Dedicated to men who feel alone and want to be alone but not wanting to be lonely
The reason why we keep our feelings to ourselves is that we cannot explain them. There is nobody who knows what thoughts go through your mind when youโre sad or happy. But being alone doesnโt mean that youโre going to be forever alone, because someone out there will find you. But before that stop accepting the feeling of being alone forever as a reality, youโre not designed for that, nobody is.
3:04 am.
This is the hour your mind processes years of rejection. Never fitting in growing up, low self-esteem at the lunch table in middle school. Punched holes in the wall and tears on the pillow case. You analyze how you could have texted that girl differently who stopped responding. The day hasnโt even begun, and youโre already exhausted.
Whatโs the point? Why even get out of bed? Why even fucking try when you feel like youโve been trying your whole life, only to be met by a slap in the face?
The easy answer is,ย โIt gets get better.โ
But what if it has to get worse first?
What if youโre supposed to get rejected 100 more times before you get a girlfriend? What if you have to go on 10 more shitty first dates before you get a second date? Would you still do it?
Itโs tempting to go for a quick fix. Alcohol, drugs, level another World of Warcraft character to 100, look up articles on the internet, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat.
What does it take for awakening? Whereโs our movie scene where our best friend comes in, flips the bed over, and tells us itโs time to go out there and kick some fucking ass?
Sometimes you get an awakening. Sometimes you have to snap yourself out of it.
In The Darkest Hour, You Still Have A Choice.
In the book,ย Manโs Search for Meaning,ย Viktor E. Frankl talks about his experience living in a concentration camp. Even in the darkest of hours, the prisoners still managed to chose how they dealt with their circumstances.
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedomsโto choose oneโs own attitude in any given set of circumstancesโto choose oneโs own way. โ Viktor E. Frankl
For you, maybe that means you go for a walk for 20 minutes today instead of spending time looking at pointless YouTube videos to try to numb yourself.
Schedule lunch with a friend. One who makes you laugh. Tell him you are having a hard time getting a date so he can make a joke about it.
Sign up for an improv class. Learn to get outside of yourself instead of constantly sitting with your thoughts.
Read The Dark Side Of Loneliness
Focus On One Thing At A Time.
Anyone can shake off one bad day. But a series of bad days? If youโve gotten to the point where you think,ย โIโm going to be alone forever.โ Then youโve had a series of bad days. Iโve been there, multiple times.
To shake off a series of bad days, you have to have a series of good days. A series of good days start with one good day. One good day starts with making one better decision than yesterday.
That means breaking habits that donโt serve you. Cut out friends who bring you down. Put the bottle down. Get exercise. No more soda. Start a journal. Meditate. Think of all the things you are grateful for. Pick one. Do that for a week, then pick something else.
Over time youโve slowly made several better decisions that take the weight off feeling like shit all the time. The time you used to spend sulking in your own misery has been replaced by a group workout class. The time you wanted to eat a whole pizza alone and watch Iย reruns has been replaced by going on a walk with your neighbor.
Build Yourself.
This isnโt referred to enough in the dating world, but having a life outside of dating is incredibly important. Thereโs a huge difference between a woman turning you down when you are:
- Healthy
- Have friends
- Have a decent job
- Have fun hobbies
- Are happy
Than when you are:
- Depressed and looking for someone to fill the void.
The โnoโ will feel like a slight sting if you have your life together. The โnoโ will feel like the world is going to end when you are depressed and lonely.
So much dating advice is packaged as, โSay this, do thatโ because itโs a quick fix. Telling someone to take a look at all the areas of their life and slowly build them up doesnโt sell, and itโs not sexyโbut itโs one of the most important parts of being attractive to women.
Read How To Build Your Belief In Yourself
Youโre Unique, Your Fear Isnโt.
I had a conversation with two friends this week. Both are incredibly lonely in their lives and feel totally lost about what path to take next. One wants to end his life, another keeps moving from city to city to run from their problems. Both mentioned how they feel alone and that their problems are unique.
When life sucks, itโs easy to think weโre alone with our problems. Iโve found this is literally never the case. Sure, maybe your situation is unique, but the pain and suffering you are enduring has been had by many before you.
Pain is the bonding agent for humans. Pain is why we laugh at comedians. Talking about how weโre going through a tough time is how we connect with people on a deeper level. Have you ever seen a movie where the main character was perfect and had his life together? If you have, that movie probably sucked.
Hereโs an exercise I do when I get get โspecial snowflake syndromeโ with the problems in my life. I got this idea from the โHeadspaceโ meditation app.
- Take three minutes to breathe and relax.
- I focus on my breath and begin to control it. One slow breath in. One slow breath out.
- I think about what other people in the world might be experiencing fear, anxiety, shame, guilt at the same time as me. (Note: with 7 billion people on this earth thereโs a 100% chance someone is experiencing the same emotion as you at any given time).
- I envision that person and I sitting together and silently acknowledging we are going through the same pain.
- After a few more breaths I open my eyes and I always feel better.
Itโs a simple exercise. It works.
Insanity.
A guy I used to work for just spent another $10k on equipment to try to save his business. His problem isnโt having more equipment, itโs another issue entirely. Last weekend I was in Vegas and saw people so far down in debt they stayed up all night just to try to win it back.
I get emails from my readers saying, โIโve spent the last month trying to meet women online and itโs not working.โ
Itโs easy to point the finger and say, โIโd never do something like that.โ But we all do that. Weโre all emotional human beings with hopes, fears, and dreams. When we want the pain of a failing business to go away, weโll blow money left and right to try to save it. When we want the feeling of a womanโs touch, weโll copy and paste the same message to every match we get online hoping that just one will respond.
When our emotions get dialed up, we turn into a dog chasing its own tail in search of nirvana. We start to get delusional thinking our one approach to the madness is going to solve it all. Itโs not our fault everyone else doesnโt understand us.
โIf I just keep trying this same thingโฆ eventually it will work.โ
Insanity doesnโt end in a pretty way. Thatโs why it helps to have friends. I know when I start to get really down or sad, I canโt rely on myself. Even when I want to hide in my introverted world, I ask for help. My friends say, โYouโre going to drive yourself insane.โ Then I wake up and stop.
Even if youโre in the absolute worst place in your life, youโre still allowed to choose what to do. I remember nights laying in bed loaded on drugs thinking about how much I wanted peace. Every day felt like chaos and a waste of time.
The only thing I made myself do was put one foot in front of the other each day. It didnโt have to be pretty, I didnโt need to change the world. I just needed to change myself.
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Originally appeared on: The Good Men Project
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