaves you scratching your head. You know, the ones that you cannot put your finger on it – initially, but something sure feels ‘off.’ And when we feel that way, we question the relationship and find ourselves asking:

• Is this a healthy relationship?
• Does this relationship offer me the things that are important to me?
• Is this person a good fit for me or am I ignoring things that are hiding in plain sight?

 

To help you figure that out, here are 9 signs that you just might be settling.

1) You relinquish your values

Your values are something that creates the foundation from where our decisions about our life, work, relationships are formed. When you start to ‘rethink’ or relinquish your values, this should be a red flag. If you start to concede the values that you have lived by, just to keep this person in your life and make them happy, this is also a red flag. However, forsaking your values for someone else will eventually result in veiled resentment towards your partner but mostly this resentment will turn inward. Honor your values and what’s important to you!

 

2) You justify his/her behaviors

You justify his/her behaviors by saying a lot of ‘yes, but.’ You provide excuses for their aberrant and unhealthy behaviors to your family and friends. Yes, he was wrong, but he was tired, just got home from work, is stressed (you get the point). When they are doing something that bothers you, you justify their behaviors by saying something they are doing right. You do this even though you know this really doesn’t make any sense and what they are doing bothers you. You ignore what’s hiding in plain sight. Don’t justify negative and unhealthy behaviors!

 

3) You hope they will change

Change is hard. I get it. But hoping the other person will change, keeps you stuck, living an unfulfilled relationship. Our primary responsibility in life is to ourselves. Making the changes we need to make to live our best life possible. But, waiting for your partner to change so they will be perfect for you, is a lesson in futility. And, it removes your responsibility for your life. Don’t wait for your partner to change. Take responsibility for your life!


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4) You ignore the red flags

There are things in relationships that cause us to stop and hit the ‘pause’ button. Sometimes it doesn’t amount to much and could be related to our own stuff and triggers from our childhood or previous relationships. The goal is to examine what made you pause in that moment. However, many times there are blatant red flags, yet people turn a blind eye and ignore them like the plague. Your fear? Probably that you are right and shouldn’t be in the relationship. But by not acknowledging them for what they are, you lose yourself and forsake your happiness. But ignoring them will only result in one thing – these red flags will continue to haunt you and show their ugly face again and again. They will become the ‘thing’ that you will be unable to work through because deep down, you know the truth. Know your red flags and honor them!

 

5) You have a fear of being alone

This is unfortunate but happens frequently. I believe this to be one of the biggest culprits as to why people stay in relationships well beyond their expiration date and ultimately end up settling. Your fear of being alone keeps you feeling stuck in a relationship. And deep down, I believe people know they are settling because internally they are unhappy. Fears blind you to getting the love you want and need in healthy ways because the fear dictates our thoughts and behaviors. To get the relationship you want to have, you first have to conquer learning how to be alone so that you can need and have people in your life in a healthy way. A fear of being alone places you at the mercy of another person as you wait for them to fulfill your needs (this creates a feeling of being ‘needy’). Learn to be alone so you can have the relationship you want and deserve!

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Written by Kristin Davin, Psy.D.

Dr. Davin is a Solution Focused Therapist and Coach. She specializes in couples counseling, personal and work related relationship and dating challenges. Helping her clients focus on solutions rather than problems, helps people get to a healthier place, faster.

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