When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, or emotional manipulator, then every day will feel like a punishment. No matter what you do, you will feel trapped, and mentally drained. That is the power of a toxic person. But this does not have to your permanent situation, you can do a few things that will help you to avoid their emotional manipulation.
Changing an emotional manipulator is close to impossible, but that does not mean you will have to go through hell everyday. There are some effective tricks that will help you avoid their toxicity, emotional manipulation and help you move on from them for good.
Here Are 10 Tips That Will Help You Avoid Emotional Manipulation
1. A manipulator says something and later denies it.
Thatโs a form of crazymaking and itโs very convenient for the manipulator because you canโt actually prove it without hard evidence. One way to counter that form of manipulation is to carry around a notebook with you or simply take notes on your phone when you feel a certain quote should be remembered.
Thatโs very intimidating for the manipulator and a defensive reaction (most likely another emotional manipulation attempt) is sure to follow. If you donโt want to be too suspicious, you can always let the manipulator know that you just feel โโforgetfulโโ these days. Still, most emotional manipulators are pretty skillful and it wonโt be hard for them to turn that around and make you feel bad in the end.
You must never underestimate such peopleโs talent for lying and turning things around! If you find yourself feeling obligated to notate certain peopleโs words for your own sake, you should ask yourself why are they still a part of your life.
Related: Identifying Emotional Abuse before it Happens.
2. The illusion that a manipulator is always willing to help you.
Offering or agreeing to help you goes hand in hand with complaining about how bothersome the task is. Donโt expect a direct approach, though. A heavy sigh, eyes rolling, an annoyed facial expressionโ expect anything but saying what they really think. The moment you try to blame them they donโt look like they are willing to help you, crazymaking kicks in once again.
A manipulator will often try to play the victim. Your goal in such situations is to draw them out to admit how they really feel about the situation.
3. Instilling guilt and playing the victim.
Those are the manipulatorโs most loyal weapons and heโll use them whenever there is an opportunity. As we saw earlier, an emotional manipulator will rarely say openly what they really thinkโ their goals are accomplished entirely through emotional manipulation. Manipulators can take advantage of the victim role, too. By seeding the feeling of guilt, they could easily make you fight their battles and they wonโt even be grateful.
It is likely that a quick act of showing how they didnโt want you to do anything in the first place is to follow. The trick here is to be careful whoโs dirty work you are doing. Do they really deserve it?
4.Your criticism will most likely be turned against you.
Thereโs no point in being honest and pointing out stuff you donโt like about the manipulator. Thatโs their chance to turn it around! The question is how will it be this time. Donโt forgetโ every time another manipulation goes by, itโs sure to be used against you. One way the manipulator turns things around is blaming everything on a side factor and then making you feel bad for criticizing. Example: Your date is late and as soon as you point it out, she starts blaming her boss for holding her at work.
The next thing you know, she is already explaining how you arenโt making her day better by whining and so on. At this point, even if you know sheโs lying, thereโs nothing much you can say. Either that or you find yourself trying to make her feel better. Donโt do that! Donโt take an apology if youโre sure itโs full of crap. The key here is to judge the relevant person right and trust your gut.
Related: 11 Signs Itโs An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
5. The so-called โEmotional Manipulatorโs Auraโ.
In other words, the way the manipulatorโs emotions spread among everyone around them. If, for example, the manipulator is feeling down for some reason, the natural instinctual response of the people around him would be to try to make him feel better. By doing so the people will hope to balance the โemotional climateโ in the room.
Thatโs a way to make people do the dirty work for you. Tolerate this kind of behavior for too long and youโll totally forget about your needs!
6. Making your problems look small or insignificant.
Has it ever happened to you, to tell someone about a bad experience youโve had once, and them to start talking about themselves without even allowing you to finish your story? Thatโs another kind of emotional manipulation. The manipulator isnโt willing to hear what you have to say and the only thing they really care about is for them to be heard. Furthermore, a huge wave of narcissism is to follow!
In many cases the manipulator will just put the spotlight back on them again โ โYour car broke down? Ha, thatโs nothing โ wait until you hear about my office problemsโฆโ. Again common sense is useless in this situation โ as soon as you blame the manipulator heโll probably accuse YOU of always taking the spotlight. Donโt bother, just walk away, there is no place for arguing here.
7. Words are not actions! As simple as that!
Remember that the manipulator will often say what you want to hear but that doesnโt mean theyโll stick to it. Itโs a temporary satisfaction of the victim and nothing more! Again, itโs easy to spot such behavior but hard to argue the manipulator. The example at hand: A dad that verbally supports his daughterโs desire to sing but does not attend her shows and doesnโt show any interest in her development and talent later.
And the moment his daughter shows her disappointment, she gets something like: โYour show is not the center of the universe, honey! โ. You just have to find someone else to rely on and be supported by.
Related: Top 10 Warning Signs Youโre Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship
8. Manipulators will often make you feel like they trust you.
Itโs not such a complex process at all, especially if youโve just met the manipulator. All that needs is a deep, emotional conversation in which he shares a dramatic story or a big secret of his. Do I have to mention itโs probably bullshit and the opportunities that this opens for further manipulations are countless?
Youโll end up nurturing their big emotional pain and feeding their attention needs. Rememberโ emotional manipulators are about as vulnerable as a mad dog!
9. Getting a certain favor by asking for something bigger first.
Thatโs a basic lesson in the โManipulation Textbookโ and itโs widely used. Itโs as simple as thatโ if you want something, ask for something bigger first. Thatโs an average level of practicable psychology by once again using tools like guilt and selfishness. Need 20$ but your friend is kind of frugal? Ask him for 40$ first and after he refuses to ask for 20 โ โok, will you at least give me 20 then?โ.
The key here is to swallow your forced guilt and say a hearty NO!
10. Using aggression to manipulate people.
Another trend among manipulators is the use of aggression for their purposes. The good news is itโs pretty easy to spot. To understand how to cope with it, you have to know that manipulation is not identified by how the other person is behaving- it is identified by how you feel. The main goal of intimidation is controlling through fear.
For example, someone in the club is giving you a murderous look without any verbal or physical actions because youโre dancing with that pretty girl. Thereโs a way to handle similar situations called the โโframe control methodโโ. Long story short, itโs having the strongest, most unmoving view of the situation when in a group of 2 or more people.
Related: Are You Dating an Emotional Predator? โ Signs of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths
What this means is, when this guy is trying to intimidate you, you simply behave as he is upset and needs someone to reflect his emotions back to him. Thatโs your view of the situation or your โโframeโโ. The aggressorโs frame is that you are scared of him. It all comes to which frame is strongest at the end. In other words, you just remain neutral and calmly reflect back on what youโre seeing. This resistance is the key to frame control.
Written by Milen Raychev Originally appeared on IheartIntelligence.com
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