One of the toughest things in life is to recover from being cheated on. If you donโt heal your wounds you will keep punishing the next guy for the last oneโs mistake. This post will help you on this journey.
Recovering from getting cheated on
I lurched awake suddenly at 3 am. I instinctively reach for my phone. No missed calls, no texts. He didnโt call me back. He always calls me back. Heโs cheating on me. Heโs with a girl right now. I am more certain of this factย thanย Iโve ever been about any other aspect of our relationship. We were always on shaky ground. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And now it has.
I donโt want to be right. I really want to be off about this, so I do something that always served me well in my love life, I lean on my remarkable capacity for self-deception. I wake up the next morning and treat it all like a nightmare. It never happened, everything is the same.
So I go about my day, brushing any awful thoughts of being cheated on aside. He and I were in a long-distance relationship for the summer because I was home before starting my senior year of college. While I really loved him, at least I thought it was love at the time, the relationship was unhealthy, codependent, andย horribly toxic.
I didnโt just love him, I needed him. And he needed me. We were basically everything to one another. We didnโt have much going on outside of the relationship and as a result, it felt like he was a part of me, and not in a good way.
I was interning at a magazine that summer and was scrolling through Facebook to pass some time between assignments when I saw something I couldnโt unsee. A girl, a very hot girl, posted on his wall. I tried to find some other explanation, but she was obviously referencing them hanging out together and I just knew.
He called me later that night acting like everything was normal. I wanted to participate in the charade, but I just had to ask.
โSo why didnโt you call me back last night?โ
โI was just hanging out, you know.โ
โHanging out with who?โ
โJust people.โ
โYou were hanging out with a girl.โ
โYes.โ
โAnd you cheated on me,โ
โYes. Iโm so sorry.โ
โI canโt believe you. Never talk to me again.โ I hang up the phone and cue the tears.
We talk again later that night but itโs useless. I want him to beg for my forgivenessโIโm ready to forgive before he even asks for it!โbut he doesnโt. This is the end. He didnโt just cheat on me, heโs leaving me for her. I donโt think Iโve ever experienced anything more painful in my life, not even childbirth.
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I was literally gutted, ripped open from end to end. I didnโt understand how I could function in the world without him. I didnโt know how to recover from being cheated on. It just felt wrong. I walked around constantly sick to my stomach, my world perpetually tilted on an axis to the point I couldnโt even walk in a straight line. It was like I had gone through the looking glass, nothing made any sense without him.
But I knew he would come back. He has to come back. I know everything about him. I know his past, his pain, his demons. Iโve been there for him through everything. I donโt have friends anymore, I donโt have a life anymore, Iโve spent every moment of the past year being there for him and helping him get himself together, how can he survive without me?
A few weeks later Iโm back in Boston to start my senior year. I feel certain that now that weโre back in the same city he will definitely want me back. Itโs like the last time we broke up, he was begging for me back within a few weeks even though he said we should try not to speak for three months. Heโll be back. He will.
But he didnโt come back. Instead, his new girlfriend flaunted their relationship all over social media. And being the masochist that I am, I couldnโt stop myself from tuning in to see the show.
They were making bold declarations of their love for one another, posting pictures in bed together (yes, seriously), of them making silly faces, of them making sexy faces, ofย them,ย wearing matching thick rim glasses because how adorable is that? It was never-ending.
The worst part was he became the man I always wanted him to be โฆ with her. He wouldnโt even call me his girlfriend to other people and here he was flaunting it to the world with her.
He didnโt say he loved me for six months, and he only said it when we were breaking up the first time, and here he was showering her with loud declarations of love after three weeks. He didnโt take me out on fun dates or do anything exciting with me, he just wanted to stay home,ย the orderย in, and mope. What did she have that I donโt have?
I wasnโt only obsessed with him, I was obsessed with her. I needed to know everything about her. Why wasnโt I good enough? And what makes her good enough?
When the questions got to be too much I called him for some answers. I needed closure, I needed to understand. But what a waste of time that was. It was like talking to a cold distant stranger.
All the love he once felt (if it actually existed) was long gone. He just gave me short, โwhat do you want me to tell you?โ answers, followed by sighs of annoyance. If Iย didnโt feel like anythingย before this conversation, I certainly did after.
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The pain was too much. It was unrelenting and suffocating. So I dealt with it the only way my 21-year-oldย self knewย how. I partied like a monster. I mean, take the wildest party girl you know, multiply her by 10 and that was me.
I was on a tear like you wouldnโt believe. I was on a mission. My mission: drink to the point that I canโt feel, and also make every guy in the room ache for me. I didnโt care to hook up. I just neededย themย to want me more than theyโve ever wanted anything. That was my game and I played it well. But oh boy, did it come at a cost.
Soon enough, I discovered that I didnโt need the booze or the boys to feel numb. I was just numb. I was a shell of a person. No more feelings, no more emotions, just black empty darkness. There was a lot of hurt in there, and a lot ofย rages, but I couldnโt feel it anymore. I turned my feelings off and became almost like a vampire.
I came out at night toย prey, got my fix, and then retreated at dawn until the sun went down again. It was a sad and sick way to live. And almost tragic. I was punishing myself for someone elseโs mistake. And why? For what?
I think that breakup was the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome in my life. Looking back, I donโt even know how I got through it. The healing came, but that was after many years of darkness and of needing to undo faulty beliefs that got deeply wired into my psyche, sabotaging me and my love life for many years after.
It was a classic case of whatย notย to do. But I learned a lot, and have used my knowledge to help countless women heal their ravaged hearts.
And with that, here are my tips to recover from being cheated on, theย healthy way:
1. Deal with it
If you want to recover from being cheated on, then donโt run away from your feelings, they will always find you. Donโt shove them to the side or bury them under drugs and alcohol. Donโt self-destruct, because what sense does that make?
My default was always self-destruction and many years later, when trying to overcome yet anotherย heartbreak, I was heading in that direction but finally, a voice of reason kicked in!
I had a sudden epiphany, a mature, responsible voice inside that said: no, not this time. Iโm not going to feel sorry for myself. Iโm going to take care of myself and be healthy. Iโm going to go to the gym instead of the bar.
Iโm going to invest in my relationship with myself so that I learn to like myself again. After that, maybe even loveย me. And it worked! I actually changed for the better and that one resolution put me on the path to actually finding and having a healthy relationship.
So write about it. Talk about it. Maybe talking to your friends and family will be enough, maybe you need to find a good therapist (the right therapist can literally change your life!). And be kind to yourself! Donโt beat yourself up, physically and emotionally. Work on healing, work on being better. And you will surely recover from being cheated on and be able to trust again.
2. Itโs not personal
Believe me, I know it feelsย so personal. He chose her, he didnโt want you, hence, you are not good enough. You are worthless. You are unattractive. You are just plain bad. You will never get what you want in life.
I know how that song goes, Iโve sung it many times over. When you allow these beliefs you get wired in, you ruin yourself. And you blame him for ruining you but it wasnโt him. It was your reaction to what he did that was your undoing. Blaming yourself is an obstacle that doesnโt let you recover from being cheated on.
Honestly, it had nothing to do with you. It was about him. He needed something. Maybe he needed validation, maybe he needed someone shiny and new to worship him, maybe he just needed to feel good about himself, whatever it is, it was his need thatย ledย him to stray, not your lack.
Men donโt usually cheat because they no longer love their partners or find them attractive. Itโs because they need a certain emotional fix. In my relationship, he felt like a worthless loser (these were his words, we talked about thisย a lotย but Iโll get to that later).
I saw his real, raw self and I wanted to take care of him โฆ and in doing so, I kind of became his mommy. I cared for him like he was a little boy and there is nothing sexy about that dynamic.
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Iโm not saying what he did was right, what he did was absolutely awful. But can I sort of understand the appeal for him of having this hot sexy girl who worshipped him and thought he was manly and amazing? Yes, because I didnโt look at him that way anymore.
I looked at him as a problem I needed to solve. And I did care about him deeply, but not in the same way. He had an opportunity to start fresh, to be with someone who inspired him to get his life together (as opposed to me, who made him feel all too comfortable in his misery), and he took it.
Everyone has what they want to give and get from a relationship. Sometimes it isnโt a match โ what you want to give is what he wants to get and vice versa โ and sometimes it isnโt. He and I just werenโt compatible. We werenโt good together. It was always too hard, always full of issues, always so sad and dreary. It just wasnโt a match and thatโs not such a big deal.
So, if you want to recover from being cheated on, then remember itโs not personal.
3. Donโt punish the next guy for the last oneโs mistake
This is probably the number one question I get from women who have been cheated on: how can I trust again? And itโs not easy to trust a new guy when the last one left you absolutely shattered. But hereโs the thing, you will never get the love you want unless you are able to open yourself back up again.
Try to get to the root of what went wrong in your last relationship. What red flags did you ignore? In what ways was the relationship not right for you? What qualities should a long-term partner have?
Trust starts with you. Itโs not that you donโt trust men anymore, itโs that you donโt trust your own judgment. If you can really get to the root of what went wrong, and what you would do differently next time, then you will be better able to trust your judgment going forward.
You canโt punish the next guy for the last oneโs mistakes. This just isnโt fair. Try as best you can to start anew. If you need to take things more slowly this time, thatโs totally fine. As you get more comfortable with the new guy, be open and honest about your pain.ย
Vulnerabilityย is scary, but this is how we emotionally connect so itโs important to let the vulnerability out in doses you are comfortable with. Else, you will never recover from being cheated on and continue to have trust issues.
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4.ย ย Choose wisely
This ties into the previous point. The best way to recover and trust again and find lasting love is to choose wisely. Iโm not blaming you for what happened. But chances are, you saw some red flags of being cheated on but chose to ignore them.
We all have the power to choose. This is what determines if we recover from being cheated on and get the love we want or not.
I chose poorly and I knew it, I just couldnโt pry myself away. I did what all of us do when weโre entangled in toxic relationships. I clung to the belief that it would get better, and someday everything would be different. As soon as he starts doing better in his career โฆ as soon as his depression lifts โฆ As soon as the stress of our daily lives subsides a bit โฆย thenย everything will be perfect.
I never could trust him. In the back of my mind, I always knew he would leave for someone else. I always knew I was a placeholder, but who wants to admit something so awful and painful? So I didnโt admit it. I chose not to look at how things were in the present moment and fantasized about what they could be in the future. And boy was my fantasy future off base!
5. Stop waiting for closure
When you wait for the closure to come, you just keep yourself in a holding pattern. And, that doesnโt help you to recover from being cheated on. You donโt let yourself move forward. You convince yourself that you need this magical closure to open the gates that will allow you to enter the next phase of your life.
Maybe you need answers, maybe you need an explanation. Maybe you think these things are owed to you. But the closure rarely comes, unless you want to wait a really long time. You donโt need him to give you an explanation of why he did what he did.
Even if he does, the answer will never satisfy you. Heโll either give you some half-truth to spare your feelings, or heโll give you the real truth and this will just hurt you.
Sometimes closure is just running into him at the grocery store and not feeling the urge to call your best friend immediately and re-hash every single detail. Just like you have the power to choose, you have the power to close the loop.
So what happened to him and her? Well, they broke up after less than two years together. Around that time, I reached out to him to get my closure. We had a very long closure talk, but I didnโt learn anything new. He just confirmed what I knew all along so I wasted over two years of my life convinced that I canโt move on until closure came.
And then we started a website together (donโt even ask how we got from point A to Z, but if you really want to know I can write a different article about that!) And so a business was born, a website about relationships written by a set of exes.
It was hard and complicated and crazy. Feelings were resurrected from the dead, stupid mistakes were made, but thatโs all ancient history now. Since Iโve worked so closely with him over the last decade, I know without a doubt he was not, and never was and never would be, the right guy for me.
I guess I was lucky in that way because I was able to truly see that it was all for the best. That our relationship ending in such a spectacularly dramatic and devastating way was how it needed to happen.
The point is, you canโt panic in the middle of a sentence. You need to keep going and I promise, one day the clarity and the closure will come. In the meantime, be your best self. Take care of yourself. Donโt punish yourself and adopt negative, destructive beliefs. Know that one day you will find love and happiness and you will be so grateful that you didnโt end up with the guy who broke your heart into a million pieces.
How did you recover from being cheated on? Share your thoughts in the comments below. We are happy to hear from you.
Written by: Sabrina Alexis
Originally appeared on: Thought Catalog
Follow Sabrina onย Instagramย and subscribe to her YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/anewmodechannel
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