“Willingness is a large part of conscious relationships. You’re willing to face your fears, you’re willing to face your pain, you’re willing to celebrate your joys, you’re willing to go into the unknown…you’re willing for the sake of the relationship.” – Stefanos Sifandos
So you’re over there hurting…deeply.
You miss your last relationship.
You miss the company.
You miss the expectation that you have plans.
And you especially miss having someone to talk to and say good night to.
But then there are those days (or moments) where you suddenly have this confidence that you’re so much better off without them.
That there were things that just didn’t work in your last relationship.
Like the fact that you were the one holding up the relationship just to keep it going.
Or how you held your breath a lot just to avoid rocking the boat, so to speak.
Or how a lot of your needs were NOT met despite being with them for so long.
In essence, there were some fundamental things that were off or missing in your last relationship.
Related: Why We Stay In The Wrong Relationships? 4 Reasons According To Experts
So today I’m asking you an honest question: Were you just in a relationship, or were you in a conscious relationship?
This is the million-dollar question.
You see, when we can align with what we deserve (which is a mutual, loving, conscious relationship) then it can make it a lot easier to let go of a one-sided relationship.
Today I’m introducing what it means to be in a conscious relationship, because I was right there with you, wanting one without even fully knowing conscious relationships exist in real life. And through this same inner work I teach is how I met my fiance and I’m inspired to share what I’ve learned along this journey in hopes this resonates for even just one person reading.
So What Exactly Is A “Conscious” Relationship?
For me, being in a conscious relationship means that both people in the relationship are doing the inner work to heal and are coming together through willingness and choosing each other every single day.
Well What’s The Difference Between A Conscious Relationship, And A Regular Relationship?
Before I really started doing inner work in 2016 to heal through my breakup (before I met my spiritual teacher), I wasn’t exactly conscious that I wasn’t having unconscious relationships. (That was a mouthful).
I have an anxious attachment style, and little did I know that I gravitated towards those with avoidant attachment styles. I thought I could “fix” their avoidance, or that I could change myself to seem more calm, cool, and collected (you know, what I assumed was “wife material” and not “needy” at all).
I tried to change myself, or change their perception of me. I wasn’t free to be me.
And being free to be ourselves (our authentic, true selves) is what invites conscious partners into our lives. When I was deeply confronted with this reality that I wasn’t allowing (keyword here) myself to be my full self in fear of (not being successful enough, smart enough, cool enough), that’s when everything changed for the better.
Related: Conscious Relationships (Instead of Meeting of the Egos)
How Can We Start Becoming More Conscious And Attracting Conscious Love?
It all starts with identifying where your fear is holding you back. Fear is a conscious relationship destroyer, and it’s sneaky as heck. Let me explain.
Let’s say you’re the person who did EVERYTHING for your ex (you jumped through hoops for them, said yes to something they asked for even when you were busy, did so much and they didn’t say thank you nearly as often as you’d liked) and yet they still ended things with you.
But when you take an honest (and I mean a SERIOUSLY honest) look at what the driving force for doing all those things was: What do you feel?
Most likely, it’s fear. Fear of them leaving you. Fear of getting in a fight. Fear of not being good enough that you have to constantly be proving yourself day in and day out. Fear can be a powerful force that keeps us in the wrong relationships for so long, and yet we hardly even know it’s driving us.
When you uncover the motivation behind every instance or decision you make, you will become conscious of your patterns, and your fear. And it’s from that powerful space within you that you can start letting go of the people, experiences, situations that don’t serve you.
And with time, patience, and a whole lot of self-love (because Rome wasn’t built in a day), you’ll slowly and brilliantly begin to get more and more and more conscious with each day. You’ll stop ignoring the red flags and start counting the green ones. You’ll begin to feel emotionally safe within yourself.
You’ll start watching how your new partners do things for you that your ex would always respond with excuses as to why not to do it. You’ll feel lighter, more joyful. More you.
That is what it means to become conscious. To be free to be yourself, and to find someone who loves you not for what you do or how much you say yes, but because you’re you. Period.
Related: The Power of Showing Our Real Feelings: Why Mindfulness Is Essential For Healthy Relationships
What’s One Or Two Things That Fundamentally Changed Once You Met Your Fiance?
I stopped being afraid of sharing what was on my mind, good or bad. I stopped trying to look or be a certain way and gave myself permission to have a partner who could accept me as I was, without the fear of them leaving. In this process of becoming conscious I learned how much I had been depriving myself AND the people I dated of the real me.
But when I met my fiance in 2018, it was right in the midst of my inner work, and I knew I had everything to gain by just being myself and allowing my Truth to speak for itself. If I had one single mission in my life as a conscious breakup coach, it’s to allow others to experience this freedom.
I hope this Q&A on conscious relationships has given you the feels it’s giving me right now. I can feel the energy as I type this. Just by reading this, you’re stepping into alignment with who you truly are; it’s an incredibly empowering place to be when you’re healing through your breakup.
Written By Nancy Ruth Deen Originally Appeared On Hello Breakup
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