There are few things in life more important to your overall happiness than the quality of your relationships. And among all the relationships you build and foster throughout your lifetime, few stand out as the one with your significant other. Here’s the psychology of failing relationship. Read on to know how psychological inflexibility affects the relationship with your significant other.
Your partner gets to experience you in ways only a few people ever do. They share your highest achievements, your deepest crises, and every mundane moment in between. They have seen you at your best, and they have seen you at your worst – with all your shortcomings and imperfections – and yet they still choose to love and embrace you as you are. The bond you share with your partner is unique, and it can be your biggest source of strength. That is, until the relationship grows sour.
In my decades as a psychologist, I’ve devoted many years studying human misery. And thousands of independent studies make it clear that suffering is often the result of something called psychological inflexibility. This may sound complex, but it basically means that your mind adjusts in maladaptive ways to life’s challenges. You take short term gains at the cost of long term pains.
When you are psychologically inflexible, you get stuck on fears, worries, and self-doubts – and then judge yourself for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place. Instead of living by your better intentions, you get sucked in by moods, thoughts, and momentary urges, making you act in ways detrimental to your health and well-being. More and more, you live life on automatic pilot, while life is passing you by.
Psychological inflexibility is a recipe for personal disaster, which is why it’s causing and facilitating many ailments of the mind – from anxiety, to depression, to even addiction. And unfortunately, the harm doesn’t stop there. In a new, large, and well-done “meta-analysis” (that’s a study that statistically summarizes many studies), psychologists Daks and Rogge from the University of Rochester tracked the effects of psychological inflexibility on romantic relationships. They asked –
If a person is psychologically inflexible, how does it affect the relationship with their significant other?
Well, as it turns out, the answer is bad.
People who are psychologically inflexible not only experience more distress and suffering, they also experience less satisfaction in their relationship. They are less satisfied with their sex life, and show less emotional supportiveness towards their partner. Naturally, their partner doesn’t get much satisfaction out of the relationship either.
People who are psychologically inflexible are more likely to act in destructive and abusive ways – from yelling, insulting, pushing, slapping, and abusing their partner. And ultimately, they are more likely to feel insecure in their relationship and struggle to build a close bond with their partner.
In short, psychological inflexibility not only invites suffering and mental anguish to a person’s own life – it also poisons their relationship with their significant other.