This ongoing pandemic has truly changed the world and how humans live. For some of us, we are getting to spend more time with our families and doing everything we have always wanted to do, but couldn’t due to hectic lifestyles. That’s an amazing thing, isn’t it? But for some, this pandemic has made their lives a living hell. Victims of domestic violence are going through a terrifying time, as they are stuck at home with their abusers, with nowhere to hide.
Calls to domestic violence helplines are skyrocketing with helpline numbers and the police receiving calls about abuse every 20 minutes. Unimaginable, isn’t it? Leaving an abusive relationship might seem easy, but more often than not, it’s one of the most difficult things a victim can do. It’s not that simple, as there is still a huge risk to their lives.
Abusers don’t let their victims leave that easily. How many times have we read headlines like “Abusive Ex-Husband Fatally Shoots Ex-Wife For Leaving Him.”? So, no. Asking ‘why didn’t she just leave?’ is dangerously ignorant. It’s not as simple as people perceive it to be.
But that does not mean you have to be stuck in that situation forever. As long as you plan everything immaculately, there is a high chance that you will be able to save yourself from this.
Related: Abuse Knows No Gender: Real-Life Examples Of How Women Abuse Men
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a kind of abuse, where there is a regular pattern of controlling, demeaning, coercive, dangerous, and violent behavior towards someone, with the motive of scaring that person, and keeping them ‘in check’. This might include emotional abuse, physical abuse, and even in some cases, sexual abuse, and is generally done by a spouse, partner, or family member.
What Are The Different Kinds Of Domestic Violence?
Domestic abuse or domestic violence can include different kinds of abuse, and they are as follows:
1. Emotional abuse
- Holding you responsible for all the problems in the relationship.
- Having a constant bad mood, and an effort to pressurise you into doing their bidding.
- Threatening to commit suicide, and emotionally blackmailing you.
- Comparing you with others to put you down and chip away at your dignity and self-esteem.
2. Psychological abuse
- Instilling fear, such as threatening you with dire consequences, driving dangerously, having weapons etc.
- Hurting your pets, and sometimes even killing them in front of you.
- Constantly telling you that nobody, including your family, and the police will believe that you are being abused.
- Wrecking your things, and trying to destroy your property.
3. Verbal abuse
- Using dirty and horrible swear words for you in public, in order to humiliate you.
- Screaming and shouting at you, and constantly subjecting you to name-calling tactics.
- Mocking your beliefs, ethnicity, body image and career.
- Repeatedly attacking your abilities as a parent, and constantly putting you down in front of everyone, including your family, friends and children.
4. Sexual abuse
- Assaulting and hurting your private parts.
- Forcing you to get intimate with them, despite pleading that you don’t want to, and refusing to use any protection while getting intimate.
- Pressuring you to do things you are not comfortable doing (taking explicit photos, performing demeaning sexual acts).
- Throwing sexually demeaning criticisms and insults at you.
5. Physical abuse
- Directly assaulting you (slapping, kicking, punching, pulling your hair, biting, choking, pushing, burning, eye injuries, shaking).
- Not allowing you to sleep, eat, take your medications or even go for medical care if needed.
- Beating you up with objects, used as weapons.
- Locking you in a room or in the house, and taking away the keys.
6. Financial abuse
- Not letting you have a job of your own, as a way of limiting your financial independence.
- Not letting you access your bank accounts.
- If you do have a job, they use your entire salary to pay for their own personal needs and look after ‘household expenses’.
- Forcing you to make false declarations, and making you sign documents that will further limit your financial independence.
7. Religious or spiritual abuse
- Coercing you into raising your children according to religious or spiritual beliefs you don’t believe in.
- Using religious beliefs to control you, and even hurt you.
- Prohibiting you from practicing your spiritual and religious beliefs.
- Exploiting certain religious practices to force you to stay in the marriage, assault you, and even forbid you from getting medication.
8. Stalking and harassment
- Calling you and harassing you via telephone.
- Watching you and following you everywhere.
- Turning up at your home without any notice, and continuing to lurk around.
- Tracking your movements with GPS, and trying to intimidate you, whenever you bump into them.
Here Are 10 Safety Tips For Domestic Violence
1. Zero in on who you can trust.
The very first thing you should think about is who you can trust blindly to aid you in escaping from a situation like this. You have to be extra careful and not just trust someone, just because you are close to them. Ask for help from someone who will be ready to assist you throughout the whole thing, and not someone who will run the moment something goes wrong.
Because you will be living with your abuser, you might not be able to buy all the necessities yourself. So, you can ask this friend to do that for you and get it delivered to their address or the address you provide them with. This person should have the capability to help you with your preparation and also help you with handling everything perfectly.
Related: How Society Teaches Men To Abuse Women – A Man’s Perspective
2. Point out what kind of things you should pack.
Even though trying to escape from domestic violence is a big step in itself, you also need to plan a little bit, so that you can survive properly. Once you leave, do not look back or go back to your abusive partner at any cost. In order to make sure that you will be fine on your own, you need to prepare a few things beforehand.
Decide what kind of clothes you will need, especially when it comes to your children. Make sure that you pack their school uniforms, school shoes, and their books. Apart from that, pack in enough money to last you for a few weeks, enough clothes and shoes for yourself, medicines, toiletries, important certificates, passport, official documents, bank documents, and your social security number.
3. Register for different kinds of assistance.
When you are on your own, you will need to do everything you can to take care of yourself and your kids. Going back to your abuser for any kind of assistance is strictly a no-no. That is why you need to know exactly what you have to do to protect and assist yourself.
If you have a caseworker, then request them to insert a domestic violence waiver in your file. This will stop them from taking into your abuser’s income and other financial information for consideration, and will also stop them from requesting it.
Additionally, apply for ample food stamps, medical assistance, and public assistance.
4. Consult a professional for a restraining order.
Having a restraining order might seem extreme, but it is one of the best ways you can protect yourself, especially if your partner is a very dangerous person. But instead of doing that yourself, consult a professional and let them guide you through the whole process of having an air-tight restraining order.
Many times, lots of restraining orders are rejected because they are not filled in properly, and due to other silly mistakes. That is why taking help from a professional is ideal in such situations. Additionally, include a specific and strict set of consequences for your abuser, if they ever try to contact you and hurt you, in any way.
5. Refrain from talking about your plans.
Because domestic violence is such a sensitive and dangerous situation for you as a victim, do not make the mistake of divulging your intention of leaving to anyone. You can never know for sure who you can trust when it comes to this. Try to be as quiet and sneaky as you can.
If you tell your plans to someone else, there is a possibility that the other person might contact your abuser and expose you. Some may think that they are doing this for your own good, and some may simply do it because they are equally as evil as your abuser.
Related: 8 Tips To Protect Yourself When Staying With An Abusive Person
6. Apply for child custody.
Another important thing that you should do, is to apply for the custody of your children. Abusers tend to use children to emotionally manipulate their victims into coming back to them. In order to be one step ahead of your abuser, quietly apply for sole custody of your children in a family court.
This way, you will not just protect your children, but you will also protect yourself from getting emotionally blackmailed and manipulated into going back to that hell-hole. The moment the court rules that you are the sole guardian of your kids, there’s nothing your abuser can do.
7. Contact the police.
If your partner is an extremely dangerous person, then do not hesitate to contact the police for protection. Have them on speed dial and call them whenever the situation escalates and you feel that your life is in danger.
You should also contact them and request them for protection when you plan on leaving. In case you need to go back to your abuser’s home to take something important, explain to them the gravity of the situation and insist on a police escort.
8. Have a secret mobile phone.
When you are planning on escaping from domestic violence, you need to be as careful and private as you can. If your abuser is someone who always checks your phone to monitor what you are up to, then it’s best if you have a second mobile phone for yourself. This will help you maintain privacy from the watchful eyes of your tormentor.
In case you have to contact any helplines, the police, or a trusted friend/family member, then do that from your secondary cell phone. There are many domestic abuse shelters and women shelters that provide free cell phones to victims, so try to get in touch with them to know more.
9. Build a list of emergency contacts.
When you are a victim of domestic violence, it is crucial that you have a list of emergency contacts saved in your phone and diary. In case you are not able to reach the police, then call any of your emergency contacts to help you when you need it. It can be your family members, friends, helpline numbers, shelters numbers, and even, neighbors.
The more allies you have on your side, the better protected you will be. Once you leave, you will be able to stay with these people temporarily, until you find a place of your own. They can also provide you with ample emotional and mental support, which is desperately needed during such a tumultuous time.
Related: Life After Abuse: 7 Hidden Truths To Help You Rebuild Yourself
10. Keep in touch with domestic violence shelters.
If you do not have any friends or family who you can trust, then the best option for you is to fall back on domestic violence shelters and women’s shelters. Shelters normally keep their locations confidential so that abusers fail to locate their victims. They also have ample space and provisions for accomodating both mothers and their children.
Additionally, shelters help victims in looking for permanent jobs, a home, and all those necessary things that can help them in living a decent life. Another amazing thing about women’s shelters is that can help you further by referring you to important services like counseling/therapy, legal help, financial help, employment programs, and health-related services.
Being a victim of domestic violence and going through something as horrifying as this can leave behind scars that are difficult to heal. Even if you escape from your abuser, you might go through frightening memories, upsetting emotions, and have a constant sense of danger.
But it’s important that you work towards healing yourself and moving on so that you can have a better life. A life that will be full of love, happiness, and positivity. A life like that may seem impossible right now, but as long as you are strong and have faith in yourself, you will be able to have any kind of life you want.
If you want to know more about domestic violence and what you can do about it, then check this video out below:
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