How to Overcome Reactive Anger and Frustration

The Secret to Overcoming Reactive Anger and Frustration
by Donald Altman, M.A., LPC
Copyright by Donald Altman

Dealing with emotions like anger, frustration, and disappointment can be a challenge. Road rage is one example, and statistics from the National Highway Traffic Safety (NHTSA) and other organizations show that aggressive driving is related to over 50 percent of traffic fatalities.

No one is immune to reacting to even small challenges and disappointments. For example, I had a recent birthday and got a delightful gift that an out-of-town friend sent to me. It was a fountain that was perfect for my office. I got batteries, filled the reservoir with water, and turned on the little switch hidden in the back. In anticipation, I waited for cascading water to dance over the river rocks.

How to Overcome Reactive Anger and Frustration

And waited. And waited some more. But not a sputter or gurgle came out. Nada.
After shaking, cajoling, adjusting the water levels, I had to admit the inevitable—this fountain was defective. At that moment, I felt real disappointment and frustration. The fountain didn’t cascade, but my mind cascaded with several annoying thoughts: “Where do I find this store in Portland?” “What if they don’t let me return the fountain?” “I’m very busy—I don’t have time to drive there and twiddle my thumbs in the customer return line.”

I noticed these negative thoughts in the moment, surprised by how quickly they bubbled up from my mind. What I did next was to consciously practice a way of thinking that almost instantly made me feel lighter and less frustrated.

Here, then, is the “secret” that this article refers to:

I mindfully reappraised.

This is where you shake your head and respond with, “Huh? You did what?”

To get more specific, what I did was to reappraise the situation with more realistic thoughts, such as: “I’m sure they have a return policy—and I have the receipt.” “I could enjoy a trip out of the office on a nice day like today.” “It’s disappointing, but nothing that can’t be remedied.”

Admittedly, this is easier to do when it’s an inanimate object like a fountain that is doing the disappointment. A fountain can’t reject you. It can’t criticize you unfairly. It can’t judge you in any way. Yet, regardless of the cause, we need reappraisal skills because of one fact:

There will always be some frustration in life. Criticism is unavoidable. Bad drivers are just around the next corner. Your refrigerator or washer is waiting to break.

how to overcome reactive anger

Related: Anger Management 101 And Beyond

Reappraisal To The Emotional Rescue

Before looking at the practice of reappraisal in more detail, it’s worth noting that a study on the power of reappraising showed that it acted as an effective buffer that reduced vengeance and aggressive behavior after a provocation. This study had subjects practice over a period of several weeks, but if you use the process below, you can start noticing the benefits immediately.

Reappraisal is actually a two-step process.

How To Overcome Reactive Anger And Frustration

Step 1: Pause and Observe

The first part of reappraisal is pausing and observing the emotional reactivity you’re experiencing. This means stepping back and taking a fresh look at what has just happened. Imagine you are on a hilltop looking down on the action, as an impartial observer or witness might. From this safe distance, look at what is happening with a sense of curiosity and interest.

Just noticing the thoughts and feelings with curiosity helps you to not identify or attach so strongly to them.

Related: Why You Are Frustrated And Angry All The Time: 5 Psychological Reasons

Step 2: Find a Fresh and Realistic Perspective

Fortunately, there is one important thing that you can do for yourself to overcome disappointment, which is not to take it personally. Then, mindfulness lets you re-appraise thoughts, letting you find more open, creative, and alternative paths forward. For example, you may even ask yourself: “What is the evidence for these reactive thoughts?” “In what ways may this actually turn out to be positive?”

In this way, you open the space for creating more thoughtful and balanced thoughts. This two-part practice can be soothing and help you gain new insights in a matter of moments.

In case you’re wondering what happened to my broken fountain: The store didn’t have the fountain in stock, so I got a much-needed appliance instead!

Related: How To Manage Your Anger And Never Let It Control You: 7 Tips

Keeping calm when your emotions are raging can be difficult but it’s easier than you think. When you’re learning how to overcome reactive anger and frustration, start with mindful reappraisal, observe your thoughts & feelings with curiosity and detach from your emotions. You will gain a new perspective and better control your reactions.

Written by: Donald Altman, M.A., LPC
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
Republished with permission
how to overcome reactive anger and frustration pin

— Share —

, ,
, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Unsocial Media: The Real Effects Of Screen Time

Unsocial Media The Real Effects Of More Screen Time

Is social media making us less social in real life? Discover the true effects of screen time on face-to-face connections and overall well-being.

Loss of real-life interaction hampers social development.

Key points

A significant amount of real-life social interaction seems essential for the development of emotional and personal skills.

Research suggests that today’s youth has about half the exposure to critical real-life social interaction that pre-internet generations did.

Trends in poor social development among young people suggest the need for urgent attention and specific strategies to enhanc

Up Next

When Grandparents’ Love Goes Sour: 8 Signs Of Toxic Grandparents And How To Survive Them

Signs Of Toxic Grandparents

Have you ever noticed certain behaviors that make you wonder if your grandparents’ love might be a little… off? Spotting the signs of toxic grandparents can be tough, especially when society paints them as the ultimate source of unconditional love and support.

But sometimes, grandparents might cross boundaries, show favoritism, or create a stressful environment that doesn’t quite feel right. If you’ve ever felt uneasy about their behavior, you’re not alone.

In this article, we’ll dive into the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of toxic grandparents and give you some strategies regarding how to deal with toxic grandparents, without causing family drama.

First, let us try to understand what are toxic grandparents.

Up Next

How a Person with Bipolar Disorder Thinks: 10 Things That Cross Their Mind

How a Person with Bipolar Disorder Thinks

Ever wondered how a person with bipolar disorder thinks? Living with bipolar disorder is often a constant ride of highs and lows, not just in mood but also in thoughts.

One moment, someone might feel invincible, brimming with ideas and energy; the next, they may feel crushed by sadness or anxiety, weighed down by self-doubt and exhaustion.

Understanding how a person with bipolar disorder thinks can help you understand better what they might be going through. Today, we’ll dive into what is bipolar disorder, followed by 10 thoughts that often cross the minds of those who live with it.

Let’s start with what is bipolar disorder.

Related:

Up Next

9 Unusual Signs of Low Intelligence That Will Surprise You

Indicators of Low Intelligence That Will Surprise You

When we talk about intelligence, most of us picture sharp-witted people solving puzzles or doing complex math. But the signs of low intelligence can be just as telling, and they show up in ways you might not expect.

A low IQ person often exhibit certain behaviors or attitudes that make them stand out. Whether it’s their inability to adapt or their rigid thinking, these subtle low IQ symptoms say a lot.

Today, we are going to do a deep dive into the 9 unusual signs of low intelligence that might surprise you—because intelligence isn’t just about getting straight A’s.

Related:

Up Next

How Sleep affects Your Mental Health

The quality and amount of sleep play a huge role in the mental health and mood of an individual.

Even just one night of inadequate sleep can heighten one’s stress level. Constant lack of sleep and chronic sleep deprivation can alter a person’s disposition and may even lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. In fact, a lot of research is now establishing links between insomnia and depression and how the two can interchangeably affect each other.

Sleep and mental health are broad and complex topics that still need further research to be able to fully grasp and comprehend well about them. All the same, the more we dig deeper w

Up Next

A Letter For Those Who Don’t Understand Chronic Illness

A Letter for those who don’t understand chronic illness.

Dear people who don’t understand autoimmune disease or Chronic Illness:

I know people that have an autoimmune disease and chronic illness. They seem fine on the outside, but that’s what they want you to see because they have a fear of being judged and misunderstood.

However, in reality, people that deal with these issues may be people who are dealing with diet restrictions. Perhaps they have to go to many doctors to deal with managing pain. They may not be able to do the things that we take for granted.

I personally believe if you have an autoimmune disease, or any other chronic ill

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or it’s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, we’re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults – those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

— Follow Us —