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Why It’s Hard To Let Go Of An Unhealthy Relationship: 11 Reasons

Hard To Let Go Of Unhealthy Relationship

When you love someone for a long time, it can be hard to let go of them, despite knowing the fact that your relationship has turned unhealthy and toxic. But in order to protect yourself, your mental health, and peace of mind, sometimes you need to let go of an unhealthy relationship. However, before you do that, it’s important to understand all the reasons why you find it hard to leave a bad relationship.

Have you ever looked back at a previous relationship and wondered, “What was I thinking?” It may feel surprising to look back and realize how unhealthy a relationship was and wonder how you endured it for as long as you did. That’s why hindsight is 20/20.

Perhaps you haven’t been in an unhealthy relationship yourself, but you’ve wondered why a friend or family member stays in a relationship that is clearly making them unhappy. Similar to a smudged windshield, it can be tough to see what’s right in front of you until the gunk is wiped away.

Often, it’s not a lack of awareness that keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships; deep down inside there is a voice calling for their attention urging them to face the truth but it’s being buried due to underlying fears.

If you’re having difficulty letting go of an unhealthy relationship, consider whether any of the following reasons are playing a role.

Related: 5 Signs Of Unhealthy Attachment In Relationships

11 Reasons It’s Hard To Let Go Of An Unhealthy Relationship

1. You fear being alone and assume being with anyone is better than being alone.

For many, the fear of being alone, and low self-worth, are powerful motivators for remaining in relationships past their expiration date.

However, when you’re in a relationship with someone with whom you’re not compatible, you will often feel alone because you’re not being loved and cared for in a way that is aligned with your needs.

let go of an unhealthy relationship
leaving a bad relationship

2. The relationship is activating an attachment wound, so letting go feels like a significant threat to you and feels impossible (even though it isn’t).

Adults raised by an inconsistent caregiver or whose emotional needs were not met during a crucial stage of development are more likely to be drawn to a partner with similar qualities simply because it feels so familiar — as if they’ve known the person “forever.”

If you learned early on to associate love with high conflict, volatility, or inconsistency, there may be a part of you subconsciously holding onto hope that maybe this time, things will be different.

As a result, letting go of this type of relationship can feel like a threat to your attachment system because it’s forcing you to let go of this fantasy which can bring up a lot of resistance and anxiety.

People who have an anxious attachment style may be more susceptible to having a difficult time letting go of an unhealthy relationship.

3. You’ve already invested a significant amount of time and energy in this relationship and fear starting over.

The sunk-cost fallacy refers to the phenomenon in which someone is hesitant to quit something they’ve started because they’ve already spent a significant amount of time and energy on it, despite it being in their best interest to change course.

The sunk-cost fallacy may be playing a role in your difficulty letting go of an unhealthy relationship if you’ve already spent a significant amount of time and energy on it and a part of you is pushing to see it through due to the fear of starting all over again.

Related: The Reason Why We Can’t Let Go Of Someone Is Because Deep Inside We Still Hope

4. You are holding onto hope about your partner’s potential rather than the actual person in front of you.

Holding onto the hope that the person you’re dating will change is a recipe for disappointment but also clouds your ability to see the red flags in front of you.

When you’re holding onto hope that your partner will change, it’s similar to being really hungry and continuing to consume crumbs, hoping they will lead to an entire meal — resulting in you ultimately ending up hungry and dissatisfied.

When dating someone new, it can be helpful to take a “what you see is what you get” approach and perhaps be pleasantly surprised as you learn more about the person, but not the other way around.

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Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D

Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., is a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in helping women struggling with low self-esteem, anxiety, or dating/relationship challenges to feel confident about themselves and the future of their relationships. She empowers clients to tap into their inner wisdom and utilize their strengths to combat their inner critic, boost their mood, and enhance their relationships. Her goal is to help people learn to create the meaningful lives they desire. She is the author of Mindful Dating, a Psychology Today blog about the psychology of attraction and relationship patterns. More information about her therapy services can be found at http://www.drroxyzarrabi.com. You can also stay updated on her latest freebies, updates, and blog posts by joining her email list here.View Author posts