Not many know about a narcissist playing games in a relationship. To narcissists, relationships are transactional, like buying and selling. The goal is to get what you want at the lowest price. Itโs a self-centered, business mindset. Emotions donโt intrude.
In relationships, narcissists focus on their goals. For a male narcissist, thatโs usually sex or having a beautiful woman at his side. A female narcissist may be looking for material gifts, sex, acts of service, and/or an extravagant courtship.
Itโs important to understand a narcissistโs mind. They see relationships as a means to get what they want, without concern for the feelings of the other person.
Their only concern is what they can get out it. Relationships are used to enhance their ego and give them what they value, such as status, power, esteem, and sex. You have to have something to offer to receive in return. Theyโre only motivated by that, and arenโt interested in you as a person or doing anything for you without some sort of payment.
An exclusive commitment, caring, and intimacy that most people seek in a relationship are considered drawbacks to a narcissist, who likes to keep options open. Sex and intimacy are not usually linked. A relationship with a narcissist will never develop into an I-Thou relationship or even one based on love.
Read 12 Signs You Are Being Psychologically Manipulated
Plato described seven types of love:
1. Eros is passionate, physical, romantic love;
2. Philautia is self-love, including healthy self-esteem, hubris, and self-inflation;
3. Ludus is affectionate, fun, and uncommitted love;
4. Pragma is pragmatic love that focuses on long-term compatibility and shared goals.
5. Philia love is friendship;
6. Storge is familial and parental love, based on familiarity and dependency;
7. Agape is a deep spiritual and unconditional love, including altruism and love for strangers, nature, and God.
Signs of Game Playing In Relationships With Narcissists
Researchย shows that narcissistsโ style is Ludus love, and their objective is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure. Theyโre playing a game, and winning is the goal. This strikes the perfect balance to get their needs met by multiple people, without many demands on them to be emotionally intimate or to meet other needs of their partner(s).
Read 6 Diversion Tactics Used By Narcissists To Manipulate You Into Silence
Some signs of a narcissist playing games with you:
1. Being hard to reach or ghosting (disappearing)
2. Going hot and cold; e.g. pursuing then distancing, such as slow to return calls or texts, or only sending short, impersonal texts
3. Making promises they canโt or donโt keep
4. Lying or being slippery and hard to pin down
5. Being very seductive and moving fast in the beginning
6. Refusing to discuss the relationship
7. Flirting in front of you
8. Hiding you from friends and family
9. Expecting you to mind read (women do this more)
10. Withholding feelings or sex
11. Blaming you and playing the victim
12. Not calling or texting first
Did you relate to the above signs of a narcissist playing mind games with you?
Game-Playing and Love
Good social skills allow them to make a good initial first impression. Theyโre engaging, charming, and energetic, andย research reveals that they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions.
In fact, one study revealed that most people like narcissists when they first meet them. It was only after seven meetings that they started to see the narcissistโs darker side and changed their opinion. Many narcissists are adept at attracting and entertaining people. Theyโre not considered boring!
Itโs easy to be seduced by generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. This is how narcissists manipulate you to achieve their aims. They brag about themselves in order to be admired, loved, and gratified. Codependents with low self-esteem are easy targets. You might fall into the trap of idealizing them, sacrificing your needs, and little by little tolerating their increasingly self-centered and abusive behavior.
Read How and Why Narcissists Try to Destroy You With Circular Conversations
Narcissists can be adept and persuasive lovers. Some practice loveโbombing by overwhelming you with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love. While some remain single, narcissists often marry and develop Storge or Pragma love.
But that may not stop them from seeking the thrill of continuing to play games with new conquests. They may not intentionally lie when confronted, but theyโre skilled at deception. For example, a narcissist might tell you that youโre her boyfriend, but later you discover she has another โboyfriend,โ and sheโll deny she ever lied. He will say he was working late at the office, but omit that he had a romantic dinner his paramour. Narcissists who also have psychopathic traits are more nefarious and dangerous. Theyโre capable of gaslighting, exploitation, and criminal behavior.
Narcissists prioritize power over intimacy. (See Conquering Shame and Codependency.)They loathe vulnerability, which they consider weak. To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer dominance and superiority over others. Game-playing thus strikes the perfect balance to both get their needs met and keep their options open to flirt or date multiple partners.
Read Dealing With A Passive-Aggressive Partner
When they lose interest and decide the game is over, itโs devastating to their ex, who canโt understand what happened and is still in love. Breakups are especially hard during the romantic phase when passions are strong. Being dropped after a love bombing can leave discarded partners in shock. They feel confused, crushed, and betrayed. If the relationship had continued, eventually they would have seen through the narcissistโs seductive veneer.
Narcissists can develop positive feelings toward their partner, but without deep love, they lack the motivation to maintain their faรงade and romance. Thatโs when fault-finding begins. They can become cold, critical, and angry, especially when they donโt get their way. Eventually, they must look elsewhere for their narcissistic supplies.
What to do when you find a narcissist playing games with you?
There are steps you can take to protect yourself from becoming a victim of a narcissistโs games and changing the relationship dynamic. If it doesnโt improve, it may take courage to leave, but itโs more painful than being left.
1. Knowledge is power. Not only information about narcissismย but learn about your date before you start fantasizing a romantic future and give away your heart. Pay attention to words and actions over time, not just flattery and words of love. (See โHow to Spot a Narcissist.โ) If youโre uneasy or suspicious, trust your gut.
2. Walk away from a date who doesnโt respond, seems too busy, preoccupied, or interested in you.
3. Talk about distancing behavior. Share your feelings, and find out whatโs going on. You may learn that your date is seeing other people, just wants to have โfun,โ or doesnโt want a commitment.
Read The Dark Triad Traits and How to Protect Yourself
4. Take control and confront bad behavior, such as unreliability, criticism, and rudeness. This requires the ability to trust your feelings, to be assertive, and to set boundaries. Confrontations arenโt ultimatums. Instead, learn to do it strategically. Get Dealing with a Narcissist.
5. Donโt be available 24/7. If youโre a man, restrain yourself, and donโt call or text multiple times a day at the beginning of a relationship. If youโre a woman, do not chase a man, period! Stop calling or texting him first. If he disappears, you can confront that, but the bottom line is that his behavior speaks volumes. Just move on. Remember, not only are there other fish in the sea, this one is toxic!
Read Eight Mental Abuse Tactics To Watch Out For
Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT
Originally appeared onย WhatIsCodependency.com
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