Every relationship goes through different stages. From new love to lasting love, relationships go through five phases. Knowing what stage you are in, can help you to navigate the 5 stages of a relationship and find true love.
My daughter-in-law qualified for the Boston Marathon by running in a local marathon, making it by an amazing three seconds! She was really hurting the last five miles. A stranger saw her and began to walk run alongside her, subtly encouraging her.
She could hardly speak but managed to whisper that it was helping. And it wasnโt long before she was able to dig deep again and find whatever that thing is that drives a person to persevere to cross a finish line.
Itโs similar to relationships: passing through stages, getting support along the way, digging deep inside for answers and staying-power, and making it to the finish line called โreal love.โ
Whatโs the secret to getting through the stages? I recently published a book on relationships. And while writing it, I asked a woman in her 20s whether her generation would read a book on relationships.
She said, โNo, theyโre confident that they already know what they need.โ Then I asked a man in his 30s whether his generation would read a book on relationships. And he said, โNo, theyโll just switch partners.โ I thought about stopping my writing. Even my son said to me, โMom, just give it to me in one sentence.โ
So hereโre the 5 Stages of a Relationshipย
Stage One: Romance
When my husband, Ron, and I began our relationship, I was helping to renovate a building and spending a lot of time in the attic, shoveling old insulation into garbage bags. Since we were in the romance phase, Ron was ecstatically happy to help me with the shovel.
So we turned on music and danced on the beams. He wrote poems for me, and he learned to play โGeorgia on My Mindโ on a borrowed guitar. We jumped in the ocean with our clothes on. Even shopping for groceries together felt mystical.
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Stage one is the romantic phase. At this point, falling in love is amazing, and we feel complete. We canโt get enough of each other. And neither of us can do anything wrong. Life is perfect, and weโre uncharacteristically positive. Weโre both on our best behavior because we only want to impress and please each other.
We let our defenses down. โFinally, someone who understands me!โ Whatโs wrong with this wonderful picture? If we build a relationship with the calculated behavior presented during the romance phase, instead of who the person really is, weโll be surprised when we meet the rest of the person.
Would you like to understand relationships scientifically? Watch out for world-renowned relationship expert John Gottman explaining the science of love.
Stage Two: Reality Check
Once, when Ron and I argued, he walked out of the driveway to take a short time-out. And he just kept walking โ through the night along a country road for eighteen miles to a friendโs house! He expected me to come looking for him, but thatโs not my style. The next morning, the friend called to let me know that he was OK.
Ron expected me to come to get him, but thatโs not my style either. Eventually, he got a ride home, we talked it out, and he admitted that it had been pretty scary, walking through the pitch-dark, especially when heโd crossed the bridge and could hear, but not see, the river rushing below. Funny guy. He shouldโve been way more worried about the possibility of a copperhead warming itself on the asphalt.
Out of the 5 stages of a relationship, stage two is a reality check. Now we wonder, โWhat happened to the person I first knew?โ Of course, weโre no longer in a relationship with that person because now weโre interacting with the flaws that werenโt visible through our romance filter. Surprise! โThis person has flaws!โ What was cute in the beginning is now annoying. Weโre often frustrated, and we have painful disagreements.
A helpful tip for stage two: Examine whether itโs possible to say to your partner: โI accept you just as you are, and you donโt need to change to meet my expectations.โ
Related โ Unconditional Love: Itโs About Accepting Your Partner The Way They Are never trying to change them
Stage Three: Power Struggle
Itโs important to know that we donโt graduate through these 5 stages of relationships, never to return. Instead, we pop in and out of them. Sometimes, all five in the course of the day! Iโm American, and Ronโs from Amsterdam. We spend several months apart each year because we have children on two continents.
Recently, we argued long distance, and then we didnโt speak for five days, which was really weird because we normally connect several times a day when weโre apart. On the fifth day, I was talking with a mutual friend who had just spoken to Ron.
I had that pubescent gut-reflex response โ the one you get when someone knows more about whatโs going on with your boyfriend or girlfriend than you do, and you feel like you got punched in the stomach. It felt like high school. And it motivated me to start the repair process. So I made the first move. I called Ron, we talked it out, and everything was OK again.
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Taking a time-out is usually about processing, but it can easily spiral down destructively if not checked. Stage three is where disappointment turns into distress. We all want focused energy from our partners, and when they go on autopilot, weโll do something to wake them up. And most of us know exactly what our partners canโt tolerate and which emotional missiles to fire at them.
If our self-worth is strong, weโll be kind. But if not โ look out! Small annoyances are now big issues that remind us of childhood traumas and unresolved issues weโve dragged along into adulthood. Hidden agendas are revealed, which turn into power struggles. We feel trapped, so resentments build. We think about divorce for the first time. Stage three may seem unbearable, but it can last decades.
Stage Four: Resignation and Automaticity
Stage four is the most crucial of the 5 stages of a relationship!!! Stage four is where resignation and automaticity are fixtures. At least there are fewer fights. Thereโs less friction, and differences are less threatening. Weโve both settled into autopilot, taking each other for granted and repeating unconscious mistakes.
Thereโs a sense of loss, and weโve let go of the fantasy of ever experiencing butterflies or rushes again. We no longer feel exclusive with each other, so weโve re-established old friendships and outside interests. Thereโs the probability of giving up and drifting apart, mainly due to boredom from the predictability.
Since Ron and I spend months apart, people sometimes ask us how we keep our relationship healthy and secure. It would be easy to slip into autopilot and let our connection fade away from lack of energy. But we purposefully go in the other direction. We accept that our relationship is nontraditional, and we view that as a plus rather than a problem.
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We keep our relationship as our first priority, even when weโre apart. And we donโt take each other for granted. When weโre together, thereโs excitement and appreciation, and when weโre apart, thereโs anticipation. We both know that real love is not limited. Stage four is crucial; itโs either stalemate or a soulmate!
Stage Five: New Awareness
Iโm a big fan of a technique called Marathon Talking. Two people set themselves apart from their normal routines, and they take turns talking for 48 hours. One talks for 24 hours while the other listens, and then they switch places. It sounds extreme, but it really works. Most people experience greater trust, understanding, and acceptance, and they gain a new perspective.
Iโve done four marathons over the years, including one with my first husband after our divorce, and one with Ron before our wedding. Ron thought it would be a good idea to bring along photos of his past girlfriends to share. Not a good idea! He made me laugh a lot though, and the experience gave us a point of reference for how to communicate well on a daily basis.
Stage five is where real love finally wins, and weโve made a commitment to not settle for less. With everything we say or do, caring for each other is our first priority. We accept each otherโs weaknesses, we collaborate to overcome challenges, and we never again blame our partner for being wrong.
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We donโt require him or her to do something or to be something in order to win our acceptance and approval. We are supportive best friends, and we back each otherโs interests. Being together is based on shared purpose rather than need. And we share a joint vision of the future.
A helpful tip for stage five: Acknowledge that you and your partner are both right and no one is wrong and that your interests cannot conflict because whatever is good for either of you is good for both of you.
I have some friends who are always in stage five. They never become frustrated with each other. They have a fabulous ability to laugh their way to agreement or disagreement โ they donโt really seem to care which.
Whatโs their secret? They like themselves โ which makes it possible to like each other. Whatโs most important to know about maintaining stage five? If we donโt love ourselves, no one else will. Not because weโre not loveable, but because itโs not possible.
Related โ How To Navigate The Stages of Love and Build A Healthy Relationship
Are you ready for the 5 stages of a relationship? Is there anyone maintaining stage five? Comment and let us know.
Written By Grace de Rond Originally Appeared On The Goodmen Project
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What is the honeymoon phase of a relationship?
The honeymoon phase is the early phase of a relationship and can last for two years. In this period, everything seems exciting known as New Relationship Energy.ย
What are the 5 stepping stones in a relationship?
The 5 stepping stones of a relationship are โ 1. Love, 2. Trust, 3. Honesty, 4. Support, 5. Communication
How long should the dating stage last?
The dating stage of a relationship typically stays for three months.
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