“All self-sabotage, lack of belief in ourselves, low self-esteem, judgments, criticism and demands for perfection are forms of self-abuse in which we destroy the very essence of our vitality” – Deborah Adele
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Today we’re talking about emotionally unavailable psychology as we unpack this topic of emotionally unavailable men.
I want to lay it out here as to what exactly is driving emotional unavailability and what is happening that explains the behaviors of emotionally unavailable men and women and how all of this plays out.
As we talk about emotionally unavailable men, the important thing to keep in mind is that emotional unavailability is predominantly centered around the idea of idealism or perfectionism in a relationship or in a partner, right? It’s about more of a fantasy—more of an ideal— rather than actually being grounded in what may or may not actually be happening in reality.
That’s the key difference between emotional unavailability and availability.
Also, I’m going to be talking about the dynamic between emotionally unavailable people and I’m going to be using the terms “emotionally unavailable man” and “emotionally unavailable woman.” These terms are not exclusive to men or women. These can happen in the reversed way, these can happen in same-sex situations, and so on and so forth.
But in order to keep things simple, because 9 times out of 10, the emotionally unavailable man behaves like the man that I’m going to describe in this situation. And an emotionally unavailable woman behaves like the woman in this situation. So without having to elaborate and put 100 asterisks on all of this stuff, let’s just kind of keep this understanding moving forward so that we can all be on the same page about all this.
Let’s talk about the emotionally unavailable man and then we’ll talk about the emotionally unavailable woman then we’ll talk about the dynamic and all of that. The emotionally unavailable man is overwhelmed by choice. He is dealing with the paradox of choice. There are a lot of reasons for this, that being smartphones, dating apps, the internet, our culture’s access to higher numbers of women due to all of the things that we just talked about.
The emotionally unavailable man wants to be with the perfect woman.
And any single guy probably has some idea about what the perfect woman might be like. But the emotionally unavailable man is unwilling to settle for anything less than the perfect woman.
Like with anything else, there is no such thing as a perfect woman. There are only us mortals out here who are far from perfect in many ways. So, he is unable to find the perfect woman.
Oftentimes, his idea of a perfect woman is usually based on the positive qualities of several different people that he knows or different women that he’s maybe met in his life, seen on TV or in movies and he’s kind of put them together into some kind of mental construct of a perfect woman.
He’s out there looking for this person. When you first find somebody, you don’t really have a whole lot to go off of. You don’t really know exactly if somebody is emotionally available, if they’re not emotionally available, all those characteristics.
The emotionally unavailable man starts dating somebody wondering if they’re the perfect woman, wondering if they are the perfect person.
And as he gets closer and closer and closer to them, some things start to happen. Number one, he sees your inherent imperfection because you are a human being because you are a flawed person because you have no way of living up to these elevated expectations.