If you are wondering how to stop people-pleasing and still be nice – well there’s a question we never thought you’d ask. People-pleasing behavior is not necessarily a bad thing but sometimes it is important to put our own interests first. We can stop pleasing people and still be nice. People-pleasing goes beyond kindness. It is in fact, a behavior that requires you to edit or alter words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions.
People pleasing can actually affect you in so many ways. Some people go out of their way to please someone simply on the basis of what they assume the other person wants or needs. A person is willing to give up their time and energy just to get them to like themselves.
Sometimes it has been found to cause serious problems in a person’s life. It becomes troublesome when pleasing other people is overpowering our own needs and wants.
Recognizing the signs of a people pleaser
So first you need to recognize the signs of whether you are actually a people pleaser or not.
If you aren’t sure whether you are a people pleaser or just a kind person here are some signs to look out for.
1. Low Self Esteem
People pleasers usually have low self-esteem and their self-worth comes from the approval of others. They believe that people only care about them when they are useful. Hence they need constant appreciation from others to feel good about themselves.
2. You can’t say no
People pleasers usually can’t say no or turn down requests when people ask for help. This is because they don’t want to make them feel like they don’t care. They are more inclined to say yes even if they don’t want to help.
They agree to help them even when they don’t want to, such as helping someone move or walking their dog. Some people even take advantage of such circumstances because they know that you won’t say no. They ignore your boundaries because they know you that you will do it anyway.
3. You tend to apologize even when you are not wrong
Are you proactive in saying sorry even though you know that you are not wrong? Well, it may be a sign that you are, in fact, a people pleaser.
This behavior involves taking on blame proactively even when you have done nothing wrong.
4. You agree to everything
Agreeing to something you don’t comes naturally to you. You agree to events or situations that you don’t really want to just to make sure that the other person likes you
5. Struggling with authenticity
People pleasers often find it hard to understand how they really feel. When a person continues to give priority to others’ needs before their own, it makes it harder to acknowledge how they truly feel. Eventually, they are not really sure how to be their true self.
For instance, you might avoid telling your partner about what made you feel bad by convincing yourself that they didn’t mean to make you feel bad. If you are still figuring out how to stop pleasing and still be nice, consider being your authentic self and see where it takes you.
6. You rarely have free time
Since you are a people pleaser you rarely find time for yourself. You get so busy doing other people’s work that you hardly have time to spend on yourself. Do you have time for some hobbies or some relaxation? Try to think of the last time you actually spend on yourself whether it’s movies or reading a good book or cooking a good meal for yourself.
7. Conflicts upset you
People pleasers fear anger and upsetting other people. So if you are a people pleaser, making someone angry can ultimately mean that you’ve failed to please them. In order to avoid such circumstances, you might rush to apologize or do whatever you think will fix the situation.
So now that you know if you are a people pleaser or not here is how to stop pleasing people and still be nice.
5 Rules For People Pleasers
Rule No. 1: Show kindness when you actually want to
One of the best ways to stop people-pleasing is to show intentional kindness. It’s important to show kindness when you actually mean to. Before you agree to help anyone make sure there is no motive for seeking approval. Kindness is not a means to earn approval.
Keep a check on how it actually makes you feel. Kindness doesn’t have any ultimate motive of making things better for someone else.
Rule No. 2: Put yourself first
It is important to put yourself first and remember to put your needs first. If you don’t take care of yourself it can become impossible for you to help other people. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it is actually healthy. Keep in mind that this can involve offering your opinions in a work meeting or addressing the feelings and emotions that you really feel to the person concerned.
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Rule No. 3: Set boundaries for yourself
It’s important to set boundaries and decide what you can and can’t do. This is an important step to overcome this behavior. The next time someone asks for your help, consider asking the following questions to yourself:
- Do I really want to do this?
- Is there time in my schedule to participate in it?
- Is it making me feel happy or resentful?
So if you are wondering how to stop pleasing and still be nice then set boundaries for yourself and stick to it.
Rule No. 4: Keep a check on being manipulated
Some people are just too nice to notice that they are being manipulated. And some other people are just amazing at taking advantage of this. Statements like “oh you are such a lovely chef, why don’t you cook for your son’s birthday?” or “there’s no one who does it better than you” can be a sign where someone is taking advantage of you.
Pay attention to the people who actually care about you and the people who are around just to take advantage of you.
Rule No. 5: Talk to a professional
Sometimes we are not always capable of figuring things out by ourselves. A therapist can help you to understand what is actually triggering the symptoms. They will help you to devise a treatment plan if there are any underlying conditions associated with your people pleasing behavior. Even if the cause is unclear they can offer coping strategies to deal with the issues.
To conclude, we are unique individuals destined to do so many great things. Showing kindness is always nice but make sure that isn’t getting in the way of what you want to do. Decide to give yourself a priority and decline whatever you don’t wish to do politely.
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