A thriving relationship doesn’t just happen—it’s built on key ingredients that make it strong and lasting.
Whether you’re looking for the ingredients of a healthy relationship or just some good relationship advice, understanding what truly makes a bond work is essential for creating a happy, healthy connection with your partner.
KEY POINTS
- Evidence points to the correlation between an enduring, happy relationship and a periodic chuckle.
- Neuroscience affirms that attention to gut instinct matters by enabling you to quickly assess a situation.
- Relationships can be deep or wide, and each offers you a different gift.
- Meeting the mother may give you a sneak peak for what’s in store.
A couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary was asked to share the secret to their enduring, happy marriage. The elderly husband replied, “It’s simple. Over the years, I made all the big decisions, and my wife made all the little decisions.” He paused and added with a twinkle in his eye, “So far, there haven’t been any big decisions.”
That’s the secret sauce: Humor.
That anecdote recently popped to mind when my adult children asked me: What’s your best relationship advice?
Humor has always been high on my list. Numerous studies reinforce this by confirming that couples who laugh together report greater relationship satisfaction and stronger bonds.
Even more, humor is a powerful mitigator of marital conflict. Laughing lightens the load and reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously.
The most important decision you will ever make is choosing your life partner. When you get it right, this is the cheerleader who supports you, gives you tough advice when necessary, and is present to pay witness to your life.
As I pondered how to answer their question, I looked at it through the lens of my life, which is enveloped in a loving partnership and within a community of intentionally chosen, kindred spirits who have served as a wellspring of immense joy.
Of course, at its core, any advice must include the time-tested, practical counsel of marriage manuals: Forgive quickly, lead with kindness, and generously compromise. But I think there is more.
Related: 30 Characteristics of Happy Couples
8 Essential Ingredients for a Thriving Relationship
1. Trust Your Gut
When you first meet someone, trust your instincts. Neuroscientists describe this “gut feeling” as your brain synthesizing past experiences and environmental clues to help you instantly assess a situation.
Trusting your gut can enable you to quickly intuit authenticity, kindness, and optimism as your instincts rapidly interpret someone’s body language and conversation.
One practice I’ve honed over the years for first meetings is to talk less and listen more. People will generally tell you in various ways early in a conversation who they are at their core.
Listening hard to what they say can quickly reveal another’s values, priorities, and interests. These early clues provide critical insights to help you determine if you want to pursue a deeper connection.
As the conversation advances, avoid resume-related content by asking more revealing questions: What do you daydream about? What do you read? What makes your heart beat faster?
2. Know Your Worth
At the heart of any good relationship is deep respect. Never condone abuse, disrespect, unkind criticism, or demeaning behavior from anyone, whether a friend, work colleague, or acquaintance–and certainly not from a prospective partner.
Set clear boundaries and address uncomfortable or inappropriate behavior, even when dressed up as humor. Clarify your expectations with a simple retort such as “Your comment was hurtful” or “That wasn’t kind.”
This resets the dynamic and reaffirms your value. If you are temporarily ghosted and receive repeated last-minute cancellations, this behavior tells you what you need to know: Move on. Life is too brief to endure toxic or disrespectful behavior.
Watch for early signs of negativity. Negative people are vampires who diminish your vibrancy. Instead, reach for those who radiate positivity, those who challenge you to grow and bring light and positivity into your life.
Stay laser-focused on finding someone who belongs in your tribe. They are out there waiting to be found.
3. Pay Attention to How Someone Treats Animals
My father taught me that how someone treats animals — or any vulnerable being — reveals character. Character isn’t displayed in moments of ease but in interactions with those who can offer little in return.
How people treat the vulnerable, the voiceless, or those they perceive as powerless reveals their values far more than pretty words or gestures aimed at impressing others. Consider whether someone is kind to the dogs and cats they encounter.
Note how someone interacts with service workers and those at the bottom of the organizational chart. Researchers have shown that expressing compassion for those without power is a strong indicator of empathy and integrity, indicating respect for humanity.
If you’re on a date with a charmer and they dress down the server, call it for what it is – a bright red flag.
4. Understand the Value of Deep and Wide Relationships
Know what you want from a relationship. Life connections come in two shapes:
Deep connections are rooted in shared experiences, mutual interests, and a profound understanding of each other. Deep relationships make you feel deeply known, enriching your life with empathy.
Wide connections expand your life with fresh perspectives, new experiences, and personal growth. They challenge your thinking, expand your horizons, and make life more adventurous.
Neither type is inherently better than the other—it all depends on what you’re looking for. Be intentional about your choice. If you seek wide connections, embrace the thrill of novelty and exploration without expecting deep familiarity or constant understanding.
If you seek deep connections, cherish the comfort of being deeply known while recognizing you won’t be pushed far from your comfort zone.
By being clear about your choice, you will have less relationship frustration and greater satisfaction.
Related: 10 Dumb Relationship Issues You Need To Quit Getting Worked Up About
5. Meet the Family
Research shows that the dynamics of an individual’s primary family and early parenting can influence how someone handles romantic relationships. Individuals from cohesive, low-conflict families tend to form healthier, supportive relationships later in life.
Meeting a partner’s mother and father–or other family members–can offer insight into how they might be as a partner and how they may handle bedrock relationship issues, such as love and conflict.
6. Learn and Celebrate Your Partner’s Love Language
Ensure you and your partner celebrate each other’s individuality by learning and honoring your respective love languages. These are typically recognized as acts of service, gifts, quality time, physical touch, or words of affirmation.
Be mindful that people often express love in the way they wish to receive it, which can miss the mark if you are looking to give your partner what they need rather than what you need.
By identifying and practicing what you each value, you can strengthen your connection and ensure gestures of kindness resonate deeply with each other.
7. Pay Attention to Who Takes Out the Trash
Early habits often solidify into lifelong patterns and become ingrained roles each plays in a relationship. My lighthearted advice for newlyweds is, “Be mindful of who takes out the trash the first night—it likely will be their job for the next 50 years!”
But this is about more than chores; it’s about how responsibilities are shared and whether roles are assumed or discussed. Early dynamics set a tone for respect, collaboration, and balance, all key for a thriving relationship.
Thus, it’s important to revisit and renegotiate patters on a regular basis.
8. Not All Relationships are Meant to Go the Distance
Not every relationship is meant to go the distance. Some come into our lives for a specific reason or a season. When the season ends, it’s important to look back with gratitude and to ask yourself: What can I learn from this?
Each relationship can teach us something and enable us to move forward with a deeper understanding of what we should do next.
Postscript
If you’re fortunate to have found an intimate partner who checks all your boxes, you have attained something rare and wonderful.
Now, allow me to shoehorn in one final bit of wisdom:
When choosing a life partner, find someone who makes your heart beat faster and makes your spirit feel alive.
Related: How To Build A Happy Marriage: 4 Golden Rules
Thoughtful compatibility is essential, but the magic lies in love and chemistry, forces that will be your anchor through a relationship’s inevitable turbulence.
That, and as the couple celebrating their 60th anniversary reminds us, remember to chuckle now and again!
Want to know more about the elements of a thriving relationship? Check this video out below!
References:
Hall, J. A., & Sereno, K. (2021). Humor in romantic relationships: How shared laughter contributes to relationship satisfaction. Journal of Research in Personality, 94, 104128.
Yip, J. A., & Martin, R. A. (2006). Sense of humor, stress, and interpersonal conflict: Moderating effects on conflict resolution. Psychological Reports, 98(2), 483–499
The SMU Journal. (n.d.). The Importance of Setting Boundaries. Retrieved from thesmujournals.ca
Xia, M., et al. (2018). Early family experience affects later romantic relationships. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, National Institutes of Health
Veale, J. (2023). I love the way you love me: Responding to partner’s love language preferences boosts satisfaction in romantic heterosexual couples
Kara, A. (2020). The kindness factor: Empathy and its role in how we treat animals and others. Journal of Social Psychology, 158(5), 527-539
Written By Gina Vild
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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