My Journey Of Healing
Going through a breakup with someone hurts anyone. It’s painful, messy, and makes you angry. The last 12 years of my life were hell as I was mentally and physically abused by my husband of 11 years. It’s been just over 2 years since I left him. But I have been lost and confused, and not even out of my 20s.
I met a man just a month after leaving my ex-husband and I fell in love with him hard. But I destroyed him by projecting all my feelings about my ex-husband onto him. In just 2 years time, we split up and got back together 10 TIMES! Talk about a relationship rollercoaster! But a lot of it was me. After he and I split the last time, I couldn’t stand the way my head was foggy, I didn’t understand why I would do this to someone I loved.
Within the last month, my passion for writing has only grown and I can’t let it go. I’m still analyzing and journaling constantly. But it’s making me realize and understand my own head and what I was doing to others; especially my recent ex.
I started this one day, just writing paragraphs or short stories in ways that express my emotion, without having to journal constantly. It lets me express my feelings in a creative way, that I can actually dig and understand better. All my emotions are brought to life. Enjoy!
12/21/19 — 5:40 pm
It’s getting dark. The walls are closing in and I’m starting to lose my breath. I scream inside my head so loud that I look around and see if anyone else can hear me. No one looks. Safe. But am I? The monsters inside my head are yelling, fighting, clawing to come out and make me crumble until there is nothing left for me to hold on to.
But I fight them off. I won. Silence.
But was it silence I wanted? Or was it the thought of someone there at night to quiet my monsters and hold me until I fall asleep so peacefully? Both sound nice.
Staring out the window that evening I saw the storm clouds rolling over the horizon. Not much blue to see anymore, just gray covering everything above. I sat there staring for what seemed like hours; waiting for the storm to pass inside my soul as mother nature waited for hers to pass outside. My heart was breaking, the pain like broken glass, shattered porcelain and sharp gravel trying to rip me to shreds.
Is all this misery worth what’s coming next? Is this heartache ever going to end? I sat alone for a while more, looking out the window, waiting.
I bury my head deep inside my pillow, my face almost drowning in tears and mascara. My thoughts race with confusion and my body shakes with anger. But this wasn’t anger. This was a realization that not everything always turns out as it appears. True colors show when we need them to, even if it may not be the time we want.
My body starts to calm and my thoughts simmer. I lift my head from my pillow and can’t seem to make clear what I see out the window, but it’s bright. I dry my eyes. I can see. It’s the sunlight. It’s shining in a way that I have never seen before, or maybe I just never opened the windows enough to see the true rays.
I clenched my fists. Tighter. Tighter. Until my palms started to bleed. I closed my eyes to try to clear the clutter in my ever-racing mind. It was hell inside my mind, most days–Like a tangled knot in your hair you can’t get out; a matted spiders web he just gives up on because it’s too much, or a fisherman trying to find his way with a broken compass when he’s lost at sea.
It was no use. I couldn’t understand why someone could just give up on something they loved. Not a single word, picture, smell or sign could make them bat an eye and have memories come flooding back. Lucky bastards.
I sat there watching the blood trickle off my hands onto my faded blue jeans. Observing the drops seep into the fabric, I felt my body temperature rise and my blood start to boil. I was letting fear of the unknown take over. No. Not this time.
It was no use. The silence in my head was no more, as manic thoughts raced and grew stronger. There was nowhere to hide. I couldn’t shut this off, I couldn’t lock it out. The voice tried to control my physical movements, but I couldn’t let that happen. I stayed still. Sitting all alone in the corner waiting. Waiting for the internal storm to pass and the voice to go to sleep once again. Was this a dream? I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel emotions. I don’t feel my fingers against the keyboard. I don’t feel the cigarette on my lips as I take a long drag, slowly…
I had lost. This round was too much to handle. Too much to bear alone. I lost everything I had in one quiet, insane, mental breakdown.
Why was it so easy to give in to things that we know are so wrong for us, yet so hard to do the thing we know is right? I sat there, my mind racing for the right words to come to mind—among all the words scattered around, so unorganized. I sat silently. My breath getting heavier and heavier—the room shrinking smaller and smaller around me. I close my eyes and feel dizzy. Standing on my right leg. The right side was my weaker side. I was frozen in thought. Too busy to tell my body to balance again before I lean too far.
I know I should just erase everything. Blow it all off. Make sure I have won the game of right from wrong. But I can’t. I am the moron that lets the wrong overtake all of me—the emotional thinker. The over emotional over-thinker. Why do I always let her win? She’s the one who wants to have the fun, the games, the sense of control. She has everything right where she wants it. But I don’t want that at all. I want everything to work out for the best. The thoughts that she makes are the screams I hear at night. The nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. The butterflies that flutter for the wrong damn reason. It’s her. She’s the one I have to learn to control to let go of everything toxic.
But what did I want to battle her for to truly let go of?
It was the first time I let all my emotions surface all at once. Everything I was feeling—here it comes. I closed my eyes, hung my head, and sat in silence. I could feel my temples start to pulse, my hands clench into fists, my jaw close tightly. So tight I start to taste iron on my tongue. I felt my eyes start to well up with tears and my mind goes blank. My body starts to shake. Tremble. Lose all impulse control as I relax my entire body. The voice in my head is getting louder as the sounds of the real world fade away.
No. No. No. Not again.
Sounds of broken glass shattering all around me, lobsters screaming in a pot of boiling water, styrofoam being rubbed together until it’s nothing but a pile of white beads, someone singing completely off-key until the end of the song.
I couldn’t stand it anymore. My blood started to boil, my eyes narrowed, I let my conscious mind sit back and my subconscious takes control…here it is. Here’s the moment I’ve been waiting for.
It’s like focusing on holding your breath underwater; concentrating so hard so as not to inhale any, you can’t feel anything else. Or stubbing your toe not knowingly when angry and not realizing until you look down and see the blood. After the burning stops, right before the healing begins on a sunburn. The way my mind raced and my thoughts collided, I did the only thing I knew how to do in a situation like this; sit down and let my fingers do the talking on the keyboard and let it flow.
It helps. It always helps. The loud thumping in my head slowed and quieted. Finally. Like a deep breath of fresh air, after it rains, the feel of a freshly made bed with clean sheets, and the room suddenly getting brighter with sunlight after a hard storm. The release and feel of absolutely nothing is an addiction. It’s never enough, I’m constantly craving it. The numbness is the addiction from my own head.
I sat there staring at the wall. My heart beating so quickly, I look down to see if my chest is moving on the outside. My ears are ringing from the sound of silence and tension. Looking around, it was quiet, still and calm. But the feelings of hate, sadness, and lost cause danced around the room madly.
I felt like I was being pulled by my limbs in all different directions. I wanted to break free, be honest, and say I couldn’t do this anymore. The faint smell of a candle burning from the other room was nice; like a relaxing mood scent. But the room was getting colder. It was dark outside. All I could focus on was the sound of the cars on the freeway nearby. I didn’t know what to say aloud, or if I should say anything at all. I knew I couldn’t do anything more at this point but sit silently and wait. So I did what I wanted to do for myself…
As I walked through the park, I tilted my head up; the sun hit my face in such a way that my whole body warmed. I inhaled deeply through my nose; Pine. Cedar. Wet grass. Food carts. I stopped walking and listened; Birds singing. The wind brushing through the trees. Low mumbles of people walking by. Dogs barking. I kept walking and looked closely at my surroundings; A couple having a picnic under a tree. A toddler wobbling while trying to run. Dogs catching frisbees in midair. Wildflowers blooming everywhere.
I heard nothing of her for what seemed like an eternity, while in my own blissful outdoor therapy session. It all seemed as if nothing in the world could shatter this peaceful time. Nothing could end what seems like a fairytale moment that I was actually witnessing for myself. I continued to soak in every particle I could of this serene landscape.
I feel it coming. I resist as hard as I can. The kicking and punching of the words fighting to slip up and roll off the tip of my tongue. My heart grows lighter with every beat–knowing what I want most; but heavier with each thought that comes–knowing I can’t have it. The longing to demolish this wall…this barrier…this thick sheet of steel and be released from my own overpowering mind games is unrealistic, it seems. The sounds around me go quiet as the sounds inside me grow louder. I scream inside my head. I scream again, louder.
Nothing can drown out her harmful thoughts. They desperately try to burrow deep inside my head; like a horrible trait being surgically implanted without consent. I’m not ready to demolish these walls yet. The only one who can do that is the one who silences everything without me having to try. No one can do that…not even myself.
The wind was whistling hard tonight, blowing my hair in every direction it could possibly go. The cold chill sent a shiver down my spine. Howling. Whistling. Screaming in one ear and out the other. I fought hard to keep my balance as I continued walking; stumbling, weaving in and out of people walking towards me who was fighting the same outward battle I was.
But inside my head, the same violent winds swirled around and wouldn’t calm. The emotional rollercoaster I was on had lost a bolt. I don’t know if it would ever stop at this point. I was used to this madness by now. It was all I knew; why was I fighting so hard to get off this ride, if I’m the one who keeps trapping myself?
Loved ones—hands outstretched to help guide me away. But I pull back to stay. I’m trapped. And it’s only my fault.
As I walked aisle by aisle through the grocery store, head down, staring at the words on my list—all the words were jumbled. Like a puzzle, I couldn’t solve. I shut my eyes tightly, rubbing them softly with my knuckles. Opened them again. My blurry vision became clear after a few seconds.
I looked down at my list again; apples, kiwi, chicken…the list looked right once more. I wasn’t shutting down my thoughts—but letting them wander. This was nice. No screams. No pace I couldn’t keep up with. I let everything go for that moment as I stood in the produce aisle and closed my eyes. I opened them again after a few seconds and I could see clearly. I could think about my next item, next step, next task. I let myself completely release all my energy– and for once; it was completely out of my control. It worked.
It was the creaks in the dark hallway. The shadows on the walls from the dimly lit room; only bright from the moon glow through the windows. The silence; so quiet it was ear piercing. Footsteps quickly catching up to you on a dark and silent street. The heart-stopping moment when you drop your wedding ring down the drain.
It was so still, calm and peaceful all around me. But inside my body, my heart was racing so fast I couldn’t count my pulse—I was losing my breath, my hands started to get clammy. One day at a time works only for so long—but what happens when time runs out, and you’re still stuck at sea?
I inhaled deeply through my nose as I slowly opened my eyes and looked around. Quiet. Still. Motionless. Everything around me was so calming and peaceful. Like nothing could ruin this blissful state of mind. All that was wrong in the world, in my world—it all came to a halt. Maybe because of where I was? Maybe because of who I was with? It all made sense right now. I am in my happy place, with my favorite person.
But when it’s time to part ways, what will this do to all the thoughts I’ve been so forcefully pushing down? I sat there, rubbing my fingertips on the outside of my lips. Soft, smooth, and calming. Like the atmosphere I was surrounded by, I close my eyes once more to take in, cherish, and live in this moment for as long as I possibly can. It was the best feeling I have had in a while. I can’t let anything mess this up. Tomorrow is another day, but I’ll worry about that when it comes.
You May Also Like:
- How My Journey Through Abuse Transformed My Life For The Better
- Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: Here’s How To Get Started
- Life After Abuse: 7 Hidden Truths To Help You Rebuild Yourself
- Trauma after Abuse
- How Society Teaches Men To Abuse Women – A Man’s Perspective