30 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From People Married For Over 30 Years

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30 Pieces of Advice From 30 Couples Married 30 Years 1 1

What is the best marriage advice you have ever gotten?

They say marriages are made in heaven, but what they donโ€™t say is that you have to build that heaven. Sustaining a happy marriage is sometimes easier said than done.

The fact is, getting married is probably the easier part. The challenging part is to make sure that it lasts the test of time.

Ever wanted to hear from a trusted board of advisors on the topic of sustaining long-term love?

Well, youโ€™re in luck.

I searched high and low to find thirty couples who had been happily married for over thirty years and asked them what one piece of advice they would give to anyone who is single and/or in a newer relationship, and the following is a compilation of highlights from what they had to say.

Side note: this is the second-longest itโ€™s ever taken me to compile an article, so I sincerely hope you get something out of it (and the article that took the longest to create came out a few weeks ago).

Without further ado, here are thirty pieces of advice on love and life from couples who have been happily married for over thirty years.

Time Tested Love Advice From People Married 30+ Years

1. โ€œDonโ€™t keep score. Scorekeeping will absolutely ruin a marriage. And itโ€™s impossible to do anyway. You canโ€™t know all of the millions of little things your partner does for you, so keeping score is just an immature way of building up a case for you to justify your childish resentment.โ€ โ€“ Dianna

marriage advice

2. โ€œDonโ€™t be afraid to be the one who loves more. Either for a phase of your relationship or overall. The point is what you give to the relationship, not what you get from it.โ€ โ€“ John

3. โ€œDo something every day that will give your partner a reason to be with you the next day.โ€ โ€“ Allison

4. โ€œSchedule sex. Just do it. It sounds boring and awful and like something old people need to do, but there are a growing amount of responsibilities in life, and sometimes you have to fight like hell to keep sex on the table.โ€ โ€“ Samantha

5. โ€œIt feels generous to say that I was happily married for more than thirty years because while I have been married for over thirty years, and I am currently extremely happy in my marriage, not all thirty of the years were completely blissful. Marriage is a sacred container that will bring up your deepest wounding, and this has been true in my relationship. So yes, long-term marital bliss is possible, but I would want to impress upon others the reality that it comes at a cost. And that cost is that you will have to look inwards and do some very honest, hard work. Donโ€™t expect all sunshine and rainbows. Marriage is confronting stuff. And it is also worth it. I wouldnโ€™t trade my husband for anything or anyone in the world.โ€ โ€“ Kimberly

6.ย  โ€œHaving kids is hard work. Only do it if you love, trust, and respect your partner deeply. And always parent as a united front. Kids will test you endlessly and try to go behind your back to mix you up. Donโ€™t let them. Stand your ground, and be your partnerโ€™s #1 ally.โ€ โ€“ Don

7. โ€œSome people say โ€˜Never go to bed madโ€™. I couldnโ€™t disagree more. I mean, sure, avoid it if you can. If you can squash an argument in a timely manner, then do it. But sometimes going to bed angry gives you an opportunity to bite your tongue in an appropriate way and then wake up with a clear head. Sometimes sleeping on it is the correct course of action.โ€ โ€“ Ken

8. โ€œAbove all else, I would say this: choose a kind partner. That is the most important thing I could impart to anyone who is earlier in their courtship. If you choose a kind partner, everything else is easier down the road.โ€ โ€“ Susan

marriage advice

9. โ€œKnow that compromise is inevitable in a multi-decade relationship. Maybe you want one kid and they want three. Or you want two cats and they want zero. There will be hundreds, if not thousands, of instances where one of you will have to acquiesce to the desires of the other. This is natural. Donโ€™t avoid these conversations. Lean in, and focus on how much you get, overall, from being with this person.โ€ โ€“ Joseph

10. โ€œPay attention to the details. If she mentions she likes something or wants something, write it down so you know what to get her for her next birthday/Christmas gift. Plugin her phone at night so itโ€™s always fully charged. Do the dishes without being asked and without drawing attention to it. Basically just be a good person, and give her your energy.โ€ โ€“ Cam

11. โ€œMake sex a priority. There may be short periods of your marriage where decreased sex is unavoidable (newborns, travel, start-ups, etc.), but consistently put energy into making sure that youโ€™re sexually connecting with each other. Everything flows better when youโ€™re making love at least on a weekly basis.โ€ โ€“ Rebecca

12. โ€œBe kind, put in the effort, donโ€™t stress too much. If you picked the right person for you, itโ€™ll all work out for you in the end.โ€ โ€“ James

13. โ€œBe explicit about the roles that you both play in your household. My husband and I found a lot of relief indirectly naming who was expected to do most of the dishes (or laundry, or chauffeuring the kids around, or organizing dinners with friends, etc.). The more directly you talk about this stuff, the lower the likelihood that either of you will ever resent the other for doing/not doing what you secretly want them to be doing.โ€ โ€“ Tess

14. โ€œThe quality of your sex life will ebb and flow at different parts of your marriage. Donโ€™t worry. Your marriage isnโ€™t broken, or different. This is natural.โ€ โ€“ Trevor

15. โ€œSomething I wish someone had told me before I got married would be this: marry someone who is financially stable. Or, at least, not financially reckless. Thereโ€™s so much stress that comes from not having your shared finances in order, and so much freedom and spaciousness that comes from having money sorted.โ€ โ€“ Renata

16. โ€œThe main thing I would want people to know is that they should talk about their sex life with their partner. My wife and I didnโ€™t do this until well into our marriage (more than 15 years in), and I wish we had done it sooner. It really marked a new chapter in the depth of our relationship.โ€ โ€“ Ray

17. โ€œNothing will make your relationship flourish more than regularly meditating on the fact that your relationship is about growth above all else. If theyโ€™re pissing you off, then thereโ€™s something to learn there. If you have a difficult time bringing a specific emotion to them, then thatโ€™s something to grow into. See it all like feedback, all of it as valuable, and all of it as being something for you to utilize and grow through.โ€ โ€“ Mary

marriage advice

18. โ€œBe more open to exploring sexually with your partner than you may have initially thought when you first came into the relationship. You can go so much deeper with a partner when youโ€™ve been with them for a long time versus how deep you may have gone with short term partners from before you were married. Itโ€™s a completely different ballpark.โ€ โ€“ Patrick

19. โ€œRespect yourself and your partner enough to remain physically attractive for each other. Go to the gym, put on makeup, dress nice. Do whatever you need to do to keep putting in the effort.โ€ โ€“ Janeen

20. โ€œI would recommend that couples have an overarching policy of โ€˜You can bring me any truth you need to, no matter how difficult it might be to bring to me.โ€™ This policy can save you from so much pain, lost time, and wishy-washy mind reading.โ€ โ€“ Hannah

21. โ€œLet go of arguments quickly. Even if you know youโ€™re right. It doesnโ€™t matter. It just doesnโ€™t matter. 99% of the things you fight about will be completely irrelevant, and itโ€™s better to just let go and come back into harmony. Itโ€™s a relationshipโ€ฆ not a battle for your egos!โ€ โ€“ Jessica

22. โ€œMy wife and I have a little ritual that I imagine others could benefit from. Every day, whenever I come home from work, we always start off our conversation by answering the question โ€˜Whatโ€™s the best thing that happened to you today?โ€™. We donโ€™t do this because we gloss over the fact that we also have struggles or low daysโ€ฆ but rather to simply be in the habit of starting with positivity. It helps us out a lot, and I always look forward to it.โ€ โ€“ Renaldo

23. โ€œSomething that my partner and I started doing over five years ago was we committed to engaging with each other sexually every day. Yes, literally every day! This doesnโ€™t mean that we have penetration every day. Sometimes being sexual with each other means kissing each otherโ€™s genitals goodnightโ€ฆ or making out a little when he gets home from workโ€ฆ or doing a few minutes of massage in the morning. Itโ€™s our little way of keeping the sexual simmer alive in our marriage, and it has worked wonders for us.โ€ โ€“ Beth

24. โ€œEvery year of your relationship, even if you have children together, go for a 1-on-1 vacation together. Just the two of you, even if itโ€™s only for 3 days. Itโ€™s worth the effort.โ€ โ€“ Charles

25. โ€œPassion is a function of communication. If you arenโ€™t regularly speaking truth to each other, and letting your individual inner worlds be known, then youโ€™ll just be going through the motions.โ€ โ€“ Arlene

26. โ€œWhat I would most want to impress upon people is acknowledging and accepting that there will be phases in your marriage. There can even be multi-year phases where it just isnโ€™t as sparkly and magical as other phases. Maybe your career goes through a downturn and it affects your financial stability, or maybe one of you goes through a crisis of identity and doesnโ€™t feel very sexual as a result because you donโ€™t really know who you are anymore. And these very real, often predictable, life-y things will impact your marriage. But if you chose the right person and youโ€™re both truly in it for the long haul, then these peaks and valleys will just add to your union.โ€ โ€“ Yasmine

27. โ€œOnly love is real. So when youโ€™re engaging with your partner from a place that doesnโ€™t have love tied into it, you arenโ€™t really there at all. And that isnโ€™t to say that anger canโ€™t be simultaneously mixed with love, because it absolutely can. Every emotion can have a foundation of love underneath it. Just check in with yourself and remember to remain connected to your heart at all times.โ€ โ€“ Jason

28. โ€œAnother person canโ€™t make you happy, but they sure can make you miserable. So take your time in choosing your partner. Hopefully, youโ€™ll only ever have to do it once.โ€ โ€“ Delores

29. โ€œMaintain separate friends and hobbies. Thereโ€™s always the three entities: you, me, and the relationship. If you arenโ€™t both cultivating friendships and hobbies outside of the relationship then youโ€™ll never have anything new to talk about. Having your own life outside of the relationship is so important in maintaining a sustained, beautiful romance.โ€ โ€“ Sharice

30. โ€œI would tell people to โ€˜Give yourselves the opportunity to miss each other.โ€™ Once per year my husband and I each go on our own week-long trips with our closest friends. Him with his old high school buddies, and me with my tennis friends that Iโ€™ve known since I was in my 20โ€™s. We each come back feeling refreshed and recharged, yes, but more importantly we get to have the experience of missing each other. The first few days of my trip Iโ€™m happy to have space, but inevitably, by the last few days, I really truly tap into the sensations of missing him. And itโ€™s always such a gift to reunite with each other when I get home. With this habit as an annual ritual, it keeps me that much more awake to the fact that I love this man deeply, and I know that he has a similar experience when he returns from his boysโ€™ trip.โ€ โ€“ Juliette

Aaaaaaand thatโ€™s thirty!

I hope you enjoyed this article and got something out of it. I certainly got a lot out of compiling it.

There is so much love in the world, so much resilience, and so much depth. I was inspired by the amount of love and care that went into all of the contributions that I received, and I really enjoyed seeing the differences, and the overlap in peopleโ€™s responses.

Thatโ€™s it for me. I hope that you are well.

Marriage advice is very easy to come by, as everyone these days have an opinion on others and their lives. Even though any kind of marriage advice is welcome, you have to understand which ones are actually going to help you in the long run. At the end of the day, itโ€™s your marriage, and you need to do what you think will help it.

Dedicated to your success,
Jordan

If you are interested in more marriage advice, then check out the video below:

๏ปฟ


Written by Jordan Gray
Originally appeared in Jordan Gray Consulting

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36 Things Iโ€™ve Learned From 36 Years of Marriage
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30 Pieces Of Marriage Advice From People Married For Over 30 Years

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