Why Narcissism Harms Your Relationship

Why Narcissism Harms Relationship 2

Narcissists are easy to fall in love with. They are confident, charming, entertaining, agreeable or so they will have you believe. But narcissism seriously harms relationships and your ability to love if you let it. Read on to know how narcissism harms relationships, and what you can do about it.




[Note: In this article, I speak as a masculine man in relationships with feminine women. Please adjust the gender terms to suit your relationship experience.]

In previous articles, I described narcissism as an extreme form of selfishness. But narcissism goes beyond mere self-interest. Itโ€™s more akin to egotism โ€” an excessive or exaggerated sense of self-importance. In the extreme, a narcissist exists alone at the center of his (or her) known universe. Other people appear as instruments that serve a purpose: to satisfy the narcissistโ€™s needs, wants, and desires. If they donโ€™t, they are considered useless (or worse) and can be easily discarded.



If thatโ€™s extreme, where are you on the scale of narcissism? Measure yourself here.

I have always considered myself an evolving โ€œconscious male,โ€ so my own narcissism was submerged, hidden in the subconscious shadows. I couldnโ€™t see it โ€” but the women in my life could.

Related: The Empath, The Narcissist And The Brutal Reality Of Their Toxic Relationship




Hereโ€™s how it looked in my earlier days.

As long as I was getting what I wanted from the woman in my life, I was happy. I felt good about my relationship. I was cooperative, kind, and loving. But if I didnโ€™t get what I wanted, if she wasnโ€™t showing up consistently as the perfect Love Goddess I expected, I began to shut down, withdrawing my energy and attention.

I frequently became resentful. I stopped caring about her as much as I had initially. I got snappy, overly irritable, and reactive. I would hit an internal limit, then started looking for an exit, or someone else who would be more pleasing, and less of a problem.

Looking back, I can see that this was a narcissistic demand that my woman satisfies all of my needs and appetites. If she couldnโ€™t do so (and of course, no one could), my dissatisfaction grew. If she didnโ€™t meet my expectations, there was clearly something wrong with her. I couldnโ€™t see my own role in the dynamic.

This type of narcissism has destroyed many good relationships.

Eventually, my girlfriend would mention my withdrawal or my lack of care or attention. Or she pointed out my rude behavior. I didnโ€™t want to hear it. I pointed back to her, informing her that the problem was how she was reacting. I said things like: โ€œYouโ€™re too sensitive. Youโ€™re not taking responsibility for your stuff. The way youโ€™re delivering the message isnโ€™t clean. If you used different words or a different tone, I might be able to hear you.โ€

This blame-the-victim tactic drives women bat-shit crazy โ€” and for good reason. When your behavior has a negative impact on her, and she responds or reacts to it, and you then make her the problem, youโ€™re doubling down on narcissism. You avoid responsibility for hurting her and blame her for responding to the problem. Itโ€™s cruel.




Want to know more about how narcissism harms relationships? Then check this video out below:

This kind of narcissism tears relationships apart.

Men are generally bigger and stronger than women, and throughout history, men have been responsible for most of the damage done to women. Itโ€™s understandable that women have a natural fear of us โ€” especially when we get big, huffy, demanding, or angry. When confronted by a large raging male, most animals avoid being hurt by employing one of the safe strategies: flee, freeze, or fold. When men act like macho jerks, most women shrink back to become invisible.

If you see your woman folding in on herself, collapsing, or withdrawing from conflict when you bark or yell, your narcissism is doing damage. If you see this in your children, youโ€™re doing significant damage to them. (Get some help, now.)

I learned from my partner that when women blame, shame, or criticize men, itโ€™s usually because the man wonโ€™t listen to them. They then have to escalate the delivery of their message. After a few frustrating attempts at telling you what you did to hurt them, their communication starts to sound and feel like emotional castration.

Beneath their rising anger, women are trying to inform and inspire us to become more kind, loving, and virtuous. Itโ€™s our own block-headedness that gets them so riled up. Itโ€™s as if someone is trying to hand you a gift, and you refuse to accept it, so they start pushing it in your face until you figure out that itโ€™s good for you.

A woman, at her best, is a beacon of the truth. If you hurt her feelings, whether by unconscious mistake or a narcissistic act, she will tell you about it, either verbally, or in non-verbal body language.

The truth is often uncomfortable to hear, but when a woman tells you that sheโ€™s hurt, or someone else is being impacted by your insensitivity, itโ€™s time to button up, quiet down your narcissistic ego, and be humble. In other words, shut up and listen. And if youโ€™ve hurt someone, donโ€™t expect them to be elegant in how they deliver the message.




Related: Narcissus And Echo: The Heartbreak Of Relationships With Narcissists

Love is caring.

This isnโ€™t just an adage โ€” itโ€™s a description of a specific set of behaviors that demonstrate real love.

When you care about the other person, you care about her (or his) needs, and about the impact of your behavior on them.

If you want to be a good man, a loving man, and be initiated into your full masculinity, start caring more about your impact on others. Anything less is an ego protection racket. Listen carefully to your womanโ€™s truth, even if it comes in the form of anger or upset. Sheโ€™s trying to communicate something important.

Be genuinely curious. Ask, โ€œWhat are you feeling upset about? I want to know because I care how you feel.โ€ If you donโ€™t ask, you wonโ€™t get the information you need to improve yourself or love her more deeply.




The isolation of narcissism prevents empathy.

Empathy is a natural ability we were all born with. Itโ€™s โ€œfeeling the feelings of others as if they were your feelings.โ€ But most boys got this emotional talent squeezed or beaten out of them during their upbringing.

Most of us were told, or shown, that itโ€™s โ€œnot manlyโ€ to feel deeply, or cry, or share in the suffering of others. We were expected to be tough, impervious to pain. Too often we were taught how to inflict suffering on others. Empathy is not a valued emotion in competitive sports, military operations, or the cut-throat world of business.

As men, we can re-learn this crucial skill of empathy.

Stretch your awareness out to the other person, and feel what theyโ€™re feeling. You donโ€™t have to agree with the feelings, or even like them โ€” you just have to feel them. When you lower the impervious shield youโ€™ve built to stay invulnerable, you become more willing to feel. This opens you to more of your own suffering and the suffering of others, but it also opens you to compassion and joy.

Related: Narcissistic Relationships

Men who are shut down into egotistical narrowness are missing out on the glory of true masculinity. Full masculinity includes both vulnerabilities as well as strength, the ability to cry as well as laugh, and the ability to feel grief as well as joy. In our full masculinity, we can care more openly, and receive the potent love and wisdom of the feminine.



And by the way โ€” this increased awareness, openness, and care prove useful in business relationships, too. Research shows that compassionate leaders produce better business and financial results, and their employees are more productive. (See Stanfordโ€™s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education for more information.)

It looks like a long journey from narcissism to true love, but it can be accomplished one step at a time.

Care a little more each day. Practice one intentional act of kindness every day. As you care for the well-being and feelings of others, you grow to be more fully human, and certainly more masculine. And the sooner you get there, the better, not just for yourself, but for the women and children whose lives you touch.


Written by Lion Goodman
Originally appeared in The Good Men Project

narcissism harms relationships
Why Narcissism Harms Relationship PIn


— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

9 Toxic Fighting Habits That Are Slowly Killing Your Relationship

Toxic Signs of Unhealthy Arguments You Need to Watch Out For

Every couple argues. Whether itโ€™s about money, chores, or parenting, disagreements are part of any relationship. But when arguments turn into yelling matches, silent treatments, or hurtful words, they can cause more harm than good. These are signs of unhealthy argumentsโ€”ones that push you apart instead of bringing you closer.

Itโ€™s important to remember that you and your partner are two different people. You wonโ€™t always see eye to eye, and thatโ€™s okay. In fact, your differences can help you learn from each other and grow as a couple. But only if you fight in a way thatโ€™s respectful and productive.

When handled the right way, disagreements can actually strengthen your relationship. The key is to listen with an open mind, express yourself without attacking, and work together toward a solution. Of course, thatโ€™s easier said than done. In the heat

Up Next

7 Subtle Signs Youโ€™re Practically Gentle Parenting Your Partner

Clear Signs You Are Parenting Your Partner: Are You?

Do you find yourself in a relationship where you feel less like you’re with a partner and more like you’re raising a child? Constantly teaching, guiding, and hand-holding can be draining, especially when you’re the one doing all the emotional labor, and parenting your partner. 

If this sounds familiar, below are the signs you might be shouldering too much and why it’s time to rethink this relationship.

Read More Here:

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, itโ€™s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isnโ€™t about swooping in like a superhero; itโ€™s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Myths About Gaslighting Exposed: What You Really Need to Know

Myths About Gaslighting Exposed: What You Really Need to Know

Gaslighting is often misunderstood, and myths about gaslighting only adds to the confusion. Understanding this and trying to break down the most common misconceptions can help us uncover the truth about this manipulative behavior.

KEY POINTS

There’s a difference between casual phrases and patterns of manipulative behavior.

Gaslighting can have serious consequences and leave emotional and psychological pain.

Recognizing gaslighters can save you a lot of emotional pain and doubt.

Itโ€™s concerning how certain psychological terms can quickly become f

Up Next

6 Phases Of A Relationship With A Narcissist: The Emotional Rollercoaster

Relationship With A Narcissist Phases Of The Toxic Cycle

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with each phase presenting new challenges and realizations. These phases of a narcissistic relationship leave you questioning your self-worth. Understanding these stages can help you navigate the ups and downs of a narcissistic relationship more effectively.

KEY POINTS

Narcissists may manipulate through observation and charm, creating a false sense of bonding.

These relationships have distinct phases, often involving a gradual, potentially traumatizing end.

Understanding these phases aids in healing and setting boundaries.

Up Next

8 Signs of a Petty Person Thatโ€™ll Have You Saying, โ€œWait, Really?โ€

Signs of Petty Person Thatll Have You Saying Wait Really

Do you ever get that feeling that you are the lead actor in a soap opera you didn’t sign up for? Do you think you are dealing with someone who is petty, by any chance?The signs of a petty person arenโ€™t always neon-lit, but once you spot them, youโ€™ll wonder how you missed it.

From holding grudges longer than your Netflix subscription to being the Sherlock Holmes of social media stalking, petty people have a unique way of spicing up life (not always in a good way).

So how do you know youโ€™re dealing with petty people? Letโ€™s break it down and start with trying to understand who is a petty person.

Related:

Up Next

Othello Syndrome: 7 Signs of Extreme Jealousy In A Relationship

Signs Of Othello Syndrome in Relationship

A small amount of jealousy is normal in any relationship. Some find it an indication of love, but there exists a deeper, more intense feeling that can disrupt peace of mind: Othello Syndrome. 

Some may experience a sinking feeling in their stomach when their partner spends time with their friends, despite assurances. They find themselves obsessively checking their partner’s phone or social media accounts.

So, What Is Othello Syndrome?

This psychiatric condition is a form of morbid or pathological jealousy that can dominate thoughts and actions. It leads a person to make repeated accusations on their partner or spouse, believing that theyโ€™re cheating on them, base