Weโve all been there, weโre talking to someone and we donโt know where to take it, wondering how to keep it going and ran into awkward silence thereafter. Do you always end up with small talks? And then regret โI wish I could keep the conversation goingโ?
โI donโt know what to say.โ
โI donโt have anything to add to the conversation.โย
โIโm probably bothering them.โ
โMy mind just goes blank.โ
โNobody asked my opinion.โ
I hear these statements a lot from my clients.ย
So I thought Iโd share a tip for keeping a conversation going (which is arguably harder than starting a conversationโitโs so easy to let it trail off, like a car on empty rolling to a stop.)
Raise your hand if this has happened to you:ย
Your colleague:ย Good morning. How was your weekend?
You:ย It was great.ย
Both of you:ย [awkward silence]
I know you canโt see me, but my hand is up. Therefore, try this instead:
When youโre on the listening side of the conversation, listen for a โhook.โ A hook isย anythingย that piques your interest, reminds you of something else, elicits a question, or that you can relate to. Youย get the point.ย It can beย anyย part of whatโs being saidโthe bar is low.
Read The Art of Conversation: 25 Great Conversation Starters
Hereโs an example ofย listeningย for a hook:
You to your colleague:ย Good morning. How was your weekend?
Your colleague:ย Great. My husband and I did some work on my dadโs place.
Okay, perfect! You now have a bunch of hooks at your disposal. Maybe you heardย husband,ย work,ย dad, orย placeย as the hook.
Read 48 Deep Conversation Starters To Know Someone Better
Whatever part of that sentence your brain grabbed onto, you can toss it back with a related response:
- Niceโare you the DIY-er or is your husband?ย
- Thatโs coolโwhat did you work on?
- Oh, niceโIโm thinking of doing some remodeling on my place but knowing where to start is always a challenge.
- Thatโs excellentโdo you see your dad often?
- My dadโs place could use some workโheโs lived there for 40 years so you can imagine how full the basement is.
- Great. Does your dad live locally or did you have to travel?
- Thatโs awesome that you do it yourselfโI put caulk around my tub several rental apartments ago, but thatโs the end of my skills.ย
Whatever you toss back,ย offerย a โhook.โ Ask them a question or offer up something about youโwhat you think, do, feel, remember, or relate to.ย
Big asterisk: If you tend to be a question-asker, push yourself to talk about yourself a bit more. Itโs common for those of us who are on the quiet or shy side to hold our lives close to the vest. We think weโll annoy people by talking about ourselves, that we have to deliver a 100% relevant comment, or we just donโt know what to say.ย
Read 50 Red Hot Conversation Starters To Spice Up Your Date
But what ends up happening is weโre hard to get to know. We make people work for any information they get from us. And not everyone is willing to do that. In addition, we inadvertently send the message that weโre cold, distant, aloof, or simply donโt want to talk, when really itโs anxiety getting in the way.
Therefore, try out talking more about yourself. Telling your conversation partner about yourself fills in their picture of you with brighter colors, making you more familiar, more likable, and more trusted.
For example, hereโs how you mightย offerย a hook when youโre speaking:
Your colleague:ย How was your weekend?
You:ย It was great. Iโฆย
(choose one:)
- Took the kids fishing.
- Made my annual pumpkin bread.
- Finally finished this book Iโve been reading.
- Took my dog to get groomed.
- Went to the farmerโs market on Sunday and got some amazing apples.
- Saw a parade of tuba players wearing tutus march by as I got my morning coffee on Saturday.
There. No matter what you picked, you gave them something to work with. They can expand on what you said, such asโฆ
- Oh really? Where do you go fishing around here?
- My mother used to make the best pumpkin bread, but then she went paleo, to my chagrin.
- What book?
- I didnโt know you had a dog. What kind do you have?
- There is a great farmerโs market just a couple blocks from my houseโlast time I was there they had Rubinette apples, which I had never heard of before.
- Well, thatโs a new one. Iโll have to try your coffee shop.
Then, listen for a hook in whatever they offered. Itโs like tossing a ball back and forth. And just like tossing a ball back and forth, it gets easier the more you do it.
Now, if you offer a hook, is your conversation partner guaranteed to pick it up? No, they may just leave it there: โOh.โ Or, โCool.โ But thatโs okay. As we toss the ball back and forth, sometimes it gets dropped. Itโs not a big deal. We just pick it up and try again later, or, if youโre willing, try again right away.
Read How to Connect Deeply With Almost Anyone In 10 Seconds Flat
Listening for and offering hooks might feel clunky and unnatural at first. It might feel like it moves too fast. But you donโt have to do it perfectly. And at some point you wonโt have to think consciously about itโitโll be second nature to riff on everything from dogs to apples to tutus.
Apply this conversation hack and let me know how it works for you.
Do you want to conquer social anxiety and want to be your true self? Then, How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, would be the best book to read.
Written by: Ellen Hendriksen
Originally appeared on: Ellen Hendriksen
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