Do narcissists always return to former victims?
Yes, we do. There are two essential ingredients that govern this.
1. Have you triggered the potential for us to hoover you? This means that you have entered one of our spheres of influence. You may have telephoned us, or we saw you across the street or you just happened to pop in our mind; and
2. Are the conditions right for executing the hoover? This means can we contact you easily enough? Will we get fuel from you? What are your defenses like? Are there any obstacles? What type of narcissist is considering hovering you? (We have different cognitive ability, differing levels of malice and energy)
I make repeated mention of how we always come back for more. This of course is the brilliance of the hoover. Some people struggle to comprehend that we will always keep returning for more fuel if the opportunity arises.
Why would we not?
We love fuel. We love your fuel (after all that was why you were chosen as the primary source) and even better we love the hoover fuel which you provide. The hoover serves many functions. First and foremost, it provides us with fuel. It is also a means of exerting control, seeing how the land lies for potential further machinations, a means of preventing you moving forward, a means of hindering your understanding, a method of reinforcing our superiority, dominance, and omnipotence. It serves these functions and many more. Hoovers take place throughout the dance with our kind, but most possible associate them with the aftermath, the period following escape or more likely discard.
Related: Are Narcissists Predictable? The Playbook They Use To Manipulate You
Three reasons why narcissists always return to former victims:
When we look at the hoover in such a scenario when we come back for more, we do so for one of the following three reasons: –
1. To draw you back into the relationship again so that the whole narcissistic cycle can begin once more;
2. To hurt you. We don’t want the formal relationship again but we want to remind you of how worthless you are and thus we aim to hurt you through this form of hoover;
3. To draw some positive fuel (it may be a drop or it maybe lashings of it) but we do not want the formal relationship to start again or indeed ever, but we know you provide delicious hoover fuel so we will keep coming back for more.
We do not do enough to recommence the formal relationship but we certainly extract some fuel from you. It might be a text, it may be a telephone call or personal visit, but it is passing. It may only take a moment or an afternoon, but it is temporary and then having extracted the fuel we will withdraw again (only to appear at some later stage). The formal relationship does not begin again.
Related: 8 Tricks Narcissists Play To Manipulate Their Victims
It is this third maneuver (which is a benign follow-up hoover) which often confuses people. You can understand hoovering to start the relationship again. You can understand lashing out at us and being nasty because hey, after all, we are Grade A Bastards, aren’t we? However, why make the effort to gain some fuel and then withdraw again? It may be because we have a reliable primary source in place but cannot resist a slurp of the hoover fuel. It may happen because circumstance makes it too good to resist and that opens the door for narcissists to return to their former victims.
There are several factors but one of the chief factors why narcissists return to former victims is the role which you are allocated post escape/discard. The application of the benign follow-up hoover which does not seek the restoration of the formal relationship relies on you conforming to a particular role and the fuel which flows from it. There are many different roles that can be assigned to you at this point, but here are ten of them.
10 roles that you mostly play when narcissists hoover you:
1. The Wish You Well
Whenever narcissists hoover you, you ask with your well-known decency how we are faring, you ask about our progress workwise, our health, and about all other matters. You do so with that goodness of heart and nature for which you as an empathic person is famed and whilst there is no torrent of raging emotion, your kindness and compassion still fuel us. You may well have largely moved on from us, but you are unable to sever all ties. You know not to go back but you cannot help but always want to hear that we are doing good and that you can accordingly wish us well.
2.The Optimist
This contact gives you hope that there might be a return to the golden period. You do not push it since you know how this can cause us to react, but you are receptive to our advance, pleased, no delighted to hear from us and you engage with enthusiasm, trying to keep your pulsating heart under control. You see each time we “drop by” as the possibility that this time we sweep you in our arms and take you back once more. Each time you are disappointed but this does not dim your hope and optimism, perhaps next time will be the time?
Related: 3 Dead Giveaways Of How Narcissists Act In Romantic Relationships
3.The Guilty
You feel bad that the relationship did not work out and you blame yourself as much (if not more) than us for its demise. Your status as a love devotee means that you still believe that love will conquer all and you spend your time apologizing for what you did that was wrong and that which you did not do right. Of course, we do nothing to cause you to think any different, enjoying your self-flagellation which always rises to the surface whenever we get in touch.
Are you ready for the narcissist hoover? Watch this video to know how Narcissist will always return for your fuel:
4.The Navel Gazer
You are obsessed with understanding who you are and regard your interaction as an integral part of that. You want our views and opinions on your introspection and use any contact from us as an opportunity to invite us to comment about you, no matter how brutal it might be. You believe that you are unable to establish who you truly are without understanding the nature of your relationship with us and each occasion that we reach out to your again provides you with an opportunity to engage for the purpose of finding these answers. Your reliance on us is both edifying and fuelling.
5.The Healer
You will not let go of the notion that we can be fixed and any interaction between us results in you resuming the mantle of being that healer, putting our interests ahead of your own with the inevitable fuel which arises from your compassion and kind-hearted behavior. This makes it easy for narcissists to return to their former victims.
6.The Nymph
You hate us for what we did but the sex was oh so good and you cannot resist the lure of a late-night text for some sexual interaction in the hope that it might lead to a tussle between the sheets again. You maintain that all you want is sexual gratification and adopting this stance is a form of payback for us, but your engagement with us through sexting and flirtation provides narcissists with the hoover fuel that we want.
Related: Why Do You Keep Attracting Narcissists and How to Avoid Getting Involved With Them
7.The Tourniquet
You are not a tourniquet but you need one. You cannot work out what has happened and every engagement is a fuel-filled questioning session as to why did we do what we did, why did we hurt you, why did we say those things, why did we mess around and such like. The pain remains raw and the fuel that flows from it is too good to resist. That’s another great opportunity for narcissists hoover.
8.The Old Reliable
You know you should ignore us but you cannot. Those messages we send are like a nagging itch and you need to scratch so badly. Of course, we know this and we regard you as a reliable source of narcissists hoover fuel. All we need to do is send a message and you will respond in some form or another, you cannot help yourself.
Related: 3 Sneaky Techniques Narcissists Use to Gain Attention
9.The Contender
You want back in and you are going to prove to us how damn fine you are and what an a-hole we are for letting you go in the first place. You will tell us just how good you will be for us, what you will do and how we will never get anybody better than you as you do your utmost to convince us that you should come back into our arms. Even if we rebuff you, you will not give up because your desire to be our intimate partner is huge and so with it is the fuel that you provide.
10.The Burning Oil Well
Your flow of fuel just cannot be shut off. Red Adair would never be able to snuff out the flames and cap the oil well. You are angry, seething, furious at the way you have been treated and you hate us. You absolutely hate us. Each time we reach out to you, you seize the opportunity to vent your anger at us, insulting us, labeling us and going on like some crazed harpy. You think it will upset us but you don’t understand the nature of the fuel and whilst we may argue back it is all done to keep this blazing fuel flowing.
Are you or do you know any of your friends playing any of these ten roles? Then you are providing that fuel for narcissists to return to former victims.
You can read more about the triggers for hoovers and the circumstances in which they may happen and the reasons for that on my blog which has a wealth of information about how we behave and think. Knowing the Narcissist
Written by:HG Tudor
Originally appeared on: Quora
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