Chasing the narcissist and trying to make them come back in your life with the hopes of them loving you back is only going to end up hurting you more.
Back in our parentsโ day, men chased women. Women had the goods, men wanted the goods, so they pursued. Thatโs just the way it was. Times are very different now, the need to pursue is simply, just, antiquated thinking. โThe goodsโ are a lot more easily acquired and with the simplicity of finding a mate online, you can pick and choose which relationships you want to put your energy into.
A male friend of mine, who is in his mid-30โs, had been chatting with a woman online and they were making plans to meet for the first time. He lived right downtown and she lived in the west end. When he proposed that they meet somewhere in the middle, she quickly replied that if coming to her end was going to be a problem, then they might as well not bother. He responded with, โOk,โ and never contacted her again.
He explained that heโs not interested in a princess, who expects to have everything done for her. He wants someone whoโs autonomous and pulls their own weight. As we move closer to equality, this is the new normal and definitely a more progressive way of thinking.
Chasing the Narcissist
Chasing, while in a relationship, is something that needs to become a thing of the past as well. In dysfunctional relationships you often see one partner blowing hot and cold and the other writhing in agony, begging for their return. There needs to be a mental shift, where if someone walks away from you, you not only show them the door, you close it, lock it and throw away the key.
You know you are part of a dysfunctional relationship when the ending of it completely destroys you.
Thatโs not to say ending a relationship shouldnโt hurt, that you shouldnโt feel a vast array of emotions, but it shouldnโt have you abandoning yourself, contemplating suicide, and acting out in ways that are harmful to your well-being.
Related: How A Narcissist Plays You And How Their Cycle Of Abuse Works
When you chase after someone that has tossed you aside, itโs not empowering and you, along with the other party are not treating you as a person of value. If someone doesnโt value you and behaves in that manner, you should simply not engage with them. Period. It makes absolutely no sense to stick around and try to change someoneโs mind about you. If they devalued you once, theyโll do it again. Those who know their worth, simply walk away from people that mistreat them.
The same holds true when you take someone back after theyโve hurt and abandoned you. Some people may not be physically chasing you, but if youโre just so damn grateful that theyโve come back, that you leave the door wide open, no questions asked, youโre in the same boat.
You canโt control whether or not someone leaves you the first time, but if you give them another opportunity, then youโre making a conscious choice and itโs on you.
If you have to convince someone youโre worth it, itโs already over.
When someone has shown you that they donโt care about your suffering, that has to be the line โ you canโt go back โ you cannot keep forgiving that kind of behavior. Once someone has broken your trust, itโs gone and it will never be the same.
Consider also, the effectiveness of the action of begging someone to return to you. If youโre involved with a Narcissist or a Psychopath, youโre appealing to someone whose ability to feel empathy is either non-existent or severely impaired. Youโre looking at them woefully with tears in your eyes, begging them to take away your pain, but they cannot compute what youโre trying to tell them, or what youโre going through.
Itโs either in their best interest to stay, or itโs not, nothing else is going to matter, not your feelings, not the morality of it โ nothing but their whim at that moment.
When an emotional manipulator does decide to leave a relationship, they usually already have someone else lined up.
They need people to feed off of and your supply, that theyโve grown a tolerance to, cannot compete with whatโs shiny, new, and untried. Donโt appeal to your history together, your children, the good times, their sense of decency, nostalgia or anything else that might work on someone with a fully functioning empathy chip. Nothing is more appealing than fresh meat and those new feelings of budding love.
You will lose every time. True, they might run off and realize that the supply you were dishing out was better and they may make a return visit. Itโs here that your door must remain closed to them. If theyโve done it once, theyโll do it again, with the full belief that you will always be there, willing to take them back if it doesnโt work out.
A Narcissist knows on a cognitive level that what theyโve done to you is shitty and that you should want nothing to do with them.
When you act like itโs no biggie, it gives them license to continue and tells them that you do not value yourself. That knowledge is incredibly damaging in the wrong hands. Narcissist or not, a person that does not love or respect themselves is just not appealing ever, on any level.
Related: 7 Back-Handed Provocations of The Narcissist
For an emotional manipulator, your pain is fuel for the monster inside of them that always needs to feed. Your anguish for their ego. Itโs not a fair trade and one you should never be willing to make.
When someone walks away from you, one time, let that be all the answer you need. Never beg, never chase โ just let them go.
Never put more emphasis or importance on a relationship than you do on yourself and your life. Donโt allow a relationship to destroy you. You and all of your parts are so much bigger and more important than a union with someone who is only interested in their own well-being.
If someone does not see your value, donโt try to show them, donโt jump through hoops, donโt try to buy their loyalty or their love with gifts. If itโs not given freely and consistently, it was never yours and it doesnโt exist.
Written by Savannah Grey Post originally appeared on Esteemology.com Printed with permission
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