Why do Neurodivergent Kids struggle with traditional social skills expectations when connection looks completely different for them today?
An interview with educator and neurodivergent advocate, Sam Young, M.Ed.
Key points
- Neurodivergent kids want connection, just not the way others expect.
- Connection starts with authenticity and shared interests.
- Social learning is more effective when it happens through meaningful activities in empowering environments.
Sam Young, M.Ed., is the founder of the Young Scholars Academy, a virtual learning community for bright and differently wired students. His work centers on helping young people build on their strengths rather than emphasizing perceived deficits.
Through his work, Sam sees how neurodivergent kids connect and how social development can unfold more naturally in environments where they feel understood and engaged.
Read More Here: Are Empaths On The Autism Spectrum? Exploring Similarities And Uniqueness
Debra: What’s different about how neurodivergent students connect with others?
Sam: One of the hardest things is that many neurotypical social norms don’t fit. There are many harmful misconceptions, like the idea that our kids don’t want to connect or socialize.
We have to reset expectations, especially as parents.
Debra: So, if it’s not that they don’t want connection, how do they connect?
Sam: Kids intersect at their interests. Many kids have unique brains with deep, passionate focus areas. So they might talk at people about a strength or interest. And many people think, “Oh, we should fix that,” when in reality, that’s passion. When you put people who are passionate about the same thing together, they become friends, right? Think about interest-based meetup groups for adults; it’s the same principle. You just need to curate opportunities for them.
Debra: What happens when you have kids with different interests? Have you seen receptivity?
Sam: There’s definitely more friction in relationships where interests are not shared. There needs to be some bonding experience. I always start with interest and expand from there.
Once kids find a shared connection, we can begin layering in skills. We might gather a group for Dungeons & Dragons to practice turn-taking or give feedback. The learning happens in a context that truly matters to them.
Or we’re having a debate, and you’re going to give and take feedback. And here’s how we do it. This is a concrete formula. We do a feedback sandwich: positive, growth, positive. We can often help more concrete brains that might struggle with the abstract, fluid nature of socializing.
Debra: That feels especially relevant given how hard it is to tolerate differing opinions right now. I appreciate that you’re able to find ways to do that which feel less threatening.
Sam: Twice-exceptional brains are spiky and asynchronous … So there are these high highs and low lows, and their co-existence creates a complex social experience. I might have strong opinions about something quite advanced that kids my age aren’t discussing, and I might not yet have the emotional regulation or ability to handle complexity or pushback.
Research shows that pairing these kids with similar peers works well, along with what I call the X and Y axes of social success. The X-axis is kids like your kid. The Y axis is a grown-up version of your kid—not a parent, but a mentor who can say, “I’m autistic, I have ADHD, and here’s what has worked for me.” They need to look over on the X-axis to see kids like them, and they need to look up on the Y-axis to see adults like them.
Debra: There’s criticism that social skills training just teaches neurotypical norms. How do you think about that?
Sam: It’s a tough one. It’s a neurotypical world; it wasn’t necessarily built for neurodivergent people. I think one of the most empowering things we can do is help kids carve out and build their own space and teach them how to navigate the world around them.
I like to draw a distinction between masking and code-switching. Masking is hiding your authentic self to fit in and survive. That depletes you. Whereas code-switching is adapting your communication style while staying true to who you are. That can empower you.
Find your people and be passionate about what you are passionate about. We don’t have to wear masks, but we can learn to code-switch. I’m going to talk to these neurotypical people differently than I do to my neurodivergent friends, but I’m still me.
Truthfully, when we look at society, people who are neurodivergent and learn to code-switch well often do better. It is a predictor of success.
And again, is that fair? Is it equitable? The answer’s no. But it is true.
Debra: What’s the biggest worry parents have about their neurodivergent kids’ social life?
Sam: Often, they’re focused on the gap between their kid and neurotypical peers.
My goal is always to help kids become the best version of themselves in the ideal environment. With socializing, let’s start with your kid in the quirkiest, most aligned environment. Then we start to expand into different settings.
And, I always tell parents: Your job is to be a detective, not a judge. Get curious. What lights your child up? Where are they most engaged? Maybe it’s at home in their bedroom, and you’re like, well, that’s not socializing. Well, it could be with a computer.
So, can we meet them where they are? Can we find a way to connect with what they truly care about? Hey, I know you’re really passionate about this. Have you considered creating a Reddit or a Discord? And now they feel empowered. Suddenly, they’re a community leader. So, you can build out from that place of strength, rather than focusing all our attention on “fixing” them where they’re struggling.
If there’s one thing I want parents to take from this conversation, it’s this: Connection is not a skill to be corrected. It’s something that happens naturally when kids are finally in the right environment. The magic happens when we stop trying to make them fit and start helping them find where they truly belong.
That’s what we try to build at Young Scholars Academy every day. When kids find their people, pursue what they love, and get mentored by grown-up versions of themselves… the rest follows.
Read More Here: The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love
Sam Young is the founder of Young Scholars Academy, a WASC-accredited virtual village for gifted and twice-exceptional students. Learn more at https://youngscholarsacademy.org/
Written by Debra Brause, Psy.D.
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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