What’s Your Conflict Style? 6 Styles Of Engaging In Conflict

The way you handle arguments and disagreements can say a lot about who you are as a person; everyone has their own style of approaching and grappling with difficult conversations, including you.

Key Points:
Many people have one particular "conflict style" that informs how they approach most disagreements—they may avoid all conflict, for example, or have a tendency to attack.
While there is likely a genetic component to conflict styles, they are deeply informed by sociocultural influences, education, and past experiences with disagreement.
Identifying your dominant "conflict style" and where it came from—with the help of a therapist, if necessary—can help you unlearn unhealthy approaches to disagreement.

Even though conflict is a normal part of our human experience, many of us don’t give a lot of critical thought to the ways we approach conflict and difficult conversations. Whether we realize it or not, each of us has a style of engaging conflict. Digging into our personal styles can be an enlightening experience that leads to greater self-awareness. It can also help us set new goals for personal growth.

Six Styles Of Engaging Conflict

  • Which style, or styles, do you identify with most?
  • If you identify with more than one style, what situations determine which style you lean into?

1. Avoidants:

People who are avoidants tend to run for the hills at any sign of trouble. They might feel deeply uncomfortable even at the slightest mention of a raised voice. Most or all conflict feels like a threat, and avoidants will want to retreat and may feel a sense of panic when they are not allowed to.

Many times, conflict for an avoider festers and will go nuclear—either implode or explode because it’s not dealt with in a timely manner.

Related: Why Your Man Always Seems To ‘Shut Down’ During An Argument

2. Brawlers:

Brawlers like to throw their dukes up and often blur the line between fighting fair and swinging below the belt. Often intensely competitive, brawlers can also perceive intense threat in conflict; that’s why they want to win and overpower the threat before it gets the upper hand.

Brawlers can cause a lot of damage to themselves and others because in the heat of the moment they aren’t thinking about the impact of their words and actions.

conflict styles

3. Conciliators:

While being conciliatory is not necessarily always bad, conciliators tend to want to rush through difficult emotions and uncomfortable situations, resolving the issues as quickly as possible—even if that means putting a “band-aid” on the matter.

While conciliators mean well, the haste to “fix” can lead to drastic long-term consequences for communication and relationships. It can also have negative consequences for the conciliator, who might sacrifice themselves or their needs in order to make the conflict go away.

4. Debaters:

Some of us tend to intellectualize conflict and dive into lengthy ideological dialogues when we experience conflict. While healthy debate is important, there are two risks in being a debater: 1) to get so heady with a set of issues that we ignore our emotions and lived experience, and 2) we focus on winning the debate and being the smartest person in the room, ignoring the fact that not everyone is skilled or trained in debate, and not everyone is good at having these conversations in the heat of the moment.

Unless both parties have agreed to a formal debate with ground rules, debaters can lack vulnerability, get lost in technicalities, and lean into power imbalances that are not helpful.

Related: 5 Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse

5. Devil’s Advocates:

Devil’s advocates value disagreement for disagreement’s sake. In one sense, this is a healthy way to approach conflict; a healthy devil’s advocate who works from a place of empathy uses this ability to bring up issues or perspectives that need to be considered.

An unhealthy devil’s advocate will often lack vulnerability, like a debater. They may never be willing to come to any kind of consensus because they enjoy being a contrarian. This is often highly frustrating to the people around them and can erode relationships.

6. Cooperatives:

Understanding that conflict is a natural part of life and resolving it is uncomfortable but necessary, cooperatives take their time with conflict. They seek to humanize the “other side,” and even if they can’t reach a consensus or agreement, they do what they can to carefully work through things with all parties involved.

They practice emotional regulation so they don’t have to run away or fight when they experience uncomfortable feelings. They are not afraid to share hard truths or set boundaries, and they seek the health and safety of the long-term relationship.

Where Do Our Conflict Styles Come From?

While there’s no way to break down an exact ratio of nature vs. nurture in this arena, there are many factors that inform our conflict style. These factors include:

Nature

  • Personality and body chemistry

Nurture (Socialization)

  • Social location—where you are in the world (race/class/gender/ethnicity/ability) and the complex cultural influences that impact these identities
  • Family systems—the roles you play(ed) in your family of origin
  • Past experiences with conflict—either positive, negative, or traumatic
  • Education—what we are taught, directly
  • Modeling—what we learn indirectly from parents, role models, and our community
  • Media consumption—what we watch and listen to
  • The stakes—the impact that conflict or set of issues has on our lives

Are We “Stuck” With Our Conflict Style?

No! That’s the good news. Our conflict styles are largely learned—which means they can be unlearned. Realizing that we have an unhealthy or unhelpful conflict style can be humbling. We can’t change the past, but we can create better patterns for ourselves and our relationships moving forward.

Related: 10 Tips For Constructive Arguments With Your Loved One

Once you are aware of your conflict style(s), take some time to:

1. Unearth the personal history that caused you to learn that style. Therapy can be a vital help in this process.

2. Identify which new style(s) you would like to learn or lean toward.

3. Work on building new skills that align with your goals.

For more helpful free tools and resources, check out bravetalkproject.com. This article was adapted from Brave Talk: Building Resilient Relationships in the Face of Conflict (Broadleaf Books, 2020).

Contact Melody at melodystanfordmartin.com. for such informative articles.


Written By Melody Stanford Martin  
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today  
What Your Conflict Style Pin
What's Your Conflict Style Pin

— Share —

, ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love

Neurodivergent Love Languages

All minds are not wired the same way to express and show love. For those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, affection might look a bit different. Below are five neurodivergent love languages to help you understand love from a different perspective!

We know about Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, but these languages aren’t designed for neurodiverse individuals – who express care and affection differently. Sometimes their loved ones don’t recognize how they share their feelings, or why they act like they do.

So, let’s take a look at ADHD and autistic love languages, which might take on different forms to show how they like to receive affection.

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, it’s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

10 Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy: Why She’s the Best Girlfriend You’ll Ever Have

Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy

Dating a tomboy brings an exciting mix of fun, friendship, and romance. When you’re dating a tomboy, you’re in for a relationship that’s refreshingly different. She’s someone who’s down-to-earth, ready for adventure, and brings out the best in everyone around her.

From shared hobbies to spontaneous plans, being with her is all about enjoying life without pretenses or drama.

If you’re curious about what makes her such an amazing partner, here are 10 surprising perks that prove dating a tomboy might just be the best decision you’ll ever make!

Related: 10 Things You Need To Know If Yo

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What I

Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

So let’s learn how the universe