My Journey Of Healing
Going through a breakup with someone hurts anyone. It’s painful, messy, and makes you angry. The last 12 years of my life were hell as I was mentally and physically abused by my husband of 11 years. It’s been just over 2 years since I left him. But I have been lost and confused, and not even out of my 20s.
I met a man just a month after leaving my ex-husband and I fell in love with him hard. But I destroyed him by projecting all my feelings about my ex-husband onto him. In just 2 years time, we split up and got back together 10 TIMES! Talk about a relationship rollercoaster! But a lot of it was me. After he and I split the last time, I couldn’t stand the way my head was foggy, I didn’t understand why I would do this to someone I loved.
Within the last month, my passion for writing has only grown and I can’t let it go. I’m still analyzing and journaling constantly. But it’s making me realize and understand my own head and what I was doing to others; especially my recent ex.
I started this one day, just writing paragraphs or short stories in ways that express my emotion, without having to journal constantly. It lets me express my feelings in a creative way, that I can actually dig and understand better. All my emotions are brought to life. Enjoy!
12/21/19 — 5:40 pm
It’s getting dark. The walls are closing in and I’m starting to lose my breath. I scream inside my head so loud that I look around and see if anyone else can hear me. No one looks. Safe. But am I? The monsters inside my head are yelling, fighting, clawing to come out and make me crumble until there is nothing left for me to hold on to.
But I fight them off. I won. Silence.
But was it silence I wanted? Or was it the thought of someone there at night to quiet my monsters and hold me until I fall asleep so peacefully? Both sound nice.
Staring out the window that evening I saw the storm clouds rolling over the horizon. Not much blue to see anymore, just gray covering everything above. I sat there staring for what seemed like hours; waiting for the storm to pass inside my soul as mother nature waited for hers to pass outside. My heart was breaking, the pain like broken glass, shattered porcelain and sharp gravel trying to rip me to shreds.
Is all this misery worth what’s coming next? Is this heartache ever going to end? I sat alone for a while more, looking out the window, waiting.
I bury my head deep inside my pillow, my face almost drowning in tears and mascara. My thoughts race with confusion and my body shakes with anger. But this wasn’t anger. This was a realization that not everything always turns out as it appears. True colors show when we need them to, even if it may not be the time we want.
My body starts to calm and my thoughts simmer. I lift my head from my pillow and can’t seem to make clear what I see out the window, but it’s bright. I dry my eyes. I can see. It’s the sunlight. It’s shining in a way that I have never seen before, or maybe I just never opened the windows enough to see the true rays.
I clenched my fists. Tighter. Tighter. Until my palms started to bleed. I closed my eyes to try to clear the clutter in my ever-racing mind. It was hell inside my mind, most days–Like a tangled knot in your hair you can’t get out; a matted spiders web he just gives up on because it’s too much, or a fisherman trying to find his way with a broken compass when he’s lost at sea.
It was no use. I couldn’t understand why someone could just give up on something they loved. Not a single word, picture, smell or sign could make them bat an eye and have memories come flooding back. Lucky bastards.