The difference between need and want goes through various levels of netting. Happiness is always subjective, but safety and belonging are things all humans desire after their basic needs of food and shelter are met. Well, itโs not us but according to Maslow. This belongingness comes from the human desire to feel seen, loved, and understood.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is by holding space for them.
I believe that every human being has the desire;
To be seen โ without judgment.
To be heard โ without advice.
To be loved โ without conditions.
Let Me Explain.
I believe love is the energy that is created between people when they can feel seen, heard, and valued โ when they can give and revise without judgment.
โ โ
One of the biggest lessons Iโve learned is that most people arenโt looking for advice/a to fix/a a repair. They want to be seen and heard, in their NOW. The problem with the well-intentioned support, we often miss the important part โ allowing people to be heard, seen, and witnessed in their experience โ even and especially when it is very painful.
It isnโt in the fixing or advising, but in the witnessing without judgment and holding space for whatever shows up at that moment that things begin to shift.
By holding space for the other, we can actually foster their ability to work through their own story. By simply being with their pain (without taking it over). Witnessing without trying to judge/fix/change anything is a skill that can prevent us from immediate reaction to responding from a calm/nourishing/compassionate place.
But Most People Canโt Do This. Why?
Because weโre wired to take. To want. To seek from others. We donโt want to accept someoneโs opinions and worldviews if they donโt match ours. Especially if we care about them. So we try to convince, control, and manipulate. Maybe not in an obvious way. It can be very subtle. Most likely, weโre not even aware weโre doing it. But we are. We judge.
But What Does It Really Mean To โHold Spaceโ?
It means to meet someone where theyโre at without judgment. To donate your ears and heart without wanting anything back. To practice empathy and compassion. Itโs our attempt at giving a person the physical and mental space that they need in the present moment, to accept someoneโs truth, without pushing them into anything.
To allow and accept. Embrace with two hands instead of pointing with one finger. To come in neutral. Open. For them โ not you. Holding space is kindness and empathy in action.
โ โ
It is in this space that we feel seen and understood. We know that we have the power to heal ourselves and that whoever is in this space with us will be there to see it through. My definition of holding space is the process of witnessing and validating someone elseโs emotional state while simultaneously being present to your own.
Our biggest challenge when we deal with someone feeling sadness, grief, anxious is to change our mindset from โI need to help him fix thisโ to โI am here with you, youโre safe with me, I know itโs hard, I am listeningโ.
I think, holding space is the biggest gift we can give others. And itโs 100% FREE (yay!)โ โ
Related: What Does Being In Love Actually Feel Like?
Holding Space Is A Gift We Can Give With Our Hearts.
I fully believe that being heard, seen, and witnessed without judgment is one of the most healing experiences we can have and provide for one another. Feeling seen, heard, appreciated, and loved are by far some of our biggest human needs. They diffuse resentment, tension, and stress. They create connections in moments where we feel burnt out, lonely, lost, and unappreciated.
I believe holding space is the art of staying present with what is. If we truly want to support people in their own growth we canโt do it by taking their power away (trying to fix their problems), shaming them (implying that they should know more than they do), or overwhelming them (giving them more information than theyโre ready for).
We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when itโs needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes. โ โ
So I invite you: the next time you find yourself wanting to fix something for others, try to stay present with what is!
With a whole lot of love and gratitude, as always.
Nila
Check out Nila Conzenโs Instagram and Facebook page for more beautiful and thought-provoking writings.
Written By Nila Conzen Originally Appeared In About The Good Life
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