Brene Brown suggests 6 types of friends who don’t deserve to hear your shame stories.
“It is not so much our friends’ help, that helps us, as the confidence of their help.” – Epicurus
Epicurus was a philosopher who strongly believed that friendship is a strong driving force in a human’s life. What we fail to achieve personally, is provided by our friends and in turn, we should provide the with the same, building a dependable relationship.
But as time passed by, Epicurus’ teachings also passed away with him. In the current generation, finding a place of comfort in a friend has become as rare as it could be. Often we share our shame stories or not so happy stories with friends which we regret later on. While in sharing we seek a feeling of comfort and support, we instead end up feeling more uncomfortable.
We all have faced certain situations in which we regret sharing certain things with certain people.
Dr. Brene Brown, who has spent 16 years learning and researching empathy, human connection and trust sheds some light about dealing with shameful situations and sharing them with people.
Here are the 6 types of friends who DO NOT DESERVE to listen to your not-so-happy stories or Stories of Shame, that make you feel vulnerable according to Brené Brown as told in the Oprah Show
We have these types of people who often pull us down with their responses. It isn’t there mistake and it isn’t ours too. Maybe we weren’t careful enough to observe their offerings of emotional comfort for us.
But once we know what these types of people are doing to us, the mistake of going back to them hoping for an emotional comfort wouldn’t seems fairly pointless.
“You share with people who earn the right to hear your story.”
Maybe it’s right.! Whom we choose to share our stories play some role in shaping our stories further.
1)The friend who actually feels shame for you gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.
You have just told your friend the hardships you experienced. She gives you a shoulder to cry on. There’s an awkward pause. Next moment it’s your duty to comfort her and elevate her mood.
If you have been in this scenario then it’s highly recommended to stay away from this person. These are the type of people who will hear you out and talk to you about your feelings for the first few minutes. In no time, suddenly, the whole focus shifts to their problems and you are discussing their problems. This just proves how important your feelings are and how your friend treats it.
2) The friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you.
(“Well, that’s nothing. Listen what happened to me…”)
A little competition in any part of your life is an important factor to motivate you. Yet the constant urge to compete and be the winner in any situation can cost you friendship.
If the majority of your friend’s sentences starts with: “oh, but you don’t know what happened to me…” then you have a mistake to rectify.
Turning your head towards your mate for comfort in any situation, you expect them to boost your morale, instead, they try putting you down by telling you how they faced a much worse situation. You give them the bragging rights and you should immediately walk away from such friends.
3) The friend who is all about making it better and, out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually make terrible choices
(“You’re exaggerating. It wasn’t that bad.”)
Often there are times when you share a story with your friend and they try their best to cheer you up. Yet they end up doing something foolish, such as denying the fact that the events in the story actually happened and it’s an exaggerated version.